Hypersensitive to signs of rejection

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I recognize that now my hypersensitivity to signs of rejection might be seen as resulting from perhaps a borderline or avoidant personality disorder, but they actually go back to how I was taught social skills in grade school. Oftentimes, when someone rejects another, they do not tell them directly, but drop hints in the hope that the other person picks them up. The other person is expected to pick these hints up and back off.

Of course, being clueless about such social cues as a kid, I would not pick these hints up and would keep bothering the person until they yelled at me to go away for good. At times, this could come across as harassment or stalking. Of course, this was a problem, so I was taught to look for subtle cues that a person may be rejecting me, such as not returning phone calls, emails, etc. I was taught to then back off.

Unfortunately, it so happens that in many cases, the person simply had their mind on other things, which was why they would not return my phone calls or emails. It wasn't that they were rejecting me, but they were simply focused elsewhere. Sometimes, I have difficulty telling which one it is.

Because of that, when someone does not return my phone calls or emails, my spirits lower a little, because I wonder if this is meant as a rejection, but I also get somewhat confused because I do not know if they simply had not had time to respond. It sucks.

Does anyone else deal with this?

Last edited by beneficii on 31 Jan 2016, 12:11 am, edited 2 times in total.

Yes, I have this problem to a certain extent. I'm also a somewhat more pessimistic than most people. I do second-guess myself often as to whether I'm correctly interpreting another's feelings or attitude towards me. So yes, I do tend to assume the worst if someone forgets to call me, or takes a long time emailing me back, or whatever.

I really don't know the answer for this problem. I've talked to other people about it before, and NTs don't necessarily know the difference either. It's when it becomes a habit that a person can know for sure. If someone never seems to want to return your calls, or always forgets to email you back, or if you are always the one that has to make plans, that's a sign that they don't want to have anything to do with you, for whatever reason.

I'd say only worry if something like this happens often with the same person.

Indeed, sometimes I am hypersensitive to signs of rejection.

At times, I might sense rejection when it actually doesn't exist. Thus, I give up a pursuit.

I should understand that, sometimes, people do not care enough about me, and don't think about me enough to actually reject me. What I experience is "indifference" more than "rejection."

It has nothing to do with me. It has to do with peoples' priorities pertaining to their own lives. I'm not harming them, nor hurting them. I'm just a face in the crowd.

Yes, that uncertainty about what to do when somebody doesn't get in touch can be very difficult to deal with. People are often confusingly polite, saying yes when they mean no. Personally I've always erred on the side of giving people their space, which avoids overt rejection and ensures they don't feel invaded, but allows a lot of unnecessary drifting apart. I guess a better way of dealing with it is to chase the person up just once more, in a limited way, and then back off if the response isn't welcoming. In other words, use the grey area between stalking them and ignoring them.

I don't think it's a simple question of "does that person care about me or not?" It might be more useful to think about what's happened between you and the other person, and to try to divine from that whether or not they're getting anything out of the association. Are you helping each other with some shared interest? People are generally gregarious and will talk to each other fairly readily, but people select friends based on common purpose. So I think it helps to consider what you've said to them and whether or not it would have been of any great interest or help to them. If you don't know what they're interested in, then you're probably not really pursuing friendship at all. I think that finding out from them their goals in life and what they're interested in is what the first exchanges should be about - it allows you to decide whether there's enough common ground to make the association worth maintaining, and people usually enjoy such genuine interest. I must confess it's rather hypocritical of me to advocate such a method, because I don't practise it much myself, presumably because my autistic brain doesn't have the right wiring, but if I were more in need of friends and made it my life's work to improve the situation, that's the kind of approach I'd try to use.

Yeah, I deal with this too unfortunately. I always err on the side of caution when I perceive the other person is pulling away, but doing so may cause the other to think I'm pulling away, who knows?

It is very hard to tell whether they are actually disinterested and rejecting, or something that has nothing to do with you. (I personally can't deal with the erratic nature of phone contact and this very uncertainty if too much time elapses....I just as soon throw the phone in the wastebasket!) I tend to assume rejection at the slightest sign, as 'chasing' is no fun, because you still end up having to wait and see if they are rejecting you or not

I don't know if I would qualify just because I other issues relating to rejection.

But it has always been my biggest fear in almost everything. My need to please and try to answer everything requested of me is always at war with this.

I did not realize until today, I have only asked 4 women out in my life. Even in HS, they always made the move. If you are so afraid of rejection that you will not risk a kiss, from a person who asked YOU out, then yes, you may be afraid of rejection.

I know I for one do not take rejection well.

I'm more often the person doing the rejecting than the other way around. I have been varying degrees of depressed most of my life though, so I can simply be feeling really down and ignore people. Lately I've not been leaving home so anyone who asks me to do something outside my apartment is likely going to get a 'no' for an answer.
So I'm rejecting but for that time only and for reasons that aren't about the other person. Granted, I'm still probably going to be feeling crappy the next day and the next, so chances of getting accepted are low still. I also am not very forthcoming about my own mental illness, so if someone is an aquaintance of mine and not a very close friend, they likely won't know what's going on with me.

I think I'm hypersensitive to criticism, which is not necessarily quite the same thing though.

Damn, you're lucky, Zkydz!

I've only had one girl ask me out in my life--and that was when I was a junior in high school.

You must have done pretty good in high school!

Me? Forget about it! I was the Village Idiot.

Ok...no.....

I think the only thing that helped was I was decent looking, the outrageous rebel who got away with murder and a bullseye that said 'easy pickings' for the predatory type.

Got Mrs. Robinsoned a few times, but it was even that was predatory. Bosses while I was in HS, teachers, students, random strangers....even got propositioned to make a 'blue movie' as it was known then. Said I 'could even wear a mask so nobody would know who I was'.
Ugggghhhhhh...

Let's put it this way, I'm 55 and I'm just now settling into a marriage that may be one that lasts. And she was the one that chased me.

Remember the "Summer of 1942?" That was my woman!

I looked quite young in high school.

I had an affair with a woman twice my age when I was 19, though. We didn't really "go out." She was a lesbian when she was sober--yet, when she was drunk, she wanted it to "rain men."

There ya go. And, I always looked older. Much older. I wonder if some of those people knew they were breaking the law or not LOL

But, that's it right there. You know what I mean and how it happens. But, it just happened more frequently. I always had a blind spot for danger and too trusting/literal. So, I think that hangs a big sign on you saying 'prey'.

I'm on the same page as you, I like to get things done and feel organised, I don't like waiting on texts or phone calls either as it often feels the person isn't interested or I'm just not very patient and quite pessimistic. It's been tough on my relationships, anyways no one likes to be put on hold or rejected but that especially affects me, mainly because with my Aspergers, I like have a set routine at times, a to do list or goals I've planned, when it doesn't go to plan, it can be difficult and frustrating. More than often, my life is not the exact life I want to be living, because of my household, plus the social anxiety and aspergers makes achieving my goals set out in 'Hard Mode'. Also especially if I need something from other people in person, it feels uncomfortable to wait for things and hear people say no and I will go on about something bothering me until someone yells because I just want to be listened to and get exactly what I want.

I signed up for advise to kick off a modelling career, not really sure I have what it takes and still waiting for the company's call as well to advise me, I'm terrible on the phone so the anxiety is sucky and I feel like they may have overlooked my application. it's just that wait or being overlooked and forgotten about, delayed responses can be stressful and trying to understand whether somebody is busy or not, I get you.

^^^^I'm on the same boat. Although not a model (good luck with that by the way) I do freelance work. The thing I hate more than anything else is the waiting and wondering if the contact I make is too soon, not soon enough or too frequent.

Yup, I really wanted to be a model, even freelance work like yourself, say writing or an online job. Thank you I haven't got a call back, maybe on the weekend they will but I'm kinda used to it, not really recognised for much or able to build a career, I'm very invisible and transparent and it's very competitive out there, although I would like to do lots of things.

I never knew anything but rejection as a child (from my older brother, then classmates) - so I grew up expecting it. Then again, I purposely distanced myself anyway, preferring to be alone, so I didn't mind it as a small child.

Only when I was old enough to understand that there was such a thing as 'cool' vs. 'not cool' (age 11 or so?), did it bother me that I fell into the 'undesirable' group. So then I tried harder to fit in, but with no success, which felt pretty miserable.

As an adult I've reclaimed the attitude I had as a small child - I prefer solitude anyway, and I just don't care if other people think I'm 'cool' or worthy of being their friend, because I'm happy just being off in my own corner.