Parents denying impact of Asperger's

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I was diagnosed last August, just before starting university. Since then I have recognised that some aspects of my behaviour are directly connected to my Asperger's (e.g. mood swings, panic attacks/ anxiety, meltdowns) and mentioned this to my parents as a possible explanation for them, so that they didn't think I was doing these things on purpose to be difficult.

My mother does not, however, acknowledge the connection. She always (always) accuses me of doing these things in an attempt to "manipulate" my father and her or says that I am using it as an excuse. She has also, on many occasions, accused me of behaving in a certain way because my diagnosis has "allowed" me to do so. As I'm sure you can imagine, this is incredibly frustrating. She usually then goes on to make fun of me and/ or manipulate me, for example winding me up until I have a meltdown then smirking when she can see I'm upset. My father usually acknowledges the problems I have due to my Asperger's and doesn't accuse me of being manipulative or anything like that.

How can I make her understand that Asperger's does actually have an impact in my life other than the afternoon when I was diagnosed?! It's awful, I just feel like she has this power to make me feel exactly how she wants me to, usually to feel bad about myself or things I do.

This isn't easy for parents because they don't personally experience what you're living in your mind. It's incredibly hard for NTs to know where our difficulties are. They often think that we have difficulties in some parts of everyday life where we're fine, and they think we're fine in some parts of everyday life that are difficult to us. They react like that because they think that it's absurd to experience difficulties in something that seems "easy" to the point where it's obvious to them. It's difficult for NTs to relate and it will always be.
The best that you can do is describe how you perceive the world with as many details as you can, and do it regularly because once is rarely enough. Persuade them to empathize with describing "your world". It doesn't always work but it's the only way they can potentially understand.

This is really sad My advice may not be helpful.....I don't think you can make her understand or change. If you can at all accept that your mother won't fulfill your needs as a daughter with regards to this - being understanding, caring, and sensitive to your issues, you may find more peace. OR: Maybe a family therapist, or your therapist or doctor? could talk with her....but some people, even family members, even mothers, can for whatever reason (e.g. denial, resentment, disgust, disappointment, insensitivity, depression, who knows?) still refuse to be sensitive, understanding, or helpful - they just want you to change, or maybe they even get something out of venting their negative/toxic energy.

Oh and I forgot another possibility : your mother might be in denial because it's painful for her to think about the fact that you have a disability. So she may react with denial and even aggressively about the topic until she faces the evidence once and for good.

I don't have any family, no I was not hatched from an egg. But I do have similar issues whenever dealing with others. I have come to the realization that most people will not understand us, even those that are suppose to. It is not something people can just simply understand and empathize with. Some really want to try to at least, but it is just not possible. All I can say is don't blame yourself over it. It's one of the sadest things that you have to eventually come to accept.

Is it possible that your mother has also had a hard time in life due to her own undiagnosed issues and unfilled needs ... and feels a little resentful that you are getting more understanding and slack than she ever had? Is she treating you the way her own parents treated her?

This may be hard for you, but I suggest confronting the behavior and asking if she could work on being more supportive. It's probably also good to ask her to read one of the books on Aspergers, to better understand. Sorry, I can't recommend one because I haven't read any (an Internet autodidact) but people seem to like Tony Attwood and Temple Grandin.

It's important to interact with her without any screaming, yelling, crying, and so on, and try to keep any stimming under control. Again, this might be a tall order, but it will improve your relationship. (You can always go in your room and punch a pillow later.)

It sounds like I am putting the whole burden on you to improve the situation, but remember that means I am offering you a way to improve it rather than remaining victimized. I could say "Oh she's awful, I feel sorry for you" but how would that improve anything?

Parents can and should be one's natural allies. It would be great if you could convert the relationship in that direction. Just remember that parenting an autistic child can be extremely trying, and your mother may be grieving all her efforts being in vain throughout your childhood, as well as expectations she hoped for in your adulthood. Please come here often and let us know how it's going.

And feel free to ignore my advice! Why not, everybody else does.

Denial denial denial. I'm suprised you haven't got this type of behavior before, I've gotten it over 100 times. It's something very common. It is probably that they can't understand and/or they deny them being disabled.

Since your diagnosis, have you been feeling freer to be yourself? I did, and I was also accused of using my aspergers as an excuse. I stopped trying to be like others as much.

I think if you are diagnosed in late adolescence or adulthood, that relatives often think your problems are just the personality traits that they have always disapproved of and now it's just a handy get out clause....It's hard to make it clear to them.

Think about it. If some of the things they find frustrating really are beyond our control, then they have been judging us for stuff we can't help.

Not something that is likely to make them feel good about themselves. So no surprise they are in denial.

I totally understand this experience. Whilst I don't think my parents have ever gone as far as purposely pushing me for their own apparent amusement, I do know what it feels like to have issues denied or simply shrugged off.

Case in point, just a few minutes ago, I had a bit of a sensory overload moment. Brother was shouting, my dad touched my back whilst it was happening (I hate being touched, especially suddenly and unexpectedly), and it sent my heart into overdrive and nearly made me have a panic attack. When I explained it to my dad he said "don't be silly" as if I was just making it up or something.

I'm no stranger to having my anxiety and depression issues overlooked and pinned down to "laziness", on multiple occasions my family has forced me outside of my comfort zone like a fish out of water without any remorse and every time I make observations on autistic mannerisms and how they manifest through me, my parents always try to deny any connection.

Honestly, my parents have gotten better over things as time has passed, but until something gives them a chance to see the world through my eyes, they'd probably never understand. I mean I guess that holds true for everyone's issues, autistic or not, but generally is worse for those of us who have a disorder of some sort.

What's generally worked for me is repeatedly discussing issues over time. Even if my parents deny things during the discussions, every time I bring an issue up they seem a little more understanding. So my advice would be to try that.

^ This.

Your parents' attitudes have to evolve. I'm speaking as the mother of an aspie daughter. I am much more tolerant of her needs and behaviors than I used to be, and she appreciates it. But this did not happen instantly after the diagnosis. We have a lovely relationship now, that benefits both of us. It's worth working towards, and it takes time.

I think everyone has offered great advice and I second everything that has already been said.

I was also thinking that many of us older people don't take the issues of younger people seriously (especially if we've gone through it ourselves, or think we have). We're like, "Yeah, yeah, it's a 'big deal'..." and roll our eyes without really listening. We're comparing our current lives to our past lives as young people and we think we had it easy when we were your age. It's not easy. And your mom's life wasn't the same as your life now.

I would just stand firm in what you're saying.

On an ironic note, most people with Asperger's aren't very manipulative.