Reading my written report

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I've been reading my written evaluation.

It's weird.....Here's a sentence that freaks me out a little and sort of doesn't.

"...displayed a loud speaking volume with an exaggerated inflection. He spoke in a Scottish accent temporarily."

Now, the loud speaking volume is right. It's been a complaint all my life. When I had to do my teaching demonstration to get my certification, the evaluator said, and I quote, "Remember to speak loud enough to be heard in the back of the class. Not everyone has a boomer like zkydz."

But the Scottish accent sorta does and doesn't. I didn't know I did it. But, at the same time it doesn't because when I think of things to say, it's usually cobbled from source or another. And, when it runs through my mind, it's in the 'character's voice' so it may have come through unfiltered.

I also didn't know I could do a Scottish accent. I didn't know I could do any accent. Whenever I have tried, people have always said, "What was that?"

There are things in there that genuinely do freak me out as it confirms some fears I had. Like the unknown vocalizations in full verbal form, not unintelligible.. When going through tests I had to solve some problems in my head. I had to pace. What I was suppressing was the urge to write it invisibly on the wall or table top. I couldn't use pencil and paper. But I was actively trying to suppress it. Well, I failed and didn't know it.

It was noted that I wrote in the air anyway. So, that's some sort of disconnect going on. And it's an extended version of what I was afraid of. So, just how spastic am I and didn't even know it? I know it's not so bad because there's no neurological issues in that way. Maybe just odd enough to throw people off?

There are some crazy disconnects in my face, body language and verbalizations in some strange combinations I am struggling to make sense of.

Really noted my distractedness, tangentialness and other things I wasn't aware of.

There are other things like finding out that some of the things are more amplified versions of things I've been slowly becoming aware of.

All my life, when I walk, I get very self conscious sometimes. Now, it's been noted in great detail. And, the way I walk has been mentioned. But, if you wanna get a chuckle, watch me run. I'm not as bad as Phoebe from 'Friends' but not much better. And, I played soccer...imagine that spectacle.

My speech patterns which has been something my family has mentioned since I was a child was reinforced. That doesn't surprise me though.

But, it's a lot to take in. They haven't delved into the abuse. Serious abuse since I was 3. Not my Mom and Dad. Dad was tough though, did get a little out of hand. But nothing compared to my stepfather. My mother was damaged goods and couldn't and eventually wouldn't even try.

I feel like yawning chasm....I can't describe it.

This is tough...double tough.

I am making another appointment though. I would like to clarify a few things from them.

Using echolalia and copying the accent is something that I do a lot too. I often find it hard to replicate an accent or do an impression of someone unless I am copying a specific thing that they said in which case it's hard not to do it. I always naturally repeat things I have heard from others and in the media, after watching Back to the Future I had to consciously stop myself from saying "Great Scott!" all the time and the last time I watched Star Wars I regularly quoted Darth Sidious (doing an impression of his voice too). If I moved to another country then I would probably start using the accent within a week.

Last Friday I was talking to my friend and he pointed out that I have some pretty obvious tells, for example I apparently point up in the air with my right hand when I have something interesting to say which is something I wasn't really aware of. There are some that I have become aware of myself by observation: I do a physical stim when I try to push a thought out of my mind, I tend to flap my hands and clap when I'm genuinely exited (in opposed to just faking it), and I draw circles in the air with my right hand when I'm thinking about what to say.

It definitely would be interesting to get a full evaluation like the one you got, when I got diagnosed 12 years ago I spent some time with a psychologist who determined that I most definitely had Asperger's and let me go after that without any further testing.

I'm also guilty of picking up random accents. And I'm mostly unaware of it. Whether I heard it in real or somewhere else.

It mistook me for someone who grew up abroad or a foreigner.
It also mistook me for someone of other regional or ethnic origin.
Sometimes it mistook me for being older or younger than I'm supposed to.


Funny times.

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It seems like you might have savant tendencies. Maybe you used them to make all that money previously.

Maybe you shouldn't think of yourself as disordered, but as somebody who is slightly odd, within the confines of human variation.

You should adapt to the world around you--but you should continue to make use of your strengths without feeling shame.

And work on your past traumas.

Yes^.

If you have a tendency to lapse into talking like Sean Connery at odd times you need to be aware that you do that.

If you are aware then you can either: stop doing it, or learn to do it on command so that it becomes a talent (otherwise its just an off-putting quirk, if not an actual speech impediment).

I was kinda like that as a child.

When our family took a big cross country road trip when I was 14 I noticed that I had a tendency to automatically start speaking in the dialect of the local people I was talking too. One cute girl my age traveling with her family from Texas struck up a conversation with me at a motel swimming pool we were staying at, and I had to bite my tongue to keep from responding to her in the same extreme drawal that she was speaking in because I was afraid she would think that I was mocking her.I actually had to force myself to deliberate speak in my normal mid Atlantic dialect.

It might have been a vestige of everyone's natural childhood impulse to pick up language- an impulse that most loose by adulthood when your brain gets ossified. I never noticed myself slip into dialect like that again much after 14.

However a few years later a middle aged high school teacher happened to state that she had the tendency to slip into "the same dialect the person I am talking to" as an adult, and several classmates raised their hand when she asked "how many of you do the same thing". So it might not be age related, and it might not be aspie related either.

If somebody started talking Scottish all of a sudden, from talking Yankee, I would just be amused. I wouldn't think anything is really wrong. I would think the person is a Rich Little type.

^^^You are right. I am choosing to learn a different path. I just didn't even realize how deep some of the deficits go. Isee them in writing and it's just a bit distressing.

I got a call fromt he therapist. She was checking on me because we would not meet this week. So, that was good. I was distressed that the pattern that had been set was disrupted. I got a chance to ask why she kept telling me I 'looked good' when I wasn't really feeling good. I was in the pink cloud of validation though.

So, she said she was just commenting on it.

I feel like when they do that, or when they say, "You do know that's a success," they're talking to me like this in that sing song way they talk to babies and pets:

"Who's a good Aspie. You are! Oh..ess...ooo are! Oh ess oo are! Good apsie...good boooyyyyy..."

I know it's me. Maybe the anger showing though? I dunno. But it feels that way. Ego has never been a problem. LOL

I would not worry about lapsing into accents. That happens to me all the time. Usually it ends up being an Aussie accent when I do it, or sometimes Brittish or French. I think it's pretty common on the Spectrum. And the other stuff you mentioned is probably common as well. When I did my diagnosis, I was finger writing in the air and could not do anything silently in my head and I walk like a gorilla. That is part of the traits list of Autism, having a different gait. I would not worry about the things you mentioned. And I don't see any reason to try to change them. I am certainly not going to stress about changing those things about me.

I think that road from impression to implosion is the inability to maintain any type of facade over a long period of time.

And I've been through it as well.

Aaah... during my assessment, I did something similar. During the test of remembering number sequences, I was fingerspelling them in the air. Not as unusual as you would think.

I am heavily affected by local dialogue. One of my volunteers has a very different speech pattern, and I find myself using it frequently, especially if I have been speaking with her frequently.

More, uh, interesting? Funny? When I was 16, my cousin from Crete stayed with us. She had lost most of her English (although it was her first language), and spoke mostly Greek. Her accent was extremely strong as a result. She stayed with us a month, during which my mom would frequently yell at me for 'mocking' her. Except the accent persisted even when my cousin was NOT there, and you could not quite detect the country I was from. (oops). Understandably, something as simple as binge watching tv shows/movies from England will affect my speech as well. (My husband teases me to no end because I have to consciously watch my speech after watching Doctor Who).

^^^Hahahahaha...That is funny. The oddest thing though: My family is southern to the core speech-wise. Listen to any Andy Griffith recording and that would be my Dad. Minnie Pearl would be my Mom. But, I never, ever had a Southern accent. So, I go to the Bahamas and start sounding Bahamian. I go to the North, I start sound like I'm from Michigan...that almost Fargo accent. I lived in Texas twice, Georgia three times, Florida was a constant because of my mother (Biological, not 'Mom') and Virginia.....Never a Southern Accent. They say they can detect it a bit here, but part of that has been cultivated for entertainment purposes when dealing with people.

That baffles me.