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Hi My name is Hope and I have a 16 year old with Aspergers and OCD. Also a 5 year old showing signs of aspergers too. I am really having a tough time because, my 16 year old is really angry these days. He is always yelling at us (even when we don't do anything) we can ask him a question and he yells. He won't take ANY responsiblity for his actions, he intentionally or will be mean to his younger brother of just turned 5. I don't know how to get through to him that he has to understand what his actions are doing. He is always so angry, and when I try to talk to him about it, he just yells at me, always refuses to even attempt to see what I am saying but most of all, is always changing the conversation from one minute to the next even if it is a contridiction to what he just said, he will change it to PROVE as he says he is right and I am always wrong. My 5 year old is starting to show the anger and is already a loner like my older son, and my 16 year old refuses to see that there is an age difference and he cannot treat the 5 year old like he does the rest of us. I guess my question is, How do I help him and us deal with this anger since we won't talk about it, or tells us he just can't control it?

Thanks

How is school going for him?
Does he have any positive relationships, or enjoy very much these days?

I know that you are thinking "It is him, he is the one causing the problems and needs to change". And you are right, to an extent. The problem is, it sounds like he is a very frustrated boy, his fault, your fault, societies fault, it does not matter. You are not going to be able to "crack through and reach him and convince him he needs to change" because he is not capable of interacting on that level. The biggest problem is, his inappropreate behaviors are a symptom of a bigger problem. You can't treat the symptoms, without getting to the core of the issue.

I would consider pulling him right out of school, and allowing him to do whatever he wants until next September. The only ground rule being, he cannot yell or scream at you, his sibling, or other people. Basically, take the pressure off of him, give him lots of space to breath. Don't engage in fights or arguements with him, leave him alone.

Don't focus on "making him understand". Focus instead on "setting rules". If he is fighting, you say "you are not allowed to talk to your brother in that manner. Keep it simple. He comes up with an excuse, say "it does not matter "why" all that matter is you stop. People do not talk to 5 year olds like that". Then ask him what he thinks he can do to decrease his frustration.

He is going to have to play a huge part in unwinding, and figuring out what works. You are going to find that it may be a whole lot of little things. with my 12 year old, one thing that has helped is buying him wireless headphones. With them on, he can focus on "what" he is trying to do or listen to, (music, T.V. Computer) and block out his siblings actions and noise more easily. They are "family" headphones though. Because I can't deal with him freaking out if his siblings touch them, or if someone else wants to use them. But I use them as a way to give him a time out from his surounding environment when he can't cope, as opposed to giving the surrounding environment a time out from him!

I think you are going to need a lot of coaching and therapy. You have years of bad habits and cycles to break. It will not get fixed in one day. The parents section here may prove to be very helpful!

Good luck.

And yes, I know it is hard, I just sent my son, with a broken arm to his room for being a jerk to his younger siblings, and not trying with his school work. Honestly I should just toss the school work out the window, but I am buying into the pressure from the school. I have regrouped, I am going to let him come out, work on whatever HE wants to finish, and tell the school where to go as far as his doing or not doing stuff. Afterall, he just had perhaps one of the worst weekends of his life. Just because he is already "behind" does not mean we can "push him". It is just going to have to wait.

Take care;

Bear in mind that we aspies have a behaviour we call a meltdown. We usually do this when we have been overwhelmed. Usually this is a matter of too much society, but hard schoolwork - and our intellect is usually high at peaks but spotty - adds stress.

At 16 he is undergoing body changes, we rarely like changes of any sort. He is an adolescent - this is a time for change.

Can you I'D the situations that trigger these isues, can you get him to quiet withdrawal before he loses it? Easier to prevent than to stop.

Does he have WP access? He can vent here. We are all alike.

Well I finally feel like I am hearing thoughts and suggestions that will help. As far as identifying what triggers this I am having trouble in this spot. He comes home angry and when I inquire if something has happened in school he just says "No!" I know he is going through changes because of his age, but what is the hardest here is getting to how to assess each situation and where or how I begin to deal with it. Simply not knowing what the triggers are (well sometimes it is the fact that we will ask him to do something that is needed to be done but he doesn't want to do it because he doesn't want to stop what he is doing, or his little brother wants to talk or play with him.)

I asked him about his understanding about him being an Aspie and he said he doesn't really understand, so yesterday I told him about him getting online here and chatting with others .. like you Nutbag, or anyone that will help him get some understanding, venting etc. Whatever he needs. I am wondering if any Aspie out there would write be willing to chat with him a bit this week and maybe it will help him. I am still new to wrongplanet and learning how he would chat and all is something I am still learning. Yesterday when I told him that there was a place for him to talk to others who share this, at first he said NO, then he came back and asked me if he could chat with someone on the internet. So of course my answer was a great big YES! I want to learn from other parents, or Aspies who can help me and my son. Everyone I know, just tell me that we ought to just send him away and that hurts me most in my life. That will never happen, and I cannot stand people who even suggest it. I just thank you all and hope you will continue to help me understand my most precious boy. I love him and want him to be happy. Please write back again. I feel like I am on the wrongplanet sometimes and it is my way of thinking that is not on track, but I need HIM to not make life to only be about him and his wants.. sometimes, we need him too. (yes the meltdown is what I believe he is in now, especially in school he has been having his STate wide school testing. Do you think all this is part of the cause? What do I do from here?

maybe this can help: http://unlearningasperger.blogspot.com - all the best

anger goes along with it, i think im not violent but when i was a teenager i used to beat up my sisters, i even threw one of my sisters down the stares, this is going to sound horrible, but when i was 9 or 10 when i was at the babysitters there was a baby on the bed and i bounced on the bed on purpose so the baby would fall off, i cant believe i did that. that ones going to send me to hell