One Thing I Absolutely Cannot Seem To Deal With

Post Reply New Topic

If I have an Autistic based struggle, which I do a lot, and it affects my communication or my relationship with an nt, (not romantic relationship, just relationship in general) and I try to explain to the nt what I am feeling or why I am struggling, rather than trying to understand what I am saying, the nt immediately goes into a rant and tells me why I should understand why nts don't understand me and why they are justified in not understanding me and why I should at all times accommodate the fact that they cannot and will not understand me. This is not just one nt, this seems to be mostly all of them. Then I get told how difficult it is to be around me and to constantly have to accommodate me (basically because I ask people not to play certain kinds of music around me. That is the big accommodation that they are so upset about making for me.) But I have to accommodate everything about my entire life for them. I have to speak they way they want me to, I have to act the way they want me to, I have to be in whatever persona they are comfortable with at all times, I have to understand everything that they are not actually saying, I have to be socially acceptable to them at all times, and the list goes on and on and on.

But if I have a need or a struggle, I am not allowed to have it or to express it.

Some kinds of music have a really insistent beat that some people find disruptive. Some lyrics are offensive. Some people find themselves processing the entire content whether they want to or not.

life is unfair, and it sucks. And that's just the way it is.

Its that way because of the imbalance: you the lone individual vs the crowd.

They outnumber you so you have to conform to being like them, and they don't have to accommodate you.

it's ignorance of the condition.
they think we're being over-sensitive and a bit precious, attributing it to a character flaw that needs to be fixed, instead of a neurological difference.

Paradox or brain-teaser?

Is this at work or something? Because I don't understand why you'd spend time with people who make things difficult for you.

One way to compensate for poor social skills is to back down and let others get their way.
This may be the situation here. I learned better on the job social skills. It took a long time.
But, I spend far less time doing stuff just because someone else thinks its a good idea.

This is pretty much every nt in every situation that I have ever encountered. It's the curse of being so "high functioning" and looking so much like an nt on the surface that no one will believe that you are not one.

It becomes very difficult and every time I try to do something to protect myself, I get criticized for doing what I need to do to protect myself. I am so exhausted.

Before I self-diagnosed I had already been telling my mgmt (who had flippantly told me "people don't change") --- that I changed for them everyday, that I adjusted for them EVERY DAY. That I was Exhausted. I initially thought it was b/c I am a woman in a male-dominated environment and then I realized it was that and so much more: ASD (or similar). when the workplace was male-dominated and ASD-friendly, I was comfortable enough --- but it went NT on me. Now self-diagnosed (eval next month), I considering that a large proportion of my lifelong depression has been suppressing myself rather than accommodating myself. So now that I am unmasking... results are mixed. I am working on my assertiveness to go along with the new style. Wishing us well in our endeavors.

It's called lack of empathy, I think. On the NTs' part, I mean. They aren't doing what they do out of ill will, or at least not most of them, but simply because they don't get it. Kinda like a toddler having fun with the water faucet who gets upset when his or her parents shut it off and say they need to save water. Why save water when playing is so much fun? It's a bit similiar to that.

That said, an autistic person can't possibly ask the NTs to adapt without trying to do so themselves. That'd be hypocritical. Some kind of middle road should be found in relationships (including the non-sexual and non-romantical ones) between NTs and autistic people, but to do that the knowledge about autism should be systematically increased. Making it a part of the teaching program at school, like in health classes or something, might help the future generations of autistic people. As for us adults, well, we just need to go things through with every new person when the need comes. Sucks, but that's what we're stuck with.

Yeah. It's tough. Nts are always telling me that I need to adapt to accommodate their needs. But they never feel like they need to adapt to accommodate mine and they get angry if I ask them to do simple things. They are always telling me that I need to understand that they don't understand me and that I need to adapt so that we can get along. What they don't realize is that I am adapting everything about my entire existence every single time I am around them so I have to do that all day every day unless I am alone so that I can be acceptable to them. So it makes it very difficult for me when they refuse to adapt a small thing for me. I can't sustain life this way and I am getting to a point in my life where I am no longer able to sustain it neurologically and physically because of decades constantly having to adapt everything for them and not being allowed to exist as my Authentic self.

The things I am asking of them are not going to shorten their life spans. What they are demanding of me every day of my life is shortening my life span.

I hear you, and am sensitive to noise as well. (Reminds me of a quote: "You can look away from art, but you can't listen away from music".) I particularly struggle with lyrics promoting sexual violence, due to trauma issues.

Are these people avoidable? If they're housemates or neighbors, that can be hard to get away from. I had a neighbor who blasted music (if you can call it that?) so loud our walls shook, and due to echolalia I had repetitive, FCC-violating lyrics stuck in my head for days. In that case you can report it to the police, and they'll stop by and let your neighbors know there's been a complaint - but that has repercussions as well, if you're worried about violence, harassment, and retaliation.

If they're friends that otherwise you would enjoy socializing with... That's where being 'authentic' means examining your priorities, and making some tough decisions. Asserting your needs, and establishing your boundaries - which sometimes means distancing yourself from people who don't respect them.

If the situation is avoidable, then it's ultimately your decision, whether to engage with these people or not. If it's not avoidable, and they're neighbors or housemates... I agree, that is really tough.

The answer to your question is or not!
NTs operate in a social framework. So you can operate in their social framework or not and be yourself.

NTs operate as a herd. Some of this structure are distant shadows evolved from earlier species such as primates.

As species evolved some animals (for example primates) began to exhibit social traits. Social animals in a hierarchic community have been observed exhibiting the following structure:

The highest-ranking individual is sometimes designated as the Alpha Male. Alpha animals usually gain preferential access to food and other desirable items or activities. Alphas may achieve their status by superior physical strength and aggression. The individual with alpha status sometimes changes, often through a fight between the dominant and a subordinate animal. These fights are often to the death, depending on the animal.

Beta Male animals often act as second-in-command to the reigning alpha. They will replace a dead or unfit alpha and become the next alpha.

Omega Males are referred to as the lowest caste of the hierarchical society. Omega animals are subordinate to all others in the community, and are expected by others in the group to remain submissive to everyone. This structure is also mirrored in females. Omega animals may also be used as communal scapegoats or outlets for frustration, or given the lowest priority when food is distributed.

As Aspies, we are Omegas. We are "communal scapegoats or outlets for frustration, or given the lowest priority". So we are faced with two choices. We can try our best to fit in socially, to become part of the herd. Or we can become loners. The path to independence for us is a hard path and we have to develop a fairly thick skin. But if you succeed then you have the privilege of becoming a unique creation called a non-conformist.


That sounds really frustrating to deal with and completely unfair. We already do so much for nts but if we ask for help and understanding it's not OK. IT's not exactly the same but I often get disbelief for certain issues and get told I really need to get over them to get by. While that is technically true, what this ignores is the fact I can't just "get over" it to make it easier for you to deal with me because seemingly basic things are very hard for me. It's caused many issues with family and now, in college. It's very frustrating and of course I can't properly express what I'm feeling so I just break down crying a lot in empty places of the college now.

I don't have such bad experiences. Most times I say things like "please turn the music down, it hurts me" or "sorry for wearing earplugs, the noise here is above my pain threshold but I still hear what you say", "did you really mean it? I tend to get things literally" or "I'm really hopeless in organising things, I can do Math but planning is not my element" were met with positive reactions.
Yes, there are people who get offended. Most of them have some issues of their own that makes them think everything is about them. I'm learning to accept that unintentionally offending someone every now and then is a part of my life.
Being myself is worth it.