Hi everyone. I posted here a while ago with the concern that my son (7) might have Asperger's and last week we received a diagnosis from a developmental pediatrician. She also checked 315.4: Dev coord dis/dyspraxi and 742.9: Enceph congenital, which I think must be a typo since it's right next to AD/HD hyperactive, though I don't really consider him ADHD. Anyway, I would really like some opinions from you guys who have been there...
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1. The constant talking. My son doesn't have any idea that I'm not enthralled with his repeated descriptions of... whatever, but it seems rude to cut him off. On the other hand, I really do want him to be able to function as well as is possible, and of course, to be happy--which I think means he needs to learn to stop talking so much. And then again, when he's at home I want him to be comfortable to be himself, and I am usually capable of zoning it out. Thoughts?
This is a sign of As. He may be stimming by talking, (similar to rocking or tapping or any other stim) but usually it is related to not picking up on the social cues that his audience is not interested, or even aggitated with his constant talking. My name "earthcalling" comes from my mother saying to me "EarthCalling Amanda... Come in please" as a final and absolute indication that she did not want to listen to my longwinded one sided monolog about some "bizzare" thing...
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2. I haven't told him. I think it would not be traumatizing to him or anything, but he does tend to latch on to things and I fear it would be his new excuse for not doing things that make him nervous. Schoolwork in particular, since we homeschool at present. On the other hand, I have told other adults who are in charge of him throughout the week for Sunday School or Cub Scouts for example, as well as immediate family and a friend of mine who I consider a great source of support. It does feel somehow wrong for all these people to know this fact about him that he does not know himself. But he's only 7. You can see how these thoughts circle in my brain all day every day.
There are a lot of threads in the parents section you should look over, about this, meltdowns, and homework. Really, I think he needs to know. He has a neurological condition that makes him this way, not a behavior problem. It is actually good behavior that "allows" him to overcome the AS, so the inverse is true, his good behavior allows the AS to be minimized enough for him to do homework. But this is really really hard work for him, and it will take a phsyical toll on him, he just has to work so much darn harder then everyone else! It is exhausting! You may have backslides, you wil probably have them without telling him. YOu can't just make him "behave". He needs the right mix of patience, leaniancy, and firm guidelines / direction / coaching and disapline. Again, many threads in the parenting section.
It may help to get busy homework thrown out the window. Focus on doing a bit of review or "talking" about his classes. This is something that is hard for many aspies, but it is a good to try and teach verbalization skills and advocacy skills now. also, don't make him work for more then 20 minutes at a time. Break homework up as much as possible into "small sittings". Except some nights, homework just might now happen. It is exhausting for an Aspie to go to school and be social "under the microscope" with peers and teachers, having "the mans" routine thrust upon them. Some nights, they just need to decompress, and this is not an "excuse". Follow your sons guidelines for what routines work and don't work. Be comfortable with not asking him to conform 100% or even 80% to the NT world. At this age, even if he conforms only 40% that is good enough, a start. Rewards effort, ignore problematic behavior.
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3. We have our first IEP meeting coming up next week and I would like to know what you guys consider your best and most necessary accommodations, resources, and adaptations at school. I think we will be trying just a few hours a day starting in the fall. He very much wants to go to school now, so it will be an easy start, but mostly our problems are with not wanting to do work unless it is to his liking. He is also very sensitive to being made to do things he already knows how to do (or THINKS he already knows how to do).
My son is the same way, we took him out for 4 years, and at 12 just put him back in. Give him time. It will take lots of time. You may need to understand that he is going to be selective in what he does first, it is not realistic to ask 100% engagement. Overtime, he will probably take on more and more. It may take a few years to get up to "full speed". That is ok. He won't miss much. That sounds strange, but it is true. as for accomidations, I would ask for flexible deadlines, the ability to change or modify assignments to reflect his interests . (for example, my son had to make a poem "about me" useing each of the letters in "about me" to start each point. I told the teacher I did not think he could do it, as he has a hard time talking about himself like that, and gets very negative. She told me fine, he can do anything, star trek, James Bond (his obsessions) or any thing, even an object. Also, you should look at some sort of social skills support. Have him placed with children that will be good role models, close proximity to teacher.
When my son was young, 2/3/4 years. He would ask 1000 questions a day. He was very enquisitive about his enironment. In KG that started to change. He was NOT interested in acedemics, like learning his numbers or letters, nothing the teacher wanted him to do.
By Grade 2, you could not find a more reluctant learner around! His face might as well have been the definition! We pulled him out when he failed grade 2. We homeschooled, mostly unschooling. One thing I found, was that I "thought" he was a reluctant learner, but that was only partly true. He was very interested in his own agenda, and would learn a lot about it. That is fine at this age, as long as the are "learning" it does not matter "what" they are learning, it is the process that is important. We also discovered, that it was not that he did not WANT to learn, much of the time he did not think he was capable. So in beating him up about it, we made the problem worse, not better. As self esteem fell, desire to learn fell too. For 4 years, we followed his agenda 80% of the time, ours 20%. Most of the time, we did no formal learning activity. The results?
When he left school, he was becoming a behavior case, angry, hostile, unteachable. He failed grade 2, so that says what 4 years of "school" did for him. He returned, 4 years later, to the same school, a pleasent likable boy, who was very enthusiastic about learning, especially things that "he" wanted to know. he was as much as 4 years behind in some areas, 2 years behind in more, but able to cope with an "accomidated" (meaning teaching methods different, not overall expectations) IEP in many subjects, and is getting the best marks of his life! my son most likely has LD's too, so that is why he is so far behind, but even there, he is making rapid advances, by HS, he should be about "caught up" across the board. Certainly, he is no worse for the 4 year "vacation". Infact, evidence suggests (along with gut felling) that school would have distroyed him had it kept up what it was. My husbands aunt said it is very unusual to have a bright 12 year old who struggles, and has as positive an outlook as my son, or is as willing to work as hard. She is a special ed co ordinator of a school board in my province.
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4. I need ideas for how to deal with violent meltdowns. He's getting pretty strong and I Hate holding him down, but I can't have him following me around the house shouting and hitting things, especially not with his 2 younger sibs watching and learning. Would ABA type therapy help with such things? He has no idea when he's getting worked up and I can see he feels out of control at that point, but he does need to learn what's acceptable so he doesn't end up going postal on someone someday, right?
Again, if you do a search on Meltdowns, or look through the parents threads, you will find a lot. I don't know about ABA, but I would give him a time out. I have not been beyond my son at a younger age actaully holding the door shut. Again, more people will have advice, but this is a very talked about subject if you do some looking around. You do need to find the greatest "source" of his meltdowns, and do some preventitive maintenance. It may be sensory related, routine, overstimulation, being distruped or unable to engage in an interest, or pulled ways from one. Some you can't prevent, but a lot you can.
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I have never felt so clueless before. It turns out everything I used to do that I thought was good parenting was the exact wrong thing for him. I also feel a lot of pressure to ACT right now since he's 7 and it seems that early intervention is key.
I think you will find, as the more that you understand him, the more that you will find he improves. Acting on my son got him to a point where he was suicidal and threatening to hurt other people. Loving him and accomidating him, while coaching and providing firm guidelines of expectations have let him blossom again.
21 Apr 2007, 7:45 am
