Really unsure about my diagnosis

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I've always grown up not quite fitting in, my mum thought I was different but never got me a diagnosis because she didn't want me singled out. I did have friends and I could interact to some extent, although I got on a lot better with girls. I was very withdrawn and shy though, so while everyone else did painting and all that during playgroup, I preferred to sit in the reading corner all the time. Once a teacher persuaded me to join in though, I got along fine. I even painted a picture of me and my sister at the park which is still hung up at our house.

I was also very emotional and broody. I remember getting extremely anxious about antibiotics, vaccines, stuff in the news. I started to fear that I was going to die. I also talked to my mum about dying a lot, which is a bit heavy for a six year old! She had taken me to a speech therapist because I didn't respond very much. I can clearly remember being perfectly fine in my head, thinking how silly everyone else was. The speech therapist thought I was deaf since I was unresponsive and didn't answer any of her questions.

As a teenager, I grew a lot more anxious and depressed, and withdrew completely from school. I was terrified of people and literally every word that I said was analyzed to death. I couldn't even answer my name for the register without panicking. I was eventually taken to a paediatrician when I was 13, and at the time I didn't really care about labels, in fact I wanted one, so I 'acted' as aspergers-y as possible. He did some weird physical tests and whatever and said I had aspergers. Lots of other therapists disagreed though, and said that my social anxiety was just very severe, and that to talk to me I definitely did not seem to have it. I wanted answers so had an ADOS test done, but apparently I scored within normal ranges, except for eye contact. So they undiagnosed my aspergers.

But I can't help but feel I just don't fit in. I guess a part of it is that I'm gay and do have mental health issues but even so, I'm an extremely shy person. I'm afraid of people really, and it's always been that way. I was a well behaved baby, but I used to throw tantrums and run away from play groups and when I was taken shopping. I remember digging my heels in the ground at the M&S entrance

A therapist said I actually seemed the opposite of people with aspergers in some way, in that I was always wondering what other people were thinking, and that I had good insight into others and my own emotions. I do think of myself as a pretty empathic person, and I can read between the lines. When I was younger, my teacher said that I would be able to talk with her more on her level than other kids, and I used to get her jokes that went over the other kids' heads. But it is true that I was very shy and preferred to be alone.

I was also pretty obsessed with fish and dinosaurs, and I really wanted to be a marine biologist, but that faded over time. I can't help but wonder if my parents are just being overcritical, which they are wont to do, or if I actually am on the autistic spectrum? Obviously, online diagnoses aren't really great, but I'm sure you guys know more of what this is about than a lot of psychs since you have first hand experience.

Thanks.

You are going up to cancer patients and are asserting we know more than an oncologist.

So I really, really would not be going with the "I know you guys know more" bit because while we may be able to have some experiences, we likely do not have the training to not just project things we did with the stories you told. I can relate to the speech therapist one. Story time:

I didn't speak at all until I was about 5 and then I had pretty much clear sentences. I went to special schools because of this. A short bus always picked me up in front of the house. One day, the short bus had "a broken transmission" so they sent a big bus to pick me up. I *vividly* remember that and remembering telling my mother "wow, it is a big bus!" and remember the driver saying that part about the broken transmission. Fast forward 16 years and I am talking with my mom again and about that short bus. She was surprised I remembered and that I was very happy with the big bus.

"Yeah, I remember that the transmission was broken. I remember saying I was happy." My mother looked strange. "Joe, you didn't speak. You just jumped up and down excitedly, pointed, and chirped." Now, she was amazed that I remembered the transmission part but the fact that I remember speaking perfectly clear when I wasn't is basically what you did.

Some people on the spectrum might worry what other people think. I do at times because I don't want to show that I am too different or special. But it is usually only after some time and with actual thought. It doesn't come natural. But everyone is different.

You know what the difference between being 'weird' and actually having an Autistic Spectrum Disorder?
One is something we can call normal and the other is a band of weirdness that usually falls into a specific pattern.

In the end, does it matter? Does having a medical professional with years of experience going "yes, your type of weirdness falls into this neat little group" suddenly make everything better or worse? Let me go all Tyler Durden and state YOU ARE NOT YOUR ****ING DIAGNOSIS! If you feel that getting psychological help may help you with other things in life (my doctor went with "Pills and Skills" to help me lead a full life), then seeing a therapist is probably a good idea. Even if it turns out that you are not on the spectrum, you may potentially get something out of it.

Best of luck in whatever you decide.