Poem

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I'm not a writer generally speaking and I usually am not a fan of poetry, but I've been trying to think of a way to try and communicate to people what it's like for me to have AS in a way that they might understand. I've just written this (thoughts off the top of my head over a couple of days, so if it stays with me I might edit it or add to it) which I guess comes under the title of poetry as it's not sentences, and wondered what anyone thought of it:


Wish

As a photo never does justice to a sunset, my words are a shadow of what is within.

The special people are the ones who saw, who looked for a way in to what was underneath. Time. They gave the inside me a value, they gave me hope that I was reachable and worth reaching. They saw my quietness in the chaos of many lives.

They help me be the me I want to be (but can't imagine) and let me be the me I am.

Gently find the way in

Hold me

Listen to my silence

Need people, but the people hurt.

I need nobody, too.

Is it worth the payback no-one sees? Payback just for me.

Inside, but I can't get it out. Inside, but I can't get in.

So much, so much inside. I wish you could read me, like a book. You could tell me the story.

Love. Love so much it hurts. No empathy is a lie, a misconception.

I wish

But how?

That's quite beautiful.

Indeed, a beauiful poem!
I think it does well to provide a summary of how you feel like on the inside and how you perceive the world around you.

"Need people, but the people hurt." and "Love. Love so much it hurts." made me wonder if you meant through the consequences of that interaction (and maybe also people repulsing you and not wanting to connect) or because of the tiring effect it has and sensory issues (so perhaps also literal pain). I think the contrast to "I need nobody, too." is very nice as well. So many people seem to have troubles to comprehend that while we might like to enjoy interacting with them and having them around, we also need some time off from them.

"No empathy is a lie, a misconception.", with this you have written the same thing I think. We're mistaken for having no empathy, but I doubt that very much for numerous reasons and personal experience.

I wonder how those who aren't on the spectrum are going to understand your poem.

That's a very wonderful poem. It's beautifully written. Love and people can hurt a lot.

Thanks for being nice I'm glad you liked it. Since posting I've realised I didn't put anything about routines or stimming or change, which are important too. Should I add or would it spoil the effect and take focus off what's in there? Hope I'm not aboutto become a serial poem-writer!

With the hurting Sylvastor I think it was a bit of everything. I always feel exhausted and "more autistic" after being with people, and I often come away thinking that I didn't really get across what I meant to, of thinking of things I could have said. And it's sad that people don't understand what I go through to give the performance they get. But I still want to give it and don't begrudge it. Like you say, interactions ist even if we want them.