Your wishes always getting shut out at family gatherings.

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When I was growing up, I remember that whenever there was an extended family gathering, with individuals contributing wishes to a collective activity or treat, my wishes always went unfulfilled. I'm talking about actual collective things, as opposed to, say, going to McDonald's together and each person placing their own order. In the latter case, I always got my wish with minimal problems. Consider the following examples.

Example 1: the museum trip
We go to my city's history museum as an extended family. My father wanted to see ancient Greek war machines. My mother wanted to see French architecture. My cousin (my age) wanted to see firearms from the American Revolution. My aunt wanted to see the local natural history exhibit. My uncle wanted to see the prehistoric cave drawings. My grandparents didn't really care; they just can't use stairs. I wanted to see ancient Egyptian art.
End result: we go to see everything but the ancient Egyptian art. When I try to protest, I'm told: "Be quiet! You can't have everything YOU want." Meanwhile, I'm thinking: "But others got everything THEY want."

Example 2: the pizza night
We decide to order pizza for the whole extended family. My father had no preference, as long as there's no anchovies. My mother liked sausage and bell peppers. My sister liked sausage and olives. My brother-in-law liked pepperoni or chicken (but not both together). My cousin, who came over, liked pepperoni. My grandmother had no preference, just nothing spicy. My grandfather liked extra cheese. I really liked mushrooms on my pizza.
End result: we order pizza with everything but mushrooms and chicken. When I complain, I'm told: "Be quiet! You can't have everything YOU want." Meanwhile, I'm thinking: "But others got everything THEY want."

Example 3: the family brunch
My older sister took the family to Sunday brunch at an Asian place. I was seated in the back corner, as far from the aisle as possible. My father got Mongolian beef. My mother got chicken fried rice. My sister also got chicken fried rice. My brother-in-law got shrimp wontons. I wanted braised cod with udon noodles, but I wasn't permitted to order it, even though it wasn't pricey. I had a weak voice, so the waiter couldn't hear me try to order it anyway.
End result: everyone but me gets to eat the dish they really wanted. When I complain, I'm told: "Be quiet! You can't have everything YOU want." Meanwhile, I'm thinking: "But others got everything THEY want."

Is all this common for aspies while growing up? And why would only my wishes get shut out? It can't be because I'm the youngest, since my cousin got to see his firearm exhibit. Was it because I was really unassertive as a kid? Then again, my grandfather wasn't vocal about his choice, and he got extra cheese. And the restaurant scene was just freaking bizarre; I wanted a healthy dish, for crying out loud! Was it because I wasn't meeting family expectations in some way? Was it a way of sticking it to me for "whining" (notice the quotes) and/or meltdowns in the past? Was it just a spontaneous (and a really bad) way of teaching me patience with not getting my wish?

Thoughts?

I notice that at family gatherings people will say things that hurt my feelings or make me have a meltdown, and then instead of them trying to make it up to me, I will be removed from the room as if it's my fault.

So unfair. Just because you have a label, you get forgotten, then when you speak up, you get accused of whining or being selfish, etc.

I had the same growing up. Whenever I spoke up for myself I just got the same old "stop moaning!" response, instead of actually listening to what I wanted. All I wanted was to be treated the same as other children, and not be left out, unless there was a really good reason.

They might be trying to teach you that yes, everyone isn't equal all the time.

For instance, is the gathering meant to celebrate or honor someone. The birthday girl gets to choose.
Similarly, it is common to let the guest that has traveled the farthest get first pick. But, that person may well defer to the rich uncle that paid for his plane ticket.

They are trying to do you a favor by preparing you for how things are out in the real world. You have to wait on hold to get service, while some rich guy has a special number and someone assigned to immediately answer his call.

Unless you ask them you will never know.
If you find that difficult, you can write it down and let them read it.

It could be that they are just not aware that they are doing this.

I might add that I learned this from my father's side of the family, which is huge. And very successful--my father became a manager and all his siblings did well in life. One uncle even put 20 years in the military and retired early. My father got into a management training program after being a Lieutenant overseas in Europe.

Last edited by BTDT on 20 Mar 2016, 12:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Meh! I knew it since I was old enough to remember the world around me, which was before age 3. (I even knew where I was "supposed to" be: at the bottom.) But my examples are different: everyone BUT ME got what they wanted. The gatherings weren't in honor of anyone; they were just family doing something together. And isn't family togetherness supposed to imply at least some form of equality?

I confided my situation to a therapist I was seeing at the time, only she didn't help at all. She "helped me name my feelings" by saying things like "you feel ignored by your family, which makes you sad and frustrated" (thank you, Captain Obvious!), but never taught me any assertiveness techniques! So instead, I just let it to give me major self-esteem issues, that I didn't fully cast off until the ripe old age of 29. (That year, I took a cruise solo, where I got to do absolutely everything I wanted, which pushed me in the right direction.)

Humans tend to ostracize and bully people they find unusual, especially when they're in a group. Perhaps your family finds you unusual because of your autism, or for another reason.

also, i'd guess you're not assertive enough. so when they shoot down your requests, they know there wont be any repercussions and they continue to do it. like the "give them an inch and they'll take a mile" saying.

I experience things like that quite often in all sorts of gatherings. I have come to realise that, for me, it happens because of my communication differences with others. When someone says what they want once and I hear it that's it I accept it. So if I'm asked a preference I give it - just once and automatically think it's all fixed. But in NT groups when they are deciding things people actually say what they want lots of times and negotiate with one another. I find that too complicated to follow and a bit daunting because I'm not sure how to do it so often my wishes get left out. Having an NT advocate helps me a lot in these situations!

I get the opposite problem sometimes

If I pick a movie or restaurant for a group of people it usually ends up being bad,
So then I have to listen to moaning and criticism for a poor choice

Thankfully, I don't go to family gatherings with my mom and my sister as much as I used to when I was a boy. The last time I went with them to a family gathering, I got told off by my mom for not interacting with everyone who was present. On another note, the last time one of my uncles visited, I hid in my room because he was being an a-hole and he smelled like he drank lots of alcohol on his way to my house.

I think you nailed it. Looking back, I think I remember my cousin voicing his choices (be it museum exhibits or pizza toppings) in a way that only Donald Trump could out-debate. In the end, he'd always get what he wanted, while I got the usual "you can't always get what you want", even though my family said I was a much nicer person (barring aspie rudenesses). Also, when I tried to voice my choices, like "braised cod!" or "mushrooms!" or "Egyptian art!", I was told to "wait!", only for my voice to get lost in the shuffle. Or worse, "you'll get X!", only for X to never happen. So, when my parents gave me permission to travel around my city by myself, I started revisiting all the museums alone. It was nice. And I still like mushrooms on pizza.

Memory is selective, so you might only be focusing on experiences you viewed as negative-- I do the same thing often. I'm sure there have actually been many more times you HAVE gotten what you wanted and had positive experiences.

Try scouring your memory for experiences on the other side of the coin.

I disagree. All it taught the OP was that his needs don't matter in life, an issue that has extended into his adulthood.

viewtopic.php?t=306157&start=150

In the above thread, he mentions his fear of Long-term relationships, feeling once he enters one, his needs won't matter.

He also mentions his grandmother actually told him his needs 'don't matter' in a relationship, and all that matters is if they are 'happy' together.

I hate to play psychologist, but it all seems clear to me now.

OP has developed the mindset he has now due to a variety of small experiences in his life that have all built-up over-time.

As a child, he felt his needs never mattered, as the needs of everyone except himself was met.

Once he reached young adulthood, he mentions he desperately dated a woman just for the sake of having an LTR, but she was an extreme homebody who controlled him and never wanted him to go out or do anything.

Later on, he went on a solo cruise and had the time of his life, because he felt the one thing he had almost never felt - freedom, and that his needs mattered.

Once he got back, his grandmother reinforced this even further by actually telling him his 'needs' and 'hobbies and interests' in an LTR don't matter. Granted, the OP probably misinterpreted the statement, but still.

Finally, he also mentions all of his best friends that he use to go out and have fun with all the time, have all entered LTR's and don't spend any time with him anymore. They instantly ended their partying days the second they all fell into LTR's, and the OP strongly believes it's the girlfriend's doings. So they're preventing his friends from spending time with him anymore.

So, even if his family had the right idea in mind, they did not help in the slightest and instead ignited the issue.

So I find it perfectly reasonable OP is quick to assume it's simply because his wants don't matter, and not that perhaps whoever is the one who pays/payed for the family get-together is the one who holds the most influence in descisions.

I'm not saying his attitude is justified, just that it's understandable.

This used to be my yearly birthday ritual:

Mom: what do you want for your birthday?
Me: No presents, just homemade macaroni & cheese (because it's my favorite thing in the world)
Mom: Perfect, I'll make a nice baked ham to go with it
Me: (thinks baked ham is disgusting, but if other people like it, okay)

Day of party:
Mom: Happy birthday! Sorry, I didn't have time to make the macaroni and cheese, but we have baked ham!
Me: Um... Thank you...? (Dies of starvation at own birthday party)

This happened about 5 years in a row, until I finally begged to just NOT have birthday parties anymore!

Outrider, we meet again. And you totally nailed it. I even had justifications why other family members' needs or wants were more important than mine. For example:
* My grandparents are elderly, so I likened it to getting senior discounts, which I deemed fair.
* My sister knew very well how to win over parents' hearts, and used it to her benefit.
* My cousin was socially smooth enough to start dating girls at age 12.
* My parents are the ultimate decision-makers.
* And so on, and so on.

Me? I was just there taking up space. Or so in my mind

So yeah, the deliberate (or possibly just negligent) denial of my needs being met didn't teach me squat about patience or social rules. The problem was compounded when my little niece was born, upstaging me even further. I had to surrender all treats I bought for myself, if she saw them and asked for them. So it only taught me to go my own way (a la MGTOW movement) if I ever want to get my needs met. Which I did: I went to museums by myself starting at age 13, and on a cruise by myself as an adult. And until my niece got old enough to learn boundaries, I ate all the treats within 20 minutes of buying them, oftentimes on a park bench or on a city bus, like a homeless person. (Me and her get along wonderfully now, but back then was a different story.)

My relative affinity for public transportation (compared to most Americans) persists to this day. I prefer to do fun things without driving my car. Especially for legal gray areas, that I'd rather not disclose in this thread. Because back in the day, buses and trains used to provide me with a sense of rebellion, an escape from the social hierarchy of my family.