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Hey there. Life-long social misfit who is finally identifying as Aspergers + ADHD per my therapist. I had always known I was "different" but never understood "why."

I was born in to a poor rural family, where I lived a childhood of general self-isolation. I played with Legos like nobody's business for years, hung out with our farm animals, figured out how to fix any object I've ever needed to fix (cars, homes...), I used to generally retain entire 500+ page books to the point I knew what was happening at any place in the book within a page or 2, and feel like I have always multithreaded my thoughts. I think you get the general idea at this point.

My social awkwardness, and ignorance on how to make it through college, led me to the military where I assumed all of my odd behaviors would be "fixed" and I would just "grow-up." I had difficult times in the Infantry with personalities that were unaccepting of my quirks. I married the first woman that would give me attention that I liked, and had a child with her.

That said, in combat, I did exceptionally well (I believe). I was meticulous in regards to maintenance of essential equipment, and effective in situations once they went sideways (nicknamed "Tackleberry"). During my time in combat, I lost my left leg below the knee as a result of a firefight (shot with RPG). While in the hospital, I was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder, then with PTSD. The strange thing is, I am not bothered by what happened in combat, as I can rationalize most of the experiences.

Upon my return home, my marriage fell apart. We were not married for long before I deployed, and came home to a higher-stress life with a partner I barely knew. During this time, I focused all my energy on not being forced to retire due to my injuries. I was successfully the first person to ever to be able to re-enlist to serve in the Infantry as an amputee. Despite all my work, and success at that, my "PTSD-behavior" forced me in to an early retirement.

I gave up on everything in this world except my daughter at that time, when I coincidentally met my (for now) wife. I never felt a strong physical attraction to her (she's classically beautiful) nor did I like her brash personality, but for some reason, I was drawn to her, she was drawn to my dedication as a dad. Both of our unstable lives led us to move in together quickly, and we began integrating our families.

I settled in to a life of drunkenness for a long time before we met, and generally lived unhealthily in that regard for years. I took a break from drinking for a while to train and compete as a para-athlete. I then resumed drinking and started college. I attended a year at a community college, which I found incredibly difficult to fit in at. After that year, we moved to Chicago to be close to her family as a mutual decision.

I went to work with her stepdad until I could no longer handle him. I split ways from him, started my own business, and went back to school. I started at a community college again, but with focus on succeeding. I did 6 months there to get back up to speed, then began attending a private college to study computer science for undergrad with the intent to get my MS as well. During my time there, the chair of the department noticed my thought process and became a mentor to me. I graduated Magna Cum Laude, then earned my Masters in Information Security (4.0) while working a full time job in tech, more than an hour from home, all while being admittedly checked-out from my life and family.

During my time at this job, I have learned more about how to "fit in" while still being authentically me than I could have ever hoped for. That does not mean I have behaved within all accepted social norms during this time... 2 years ago, I became engaged in a non-physical inappropriate relationship with a woman who in hindsight was probably a Queen Borderline. She was seductive from day one, and knew how to reel me in with her charm and words. I'm not excusing my part in this. Anyway, long story short, I did my best to cover it up while she had my attention. My wife took notice, when I told her around that time (while drinking heavily) that I wanted a divorce because I was miserable. That got her to prodding at me, which led to my persistent denial of the situation until around 6 months later when I made a conscious decision to become checked-in and be the best dad and husband I could.

The bitterness that stuck with her from the emotional betrayal she felt, combined with input from friends and or her personal therapist has convinced her I am a narcissist, in the worst sense possible. She believe I gaslight her, and takes my matter of fact statements about accomplishments as grandiosity of a narcissist. She says that me being proud to teach at my alma mater in the grad program, combined with a highly-respectable, difficult job, my pride in regards to my military service and awards I received (Bronze Star & Purple Heart)... Are all symptoms of my narcissistic grandiosity. Mix this with the outspoken pride I have in my ability to see logical solutions that others don't, and voila! I now have someone I love more than I ever remember, or foresee loving (besides my children), threatening to systematically destroy my life, and impact the lives of the collective family negatively. I understand that she is frustrated, but do not understand how her running away, and quite possibly pushing me to my breaking point will benefit anyone. If I am unable to work, it will take all my power to get by and focus on the child I have custody of from my first marriage (who also is very likely on the spectrum like myself). I don't know how she can expect me to commute 65 miles across Chicagoland to work my contract job so that I can pay her the support amount she would get based on my current contract salary, handle my life, and be a good father to our joint female toddler who also exhibits signs of Aspergers. I feel like she desires to maintain whatever lifestyle she desires at my personal expense, with no regard for the logical outcome. Her leaving under these circumstances will probably drive me in to further isolation, which will be unhealthy for our co-parenting or other relationship.

The anxiety of this situation over the last year has caused me to lose close to 70 lbs, which in-turn has driven her to making comments about my current image, causing uncertainty of my own self-image. At this point, my logical side says I need to seek intensive help at any expense to my personal life or financial future, but is that just me being self-defeatist? I honestly feel like I have been able to hold it all together the best I can because I have had her by my side as a caregiver.

I understand that her historic role has been physically and emotionally draining for her. That said, I'm not sure if loving with me has brought her to such a rageful and roller coaster state of mind, or if she comes across as borderline. She says her therapist told her she has PTSD as a result of her relationship with me which has certainly been tumultuous.

As a result of the reality I have grown into with her, I no longer have any relationship with my parents or siblings, due to my choice to work on things with her first, always. I'm not sure if my parents and brother are ignorant, misunderstanding, or willfully spiteful as displayed through their passive-aggressive behaviors. I tried to call my father yesterday to understand if there is a history of borderline or narcissism within my family. My wife had me convinced I was a narcissist, due to my reading about the caregiver narcissist and their propensity to engage in relationships with borderlines.... As you can assume, this took my father by surprise (it seemed) and led to me feeling dismissed and devalued, which is precisely why we haven't spoke in over a year. After that call, I remembered my therapist mentioning that I am definitely an Aspie, and decided to read up, after I had accepted that narcissism seemed probable, despite no inner desire to manipulate others, or feeling better than others (I am a high-income earner, but all my genuine relationships are with people typical of those I grew up around; blue-collar, family-oriented folks without college education). I genuinely care about these people, though I usually only interact with any 1 or 2 people outside my home, excluding work. In some ways, I feel like I have to rotate through them because I talk obsessively when we are together about things I'm learning, music, or the current obsession. I'm not sure if they listen because they enjoy my company, or because they are interested.

In many ways, I believe I will never have a "normal" relationship with anyone, and that makes me cry. I understand that I have to tone my personality back to fit in, but I find it difficult. In embracing what I see as the best me, I have compromised parts of me. That doesn't mean I really regret the changes. I now dress flamboyantly (Bugatchi shirts are my thing), work to maintain eye contact (when not stoned), attempt to assign the right emotions to people's facial expressions (I'm sensitive to body language), and have become more socially-assertive since I've realized that coworkers look up to me for a variety of reasons including professional competence and my military service. Me becoming aware of people wanting to hear what I have to say has been extremely liberating and helped me accept the way I am without knowing there was a diagnosable reason for my behavior and feelings.

The long and the short of this all is, what is realistically my best choice in life? I've given up hope my wife will ever want me again, and accepted it as a likely end. Is it possible as a very-high functioning Aspie, to keep my life together when she leaves, or should I just give up on the facade and seek inpatient treatment? I'm not suicidal, or homicidal. I feel like, for once, all I have are wrong answers due to my emotional involvement. I'm even inviting my wife to come to my therapy session to share all the things she believes are wrong with me, from her perspective, based on her experiences with me. I understand this will be a very one-sided therapy session, and am prepared to hear her air any and all dirty laundry she feels she has on me (I've been no saint). I believe my therapist will still see Aspergers, but my wife will leave feeling further vindicated if my therapist doesn't get her to believe otherwise. At the end of the day, I'm comfortable being the best "me," but cannot handle someone I love believing that I would ever willfully do damage to others to feed my ego.

I appreciate any guidance that may be given.

[quote="BrianB"]Hey there. Life-long social misfit who is finally identifying as Aspergers + ADHD per my therapist.
During my time at this job, I have learned more about how to "fit in

The bitterness that stuck with her from the emotional betrayal she felt, combined with input from friends and or her personal therapist has convinced her I am a narcissist,
The anxiety of this situation over the last year has caused me to lose close to 70 lbs

As a result of the reality I have grown into with her, I no longer have any relationship with my parents or siblings, due to my choice to work on things with her first,

The long and the short of this all is, what is realistically my best choice in life? I've given up hope my wife will ever want me again I'm even inviting my wife to come to my therapy session to share all the things she believes are wrong with me, from her perspective, based on her experiences with me. I understand this will be a very one-sided therapy session, and am prepared to hear her air any and all dirty laundry she feels she has on me (I've been no saint). I believe my therapist will still see Aspergers, but my wife will leave feeling further vindicated if my therapist doesn't get her to believe otherwise. At the end of the day, I'm comfortable being the best "me," but cannot handle someone I love believing that I would ever willfully do damage to others to feed my ego.
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Hi, First of all, thank,you for your service in the military and I'm sorry to hear of the injury that resulted in the loss of your leg below the knee. I can't imagine what that would be like nor can I imagine the loss of 70 pounds due to anxiety over relationships. So,give yourself credit for surviving all that.

I think it's a good step that you have invited your wife to the therapy sessions. Perhaps if she can gain an understanding of what Asperger's is and how it is manifested in your life, she will come to see that this is part of who you are and not that you plan to act narcissistic in relation to her. And I hope that as she gains an understanding and even an appreciation for what it is like for you to live with Asperger's, that she will gain a better understanding and appreciation for you.