Biggest fear coming true

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Before I start, I'm really pissed at the website. I put 30 minutes into this stupid post and then the website crashed. Lost it all.....Grrrrrrr......

Ok, now on to the real things in life:
My biggest fear through all of this has been this: After two years of virtually no work, and before I could make heads or tails of all of this, I would have to deal with new people in a work related capacity. I'm breaking out the white tips for easy lighting of this funeral pyre that has become my professional life. Time to put the zkydz on the barbie.....

As I have stated before, I can make money. I am good at my job. I just can't keep clients because of all the other issues that keep me in my basement apartment for, on average, more than 90% of any given week. Only venturing out when absolutely needed. Sensory overloads, the anxieties that make that worse and keep me on edge. How big of a client can I lose? Ohhhh...how about FootLocker. The work was fine. But, I gather now that over time the emails got to where they were 'handling me.' How many times do you think you do that with that level of clientele?

The only thing good is that I have until Monday afternoon to work through all of that. You know what I mean. All the looping to cull out the best examples of 'positive' interactions to create my script and anticipate all the things that can happen. The worry about what happens if they go off script and all of that is still prevalent.

My stomach is knotting up already. Nauseated.

I am scared.

All of these fears have been present for a long time now. It's one of the reasons I looked into this so hard. And, now it's happening.

Murphy's law is biting me in the ass and fate is laughing at me for daring to buck its will.

"It tasks me; It heaps me; I see in it outrageous strength..."

I wish you luck and hope everything goes well on Monday.

Also, I feel your pain for losing stuff you spend so much time typing up on here. After that happened to me a couple times, I started doing all my big posts on word and just copy and paste to the site so I don't lose everything.

That's a good idea. Thanks for the good words. It's good to hear encouragement.

It happened a couple of weeks ago with a head hunter. And, it apparently didn't go well as there was no further follow up. So, just skittish.

It's just this is the only place that people understand.

You've only recently been diagnosed, right? So for most of your life, you tried to "pass" ... and now you're exhausted from the effort.

We all become less flexible as we age. I heartily resented managers who tried to mold me into whatever they thought they'd like me to be. (And oh, can I give a cold shoulder towards a hapless manager half my age and maybe 2/3 of my IQ. Never mind that...) But I've had to put up with a lot of crap and seemingly more the older I got. Right now I'm planning to retire within the year and the organization knows it. From my observations, if they know you're leaving reasonably soon they just try to outwait you, rather than change you, which is nice. I've been a lot happier at work lately.

But enough about me, let's talk about you. I hope things go well for you next week. But in the event you can't handle the interpersonal issues sufficiently well, I would seriously sign up ASAP for vocational rehabilitation. They can help you somewhat with the politics of your disability, and may also find you a slot where your issues are not really problematical. Good luck, pal.

1.) Yep. 8 days old. April 14.

2.) AsPartOfMe told me about autistic burnout when I told him about the things I was experiencing early on this journey. I would have to agree. I really am tired. And it freaks me out because I am so aware of the stupid things I do now that I'm just edgy all the time. And it's getting very hard to maintain the mask.

3.) Waiting on the written diagnosis so I can get someone to help me navigate the assistance and be able to coordinate the various services I qualify for. This is driving absolutely nuts. I know I want it thorough, but, at the same time, kinda hanging here. Also driving me nuts that it wasn't ready on schedule. Kinda messed up my plans and we know how that goes, eh? Gotta balance that out, but it ain't easy.

Right now, I'm basically home bound.

But, yeah, feeling a bit weird about everything. Simple things cause confusion and then that causes panic.

But, thanks for the perspective. I do need to learn how to do things better. When your life is a shambles and it's all because of the same things, and you're the only common denominator....wellll.....

And, I am not inflexible at my age...I am...

Rigidity enhanced!! That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Yeah...That's the ticket!

OK, had the meeting. On the one hand, all went as feared getting there. In the meeting, I lucked out big time. THIS is why I say I'm the luckiest SOB on the planet.

It was an older gentleman who understood my frame of references. He was also like me in that he was really into it and got granular and details and showed me all the cool stuff.

Now, I thought it was cools too. But, it was technical, detailed and just the type of delivery I need for incoming.

So, I got lucky in that this guy and I grok...

That NEVER happens..

Now, it took almost 2 hours to get there. Even on trains not crowded, for some reason, with seats open, idiots kept sitting on me. smushing me, just yuck!

But, I had a short amount of time before the meeting and several blocks to walk, so that worked some of that off.

But, I am grateful that the guy was such a pleasant surprise.

And, can't talk about the project, but it is just so cool.

Thank goodness I have the school to sit in waiting for class. LOL It is my room for years. And it is quiet and the door is closed.

Wonderful.

Thank you. I think I may be the luckiest SOB on the planet though. LOL

It was so nice to just meet someone I grok. We just talked alike and had the same 'mojo' for lack of a better word.

Despite what you fear, it seems like you have much that is intact.

I think your anxiety probably leads to a false impression of your actual abilities.

It is apparent that your abilities, even in the social realm, are greater than what you think they are.

Yeah, I agree with what Kraftie kortie said. I think you got a lot on the ball, zkyskw, (why not an easier name?).

zkydz= skids as in 'hitting the...'

No, I got lucky today. But that is just the beginning. It's after this part that things usually go sideways. That has been proven.

The work is actually the easy part. It's that in between communication that gets me. Trying to get information and all.

So, that is why I am lucky. This guy seems to be an old me. It really is a project I can get behind. I have not had one of those in years. I mean, this really is something cool. I cannot say what. NDA and all....But, getting information will not be a problem.
"What time is it?"
"Well, the best watches are made in Sweden. The meticulous nature of the spring mechanisms were first...."

That's my guy!!

And, when he went granular on me immediately, I fell a little bit in lurv LOL But, the last 6 jobs I have had, I can tell you that they were not like this in personal experience. The office was quiet. It was a 5 floor walk up on the upper east side LOL THAT took some of the nervous energy out of me.

Keep in mind that I barely have left my apartment in almost two years. The three weeks I was in China with the wife, I spent 90% of that in the room we stayed in. ROOM, not apartment... So a 5 floor walk up was...energizing...yeah...that's the ticket!

But, all of you have helped a great deal. I really like the balance of how the messages are conveyed. I appreciate the insight and just plain spoken thoughts without all the confusing subtexts.

I second the suggestion to sign up for vocational rehabilitation. I did, even though I hadn't yet gotten my autism diagnosis. But I was diagnosed with a severe case of PTSD and that sufficed; people with PTSD have similar issues as those with autism, it's an anxiety disorder. It took a while, but I finally got the help I needed. I went through a process of trying to find out what sort of occupation I should do. The answer turned out to be computer programming. So I went through a course to learn how to program computers. When I finished, I was given aid in finding a job in programing. After I found a job, I was given further help with my anxieties. Voc Rehab was very helpful. I ended up working for 18 years in programming and loved the work. I recently retired with a pension, SSI, and some 401K savings.

I forgot to address this. I apologize. I am taking in a lot today. I got the written report. I was so focused on reading it, I almost didn't get out of the house on time, and then have been reading it since I got home, off and on.

So, I am trying to get all the training I can. They noted severe executive functioning and other things that are vocationally based. I have so much to learn. I literally have no transferable skills.

That's sad....55 and so specialized, I have no transferable skills. And, the overall job market has changed so much, I am having trouble maintaining.

If I could get a roster of guys like this guy today, I would be golden.

But, these jobs are so rare. I do want to be tested for aptitudes, find the proper educational/life choice. This is most important to me.

This is why: When I went into rehab, I was in an educational program. I literally could have been sent to any college or university I chose. But, nooooooo...I chose the wrong course and I do not want to make that mistake again. They're not going to give that chance to a 55 year old man. The social return is not good enough. At 38 going on 39, yeah, it was a good investment.

Had I known then what I know now, I would have made proper choices.

Now, it is imperative to make them now.

Ha, I got tested for vocational aptitudes a few years ago when I got sick. This is what I got as job matches:

Chemical Engineer
Microbiologist
Plant scientist/geneticist
Industrial Engineer
Mechanical Engineer
Anesthesiologist
Biomedical Engineer
Industrial Safety/Health Engineer
Education Teacher, Postsecondary
Computer/Information Scientist, Research
Biochemist
Civil Engineer
Food Scientist/Technologist
Animal Scientist
Environmental Engineer



Those were all 75-80% matches. Lower down the page was listed physicist, mathematician, aeronautical engineer, various types of psychologists, statistician. Obviously, I'd need a lot of schooling, lol. Almost all of the other jobs that were lower-paying and required less education requirements had lower match percentages. Apparently I was supposed to be an engineer. Who knew?

Of course this was before I knew I had ASD. Maybe now my matches would be something like bagging groceries at a supermarket, instead. I don't think they tend to have a lot of faith in the abilities of people with autism.

Supposedly I am going to get help for executive functioning problems. But I don't know what all that entails, or how successful that will be. I hope that they will do a decent job at getting you proper training, and helping you with executive functioning. The "help" that I got a few years ago was really not any help at all.

I understand. Job issues are difficult for many of us. You need a rest.

Here's one of my Aspie moments yesterday that turned out good.

The man's first name is *name*. When he gave me his card, I noticed it wasn't 'Short version of name' as I had been led to believe. So, the 'Aspie' part is this:

When I saw the name I went off on a tangent about how he was the first *name* I had met, was only aware of another *name* because he was an actor.

What was good? He joined in, and we talked about 5 minutes about odd names. Just all smiles and happy and that led a bit to family history and about 5 minutes after that, we both sorta wandered back on subject.

So, yes, I am the luckiest SOB on the planet.