Not living away at university due to Aspergers - help?

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I'm 20 and I'm studying a music course at University (though its a course held at a college) and next year I will be going into my third year. At the moment I am facing a dilemma, which is whether I move down to where my campus is based or whether I continue to commute there (I get paid for taxis)

I've had a very isolated university life, certainly different to most people. I tried moving down in my first year with other students in the city but I moved back with my parents because I experienced lots of anxiety about self independent things like cooking, washing and shopping yourself, and sensory overload with loud people there night and day. I feel I can't live independently and rely on my parents to do things for me, admittedly. I feel I'll always create something bad to happen. I also have OCD and strict to routine, and I didn't like the uncertainty part of living like not knowing when people would come back, did they secure the house? etc.

Now I'm deciding whether or not I should try it again in my third year. As much as I like my comfort zone of home and buying nice things instead of paying rent, I am also stressed at home. When I go in the taxi back home, I feel dread and the experience going to the college is taken away from me. A large part of my university experience I've come to realise has just been sitting in traffic.
And my dad causes me anxiety and stress as he is a very cynical and angry person, my poor Mum does probably too much for us and get upset when my Dad's horrible to her, and my brother I don't talk to anymore. I don't really have many friends where I live and its quite a isolated town, whereas the university in a city, which is well known to be arty and creative which is what I'm interested in. I'm making the most of that its commutable and cost efficient living, but deep down I feel maybe its not the right choice to make.

I don't want to do the wrong thing again - I've brought my family a lot of stress because of this. But I want to have more a social life, and I want to live in a home where I feel comfortable and happy and at the moment I have neither. And I don't want to be a financial burden to my parents as last time the rent was very expensive and I had to keep borrowing money.

Is there anyway I can finally make a decision for myself or if anyone has a opinion on what I should do. I don't want to do something I regret but I feel I really need help on this matter as its making me stressed. Anyone else live at home but go to university?

Thanks

Hi,

It sounds as if you feel guilty - I'm no expert but I think that you needn't feel guilty, it's not your fault your old housemates were inconsiderate of your needs. I think that if you want to try living independently again, your parents should see that as a very positive thing and support you, even if you MIGHT need more help than more neurotypical people, in terms of time, effort and finances.

I'm not in the same situation as you, because I've always been quite happy being independent of my parents, but here's my take on what you've said, based on my own experiences.

I spent my first three years at uni feeling very isolated; I didn't make many friends and the ones I lived with made me the butt of a lot of jokes because of my odd behavior. That ended in a physical fight with my housemates. I had my final exam the day after.

Then I moved into another house for work, with three people I'd never met, and I had a great time! We were very different from each other, but we were accommodating and learned from each other. I then moved in with my girlfriend (now wife).

When I started that journey I couldn't look after myself and had to rely on phone calls with my mam. I didn't know how to cook, clean, or keep on top of my studies. The only way to get on top of this was experience - now I'm a very good cook and housekeeper, and I'm sure you could learn to be one too.

If you don't think you have any friends to move in with, you could try living in shared accommodation, or on your own. I've never lived alone myself, but I know lots of people who are quite happy living on their own.

Also, it sounds as if you don't live too far away from home. If you're ever in a pickle, could your parents visit in a jiffy? Could you visit your parents house over the weekend, or longer, quite easily? I think this will really help. Do you already know how to cook? Could you help around the house, in preparation for living on your own?

I hope this helps.

Thank you for the replies! Yes, I certainly want to have a independent life, and once I get help with my OCD and challenge negative beliefs about myself, I may feel better about moving away.

There was another thing I didn't mention, and it was about the fear of crime, I guess linked to my OCD. As I'm from a peaceful and quiet town, one thing which threw me last year was being scared of crime and it seems to be quite high on violence and robbery, two big fears I have. I consistently check the newspapers and crime stats of this city. Now I'm more comfortable walking around during the day, but I really want to try and socialise with others, and a lot of the activities I'm interested in are during the evening where incidents tend to happen. I'm going to have help for this, but I wonder if there's ways I can feel better about a fear of crime, so it dosen't get in my way of socialising or independence, I just want to be safe wherever I might move to.

I dont' know if you have access to that, but it would be just great that you had the help of a psychologist. I don't know how many of you have psychological treatment apart from the psychiatrist, but it really helps to manage these things.

I believe that you have to find some point in the middle against your fear to insecurity on the streets: You could adopt all the "normal" preventive measures, like never going out alone, or avoiding certain streets. Like what a very forewarned non-OCD person would do. But try not to be too extreme about it, from the beginning, or there might be no return from that. Checking on the newspaper like that doesn't seem too healthy to me. Think also that your life might take you to a city like that in the future, so this might be also something you have to learn.

(My ex has OCD, so I know a little about this).

I think you should try living at university again, because you are missing out on university life by living at home, and it seems like you want to have the experience, which is different from living at home or living on your own once you graduate.

Hi

It looks as if you are dealing with a huge amount of different things right now and I hope that by looking at them in a slightly different context you will be able to find a good path.

One thing that I spotted that some are problems with Aspergers and some are just growing up problems faced by AS and NT alike. It is important to separate these as they require different solutions.

Everyone knows the the problem of wanting freedom and independence while being able to buy nice things and having your washing done for you. Everyone also know that the longer you live with your parents the more they stress you out. Moving out is a real pain but there is no magic formula that will tell you when. Your parents have tried to protect and prepare you for this but the time comes when you just have to go for it.

Secondly, as a child, you stress your parents out, fact. It is in the job description. Being autistic does not make you special in this regard as NT children stress out there parents just as much although in slightly different ways. This is not your problem, it is theirs. They choose to have you so they have to deal with the stress of being a parent. For what it is worth most parents are really bad at it. I would be far more concerned if you did not cause them stress.

These issues mean that you are like every other 20 year old living at home. Same problems, same decisions to be made.

However, you are fortunate enough to be in a position where you can get much more support than most 20 year old's in this situation. I think you should consider renting a flat. It means accepting that it means you have less money but on the plus side you get spend the rest of your life to tell teenagers how lucky they are not to have bills. Just because you are renting it does not mean you have to move in full time initially though.

I assume it is a DSA that is paying for taxis and I dont see why that would have to stop. This would mean you could start spending 2 or 3 nights at your flat initially and build up as you feel more confident. You would have an opportunity to practice washing and cooking etc knowing full well that there is a great big safety net there if it all goes wrong. You would have a chance to slowly develop a social life although to be honest while I have found a small number of friends is good an actual social life can be really hard work and not always that enjoyable.

The anxiety of crime is one I do understand though. Pouring over crime stats is never going to be sensible but if you are do it in as much detail as possible then work out the numbers. How many burglaries are there? How many houses? You will find that the actual chances of being broken into is tiny. Of course your anxiety will not just disappear but focusing on the stats will give you something to reassure yourself with.You will probably find that street violence increases from midnight till about 4/5am. Find out trouble spots and avoid them.

Secondly, do research on preventing crime. Did you know that by walking quickly and purposefully as if you are late for a meeting while still being aware of your surroundings means that muggers will rarely target you. They want the dopey guy sauntering along without a care in the world. That way they can be in his face threatening him before he even knows what is happening. It makes the process far easier for them. The last thing a mugger wants is someone who sees them approach for 3 metres away as it removes the element of surprise. There is info online and taking the time to do the research will be time well spent.

Unfortunately no one can say when or how is best for you and be weary of anyone who says they can. One thing I can say is that I have made loads of really bad decisions and I am still here. I think you have to get out there and making some bad decisions for yourself.

Thank you so much Talls, everything you said resonated and related to me. Yes I have the Disabled Student Allowance paying for my taxis currently. As much as I appreciate the support things start getting confusing booking them and it's just a curfew really. I'm going to have CBT shortly for my OCD, and I have seen a therapist and he's given me a lot of help about social anxiety. So I think by continuing to work on my anxiety and OCD I may be ready for the next year.

I'm not going to live on my own, the student loan should cover most of it, and I'm going to see a house this week with 3 other students who study art which is a shared interest for me, which could make getting on easier!

This house's particular agreement dosen't start until the end of July, so in that time I should work on the housekeeping skills if I agree to it.
The last time I moved away, I guess I experienced quite a lot of self consciousness and sensory overload. For example if the people were playing loud music and I was trying to cook (I didn't any experience with anyway) it caused me to get very anxious because I felt I couldn't concentrate. Again, with the cooking, I felt that I would cause something terrible to happen like a fire or not know what to do if something goes wrong, or I'll get food poisoning. And what are the controls, as each cooker is different.
Then I got anxious about using the washing machine like what's the correct way to wash as each machine is different names for certain settings and how do you know what setting to put on. I just got anxious of them seeing me getting worked up about things probably second nature to them and must of assumed me to know these basic things, and I don't want that to happen again. Because last time I got so freaked out about it all. If I was left on my own I worried I would do something seriously wrong.
Is it worth telling potential housemates that I'm a bit of a anxious person? And I guess this is all OCD related and just practice?

I think it might help if you tell your flatmates? I'm no expert but experience tells me your mileage may vary - do you know them well?

Don't forget it won't be plain sailing - nothing ever is. Sometimes, to succeed, all you need to do is endure.

No I don't know them, the people I know on my course pretty much have accommodation already.

...I never got to do it ...........

You really are determined to stress yourself out over things that are actually totally normal. Stressing over them is also totally normal but in a wee while you will be looking back thinking that this was the easy part. That's just the way life goes.

You have far to high an opinion of 20 year old students. They are really bad at living on their own. I was particularly bad but in general they are horrible. Your OCD is going to give you a huge advantage over the average student. I am not sure but I am sure that there is a rule somewhere that every student flat must have at least one OCD guy that everyone gently laughs at but is secretly incredibly grateful for as they know that without them the entire flat would crumble into the ground. If you go in and make two A4 posters, how to use the washing machine and how to use the cooker, you will be elevated to a god like status.

It is a personal decision but if you are going to be living with them it is going to take them about 10 minutes to work out something is up. If you are open an honest with them they will be happy to help when you get stressed. It is probably likely to help you considerably. Let them know what they can do if you do start getting stressed even if it is just to leave you alone for a while. It is a very personal decision and you might want to wait a wee but just to make sure that there are no really muppets but in the long run you should let them know.

Sounds like you are on your way to more independent living, Limboman!

Laundry helps:
If in doubt, use anything labelled "normal", "regular", or "medium".
Have a housemate show you how to use the laundry, and write up a cheat sheet to post near the machines, so you can just follow the instructions.

I think the idea someone else had of beginning with 2-3 nights per week is a good one.
You might need duplicates of your personal hygiene items, clothing, etc... so you are not hauling things back and forth.

Also, take as little stuff as you need, and not extra stuff. It will be easier for you to manage, if you live a minimalist life.
You don't want a bunch of clutter.

Best wishes!

A couple of observations for you...

If / when you move back to university, try to take an easier courseload because you will have a lot of adjusting to do.

And second, this is not an either-or choice. There are quieter and safer housing situations where you might fit in best; there are also safer neighborhoods, even within a particular district of the city. If you would be living in university housing, asking for a building with graduate and professional students makes sense. They will most likely have fewer noisy parties and be less likely to leave the front door unlocked. You also might forget about living in a student building at all, and opt for a room in an older person's house. If you can arrange to get on a meal plan, that will at least keep you from malnutrition during the transition period. Maybe you can bring laundry home on weekends, or find a laundry that does "bachelor's bundles" (they correctly clean and fold everything for you).

Good luck!