Is anyone listening?

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When having a conversation with someone that is not a technical or simple business exchange, I tend to get the impression the person is not really listening to what I am trying to say. Moreover, it usually appears they are trying to warp my words into what they want to hear. For example, I was recently talking to a social worker about my background and history and came to discuss my father. I did my best to make it clear that he was a very manipulative, narcissistic individual, and had a very calculating abusive nature (both mental and physical). I mentioned specifically that he seemed not to care about the well being of others, but rather wished only to change their behavior, appearance, interests and feelings to his liking. For example, he seemed to want to tell me I did not love my mother, and then punch me if I told him that I actually loved her very much. My mother suffered from many mental health issues (gallon-sized freezer bag full of meds, she had), and rather than really wanting to see her feel better and get to where she wanted to be once diagnosed, he was hyperfocused on making her more docile, and less resistant to his impositions. In fact, he supported the treatments which made my mother (once a brilliant, creative woman) a vegetable above all else, praising electro-shock for making her so much easier to deal with (read: she was in bed all day and did not say much anymore). I might add, my mom, though she did have her issues, was an incredibly caring person, and always did her best to make her friends and family truly happy. He was satisfied only when she could no longer drive, or make her own decisions, housebound.

However, upon hearing my very specific and explicit descriptions, she nods as if she understands perfectly what I am trying to express and says something to the effect of "people can really hurt each other sometimes when they are trying to be helpful." I felt very confused and disturbed that she would respond this way. It took me so long to understand and accept that my father was abnormal in his abusive nature, and that most other kids were not getting beat down in the corner for minor slip-ups (often these just being me "rolling my eyes," even though I was never ACTUALLY rolling my eyes at all, at least not intentionally. I tried to clarify and she responded again in away that seemed devoid of understanding, yet she behaved as if she knew better than I did my own childhood and family. After another go, she just kind of nodded and that was it.

Is this just how people actually talk to each other? For me, the purpose of social conversation is simply understanding of the participants. Others seem to wish to warp what I say into whatever is compatible with their immediate world-view, and then consider it reality, without a care in the world as to whether or not what they think is accurate.

Yeah, that's a kind of weird response.

I often think people aren't listening to me and sometimes interpreting what I say in a completely different way. It's annoying because I only want it to be interpreted the way I intended.

Yes, the therapist clearly wasn't listening to you. She is being lazy at her job but perhaps her work load is excessive. I would persist in clarifying. I was talking to a psydoc and telling him that I had suffered from mental fatigue for as long as I could remember, at least as far back as my teens. He responded by saying that he was sure that it was tiring caring for a 13 year old son. I had to remind him what I just said. Also, I think people decide what you mean before you finish and interpret everything you say within that framework.

Ok I don't know whether you love your father or not...but I think you should report him for beating you. If my dad beat me I would report him right away...or I would probably end up murdering him.

OK, I agree with some of the other posters that the social worker's response was a) unsatisfactory and b) on the lazy side.

Context is (almost) everything, so I don't know why your conversation took place, to what purpose, and whether there are other professionals you are seeing.

Remember that a social worker is not a doctor, or therapist, or in any way, shape or form medically qualified. He or she may have a limited understanding of how you are. Or is this social worker someone who is assigned to you on the basis of an ASD?

In that sense I would say the conversation was a kind of "technical exchange" in the sense that (for the social worker) it was work related, and required a certain amount of expert knowledge (which they may or may not have). I wouldn't call this a "social conversation" although I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that.

You are absolutely right in that all conversation should be about understanding each other better rather than the listener having their expectations met or confirmed.

She was asking me questions and I was answering them. I do not know the purpose, to be honest. Either way, why ask me anything if she was not going to listen? That is frustrating and confusing. There is nothing nice about dishonesty. This behavior reminded me of typical "conversations" that I have with people that are not work/business-related. No one seems to want to understand what you are saying - they just want to find a way to turn what you are saying into what they already believe about the universe. What is the point of this? It seems so shallow.

Yeah, I have this problem all the time. I try to be as explicit and clear as possible and people keep turning my words into something else I didn't mean or something that they think makes more sense (or so what they've said leads me to believe).

First I must open with the obligitory: "Is anybody listening? Oooh.. There's no reply at all."

Now seriously:


Oh yeah, I encounter this all the time. The most irritating part is when they stubbornly adhere to their misinterpretation of what you said even when you VERY CLEARLY explain that they are wrong. Then they get mad at you for picking fights with them

I had always thought that conversation was for the purpose of sharing opinions and understanding eachother. It was only a few years ago that I figured out it isn't that at all. It's some convoluted mess of agreeing with everyone, stroking eachothers egos and subtly putting eachother down in order to elevate your social status. After that realization, small talk became so much easier to me. You just say "I'm doing well today, how are you? Nice weather we're having." and don't have to participate in any of the subtle manipulation.

I think some people may take objection to my assessment above and say "not everyone is like that" and I admit this is probably true. But it is impossible for me to tell the difference between conversation to exchange ideas and the above. I can get clues that the "stroking of egos" is going on because any time you express an opinion that is against the views of what everyone else is saying, most of the time people react with offense and accuse you of trying to ruin their fun or bring them down. The social status thing comes in to play when people discuss their new houses, cars, sexual partners, new babies on the way .. etc and then all subtly try to one-up eachother by saying "Oh yeah I remember how happy I was when MY baby was born last year" etc.

Is there a possibility that the social worker was putting what might be called a firewall between her own emotions and the abuse you suffered? I have read a number of things about how fast social workers burn out, often in just 2 or 3 years. It would make sense in light of that for a social worker to take an attitude along the lines of, "I've got to keep that from connecting with my emotions and make sure that it remains just a data point, or feeling the feelings of so many clients will ruin me"

Absolutely:the poster above you is the one who deserves the blame for reviving a dead thread.

But your were talking like you were actually expecting the person to respond. Just warning you not to hold your breath. Lol!