Reflection on hanging out with other Autistic people

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All my life I have been labelled as different, forced to fit in, having to behave in a certain way, unaware that I was in the Autistic Spectrum. It made me quite self-conscious, anxious in social situations, punishing myself physically and mentally for not "getting it". I have been called a brute, mean, and inconsiderate, which obviously made me feel sad because I feel often misunderstood. Suicide was in my mind back then - all this was overwhelming and hard, and I seemed to be completely alone. Was I a psychopath who doesn't understand why other people are happy or sad? Was I stupid that I cannot get the social cues? What was wrong with me?

I recently started hanging out with other autistic people from with the local autistic association, and these negative comments, that I have been taught, come into my mind. One of the guys gets a phone call and talks loudly on the phone, when they are supposed to excuse themselves from the group, so I thought "How rude!" As the meet-up concludes, one guy, who was quiet all this time, leaves, without saying goodbye "What the hell?"

As I hear these, and other thoughts like these, cross my mind, I realise how inconsiderate I have become because of the comments I received all my life. Hanging out with other autistic people made me realise how different we (humans) are, and that we all have different needs, think different and have different priorities. We can't all become what society expects us to be, and there is certainly nothing wrong with us.

This realisation made me understand that I can be how I am and that is okay, that is allowed. Is also made me realise how important it is for everyone to expose themselves to people with different disabilities, disorders and syndromes because this is the only way our society will ever LEARN to accept and adapt to everyone's different ways and needs.

Just a small reflection.

It's a good reflection. You realize that certain behaviors that irritate other people also irritate you.

And you also realize that everybody has "something" wrong with them.

It's excellent to keep up a flexible attitude about people.

If he comes to meeting again apologize while the group is there and explain why. If it was not an Autism meetup I would just apologize without the explanation but I think in that setting it is appropriate.

I've been pretty reflective for a little over a year now and I do try to change my ways but sometimes I just can't, because like you said, I became inconsiderate because of the comments I received all my life.

Aside from my parents, I don't recall actually being verbally confronted by others, regarding how I come off, but it's pretty clear in any social situation that people feel "off" about me. Maybe my anxiety is more obvious than I thought, but even when I think I'm doing okay and contribute to a conversation (albeit being the quietest in a group) others would kind of exchange glances at each other - and this is something I've always picked up on, which would then dissuade me from even trying to participate.

I'm not really as "out there/disassociated" as I appear to be (I had been told a couple a instances that I look like I'm daydreaming when I was actually fine, I probably just tend to look like I don't care) where in actuality, I'm pretty conscious and know what's going on around me lol.

I'm quite observant. Its just that for whatever reason the social anxiety of speaking and having people look at me prevents me from being an active communicator, I guess. And people would notice that I hardly speak and they start feeling a little uncomfortable about me too.

Anyway, earlier in the year I had a semester long group project where 4 people were needed in a group. I had no one but a group of 3 girls (who were all friends beforehand) had approached and invited me to their group - which was a relief because I wasn't keen on having to act like a lost puppy and asking random people if I could join them, when some would just take a look at me and lie, claiming they got a full group already (this happened occasionally in the past during high school).

The first day started off fine, briefly introduced each other and then the 3 of them had been having a conversation about something that I couldn't really participate in because I didn't know who/what they were talking about and I didn't want to seem nosy/invasive, so I was quiet in that regard. Later during the assignment - though I was initially quiet - I spoke up, trying to make small talk as well as sharing ideas. But right when I was speaking they were all just glancing at each other and I just felt so uncomfortable. I didn't know what I was doing wrong. Was I not supposed to speak? Were they critiquing my voice? I suffer from a sort of monotone voice but I'd been working on being a little animated; and I recall I had a good voice that day - was pretty smooth and not dry/croaky like it frequently tends to be. I tried to ignore their glances and I continued to share ideas and whatnot further in the conversation - but they had just kept occasionally glancing at each other, sometimes smirking. It irked me so much. At the end of the class one of them got our numbers together to form a group chat, and then the 3 of them just started talking about something and I just wanted to leave so I left without saying bye. I noticed they were all staring at me when I looked back as I was going to the door.

Without a doubt they realized something is wrong with me and even afterwards all semester long I just never said bye at the end of class. The vibes were awkward and I did occasionally mumble "hey" at the beginning of class, but I never said bye to the group. And I'm pretty sure - the first time at least - that I did it on purpose just because I was annoyed at how they reacted to me when I spoke, but afterwards it just felt weird because I knew they had a certain vibe about me after that first day and I just didn't know how to counteract it without feeling awkward myself, so I just left it at that. I did contribute occasionally during discussions all semester long, getting the same reactions as the first day, which I was sick of - so honestly, I usually didn't even feel bad about leaving without saying bye.

But anyway this isn't my only instance of not saying bye to people. I definitely say it when I'm with someone one-one-one (no matter the outcome of the conversation) and I usually say it if its with 2 people, but I usually quietly leave on my own if its with 3 or more people. I don't know why.

Should I apologize even when I said nothing?

I should maybe explain that these thoughts that I had, and some things that I say (which is not the case now) are learned behaviour, not what I essentially feel or based on how I actually think - if that makes sense?

An example is with a close friend of mine who we meet at an intellectual level. He kissed a guy on a dare, and I behaved in a typical "omg no way, what?!" Look, I am queer, I honestly do not care, so why did I even say that? Because I tend to think and say things that one is "supposed" to say, as I so eagerly do not want to hurt people and want to fit in.



Thank you for sharing that and giving me your perspective. You know what you made me realise? I don't think I say bye to people either. If it is a larger group, I tend to sneak out. I think it is because I cannot do the "goodbye chitchat", tell false promises, and I find it hard to to know if I should shake the person's hand, kiss them on the cheek, hug or wave at them. Too much energy and anxiety to go through.

I should apologize to you though. I tend to write with comedy exaggeration that might not have been interpreted as I wrote my post. As the guy left, I did feel puzzled, but I certainly don't get angry when that happens - it was just something I am not often exposed to.

I am a very confused human being, I do not say what I think, I do not know how, what and when to express my thoughts, so I come out as a person that seems to be constantly lying, when I am not.

Sorry, for some reason I thought you said he was rude instead of just thinking it.