Advice on eye contact,

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Hello everyone,

I'm new here, but I hope it's not out of order to ask a question so soon.

Well, to save those who don't like bodies of text: I'm looking for advice from people who have "overcome" the struggle of eye-contact, that is, how have people come to manage acceptable optical contact?

I don't know if background information might be able to provide greater resources for people, but in college I was able to do eye contact reasonably I think. In school and growing up I never really did it and it seemed to go okay, as in I was never "called out" or told off for it. Then in high school - or secondary school - I became aware that it was something that was expected, and my anxiety made me force myself to do it ... thoughts along the lines of 'people will think you're strange if you don't' ect.

College was a little better with anxiety and depression; I had a small group of close friends and this was all I could have asked for at the time - however, the smoking of copious cigarettes and downing of far too much alcohol provided a ... lessening of the negatives as it were. I even managed to get myself a couple of short-term girlfriends, but as is with all relationships of mine - romantic or otherwise, - they just seemed to fizzle out for reasons beyond my comprehension. But yes, during college, eye-contact was a thing I could manage ... albeit fleetingly.

Then, after a few years, and a few other ventures, I got my diagnosis of Asperger's and clinical depression, and now, I really struggle with eye-contact; it's verging on impossible. But I understand its importance in the real world, and want to get back to being able to doing it.

I do voluntary work at a local library and attempt new techniques regarding social conventions whenever I feel able, which is great, because I know the ladies there quite well, so it's a little easier for me than elsewhere.

Ah, I don't know if it's worth mentioning, but the reason it's so hard to look at people is that it mentally spikes my anxiety while creating this horrible "pressure" sensation behind my eyes that builds and builds until I really have to look away, and the sensation that builds takes a while to dissipate.

This is getting too long, so I'll ask the question again before closing. Are there any techniques I could perhaps begin to implement - either in mindset or in practice - to reformat myself to achieve eye-contact again? I have tried the "flitting" method and I find it the least upsetting to me, but sometimes I find myself transfixed on people's eyes because I have to concentrate so hard on it - I also scowl naturally, and I've heard I sometimes upset people by doing this. I have read about the technique where you look at the person's mouth or forehead, but I get anxiety doing either of these things: anxiety that women would think I'm looking at something I shouldn't be when I'm not, or anxiety that people notice I'm not actually looking at their eyes.

Sorry for the mass of text, and thank you for reading!

I don’t know if this will help, but I learned that very early.

It was consequence of being forced to obey
"look me in the eyes when I'm talking to you!! !" screaming at me.

So I turned it into staring contest.

When I do, I'm turning off all emotions, putting on my stone face and that seems to scare s**t out of people, after they are the ones who are avoiding eye contact.
...
Well, it's not something I'll recommend, now when I'm thinking about it...

"So I turned it into staring contest."

See, I wonder if - on some level - that's a part of the problem. Naturally, I avoid conflict, so any semblance of aggressiveness is terrible for me. Ha, this might even be the reason why it takes me a horrendously long time to use public toilets if forced to.

I think that problem with eye contact is that we are afraid that we will get to much information about that person, and then be ashamed for them.

When I make eye contact I generally don't mask my autism as well, I stare them down, and I miss half of what they say. I have noticed that neurotipicals regularly look away briefly and that is just one more thing that I would have to do to act normal. I just don't make eye contact the vast majority of the time, I look somewhere else on their face or at sonething behind them. It seems like more effort then it's worth to make eye contact.

While I certainly do struggle with eye contact, I have found that my ability to do it more easily depends on my mood and level of tension. If I can find something to be happy about, and think about that thing, my face feels more open, the faces of other people less repulsive (that is, in a repelling, not disgusting sense), and my own eyes lighter. I also sometimes have that feeling of pressure behind the eye that you describe, but if I see looking at the other person's face as a way of connecting and feeling less alone, and if I approach eye contact as if it were a relieving thing rather a burden, it is easier. Another thing that helps me is focusing on what the person is saying and on wanting to understand them or make them feel comfortable, rather than trying to micromanage the mechanics. If I can notice as soon as I start to feel an aversion, admit it, accept it, and drop it, I feel freer to make eye contact after that. I've also battled with staring fixedly when I do make eye contact, and I have found that letting myself relax, not seeing eye contact as such a big deal, and just looking at the other person's face with a soft gaze produces more natural eye contact than when I try to force it. Even looking in their general direction, rather than straight into their eyes, is sufficient. It does help both you and the person you're talking to if you look away from time to time as if you're thinking about something he or she is saying.

As you say, though, being depressed makes it very difficult, if not sometimes impossible. I notice that exercise tends to boot me out of my depression at least temporarily, and for a time afterwards eye contact is no big deal. I also jump off of things regularly, am learning to do handstands, and have started learning parkour to improve my physical coordination and push against my fear of heights and my disconnection with my body. Somehow this translates to reduced anxiety and depression, and I feel a lot more confident and think way less about eye contact. Sometimes doing something very difficult for you makes everything else easier, and having goals can nudge you out of your comfort zone. Don't know if any of that helps, but it's what has worked for me. There's always some degree of fluctuation in the quality and tolerability of eye contact, but generally, if I can stop thinking about myself and how well I'm doing it, it works.

Mmm, it certainly seems so. Like you I struggle to comprehend what's said if I do eye contact; language mutates into odd sounds, completely formless in meaning. But I just worry about getting a job and fear it might stop me finding a partner or whatever.

In my past experience, that is something I understand. In example, with my first proper girlfriend, before we began the relationship I was very happy around her, and found eye-contact with her relatively easy - relative to, say, a shop-keep, or a random individual from the street.



Hmm, yes, this is a very good point. One of my virtues, perhaps even the strongest, is the acquisition of any knowledge there is to know, so, in a way, it might be possible to utilise this virtue towards ... people. I believe it axiomatic that every individual is a vessel of some knowledge, be it slight or grand, basic or rarefied. Ergo, if eye contact could, even slightly, provide a greater understanding, it would - technically - be against my greatest virtue to not do so ... interesting.



I know these things every well, and the former taught me the importance of the latter. After college, I pushed - I mean really ventured - myself out of my comfort zone; as far as possible I would say. I joined up to do 3 months volunteer work, in another country, 6000 miles away, with people I didn't know, about stuff I had no knowledge of. As it turned out, it was the most amazing thing I've done to date, and I frequently use that whole situation as a means of comparison: this situation might be bad, but you went abroad for ages and managed well enough or there abouts.


Blimey, thanks for the input everyone !

I tend to look at people's mouths, or un-focus my eyes and look at their face when direct eye-contact is required.

Just don't look down when speaking to women (I got over this one quick when I was much younger when I was publicly accused by the woman I was speaking to of looking at her breasts...)

There's a difference between not LIKING Making eye contact and not being able to make eye contact.

I know I can't multi task and look at a person and understand what they're saying or even hear them at all. I need to look away or "turn off my eye sight" and focus on the words they say. I will remember to face them but I can't look at their face at all.

If it's a matter of feeling uncomfortable or anxious looking someone in the eye. With practice it can improve but just do it small amounts of times daily or it'll exauhsted or burn you out.

I had that lecture, "look me in the eye, only lier's and bad people can't look others in the eye!" That is the nice version, the real ones were a bit more, uh, verbally abusive.... After this battle occurred enough times, from more than the usual source, and trying desperately to fit in, I learned to look at cheeks, ears, forehead, hair, (do NOT look down, chest area, that cause's other problems when talking to other guys girls etc.) and noses. To this day, folks comment that I look them square in the eyes, lol. Like other posters, I think its a fear I will read to well what I see there, or at least think I do, that makes it so uncomfortable. I know that disappointed look, for example, and I truly hate it, once I learned thats what that look meant....

I've read of Asperger's-esque "horror" stories as it were regarding this. I've definitely come to terms with how not to look at anything on the face below eye level - that is, if I'm ever able to look at people again!

Yeah, I've got my volunteering at the library today, so I'm going to try the flitting method on the librarians and people there, but try it with looking at people's eyebrows like another poster mentioned.

I have discovered however - only in the sense that I've come to observe myself doing it - I can look at people fine ... when they are not looking at me; I would even go so far as to say I enjoy doing this ... is that odd? Hmm... I've even just recalled a part from a novel I wrote years ago :

"Ever since It arrived, I began to find myself becoming more inclined towards the quieter and lesser-populated activities; I became somewhat antisocial, preferring my own company over other’s, and would spend most of my free time alone, either walking around in nearby Districts, or sat alone in my quarters on the forty-second floor in District 1-5-7. If it came to it, I could spend time in a social environment, there was no actual force withholding me from doing so; it had just become something of a preference to avoid if possible, yet, if such a situation would arise, I would not do as others did. I would simply sit and watch people, gazing at groups of strangers or at the reactions of people watching a broadcast on the T-Screen – somehow, It had shifted my interests entirely. I had gone from loving to watch the T-Screen shows myself, to finding some obtuse fetish in watching other people viewing the shows; something upon their faces held hostage to my curiosity; their ignorance of their own captive destinies captured a fascination within me – oh how strange that seems to think of now! Sometimes I would even eavesdrop a conversation that became audible; the topics of discussion always so forced, yet, unbeknownst to the speakers, their speech and choice of words are controlled via external command; each “individual” a mindless vessel of negligent intention. I became engrossed by the curious nature of the kind of people I was ceasing to be."

You know, it seems very peculiar to read that now, because ... I wrote that YEARS before I even considered Asperger's a ... thing ... I hadn't even heard of it at that time. Weird. Adventitious.

I, in a strange way, understand what you mean. The exact example I will use revolves around the first ( and only proper ) girlfriend I ever had. Right at the beginning of the relationship I remember looking at a photo of her, and ... seeing ... something in the shape of her eyes - not the pupils or iris, but the overall ... bordering of them. I brought it up with her... and tried to combine a "logic" with what I considered the shape of her eyes to mean, ... after I told her what I thought, she burst out crying and I was spot on in what I said - that her eyes reflected a deep sadness born from a kind of loss or lacking. Turns out she never had a dad. Nonetheless, I haven't looked at photos much any more - never really liked them anyway. I'm not saying I have any kind of powers here... definitely not ... I'm a skeptic by nature and attuned towards more rational explanations first - but the experience was odd for me considering I don't have a clue about body language and facial expressions.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear you had a hard time with the "talk" about eye contact; I've had similar, but it was only with my mother and can look at her okay.


Thank you everyone for the replies, being so new here I'm very thankful!