Night before my Aspergers evaluation + bad family reports

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So it's the night before my Aspergers evaluation and obviously I'm incredibly nervous. I asked 4 people to write 'descriptions' around topics such as communication difficulties, behaviour, social behaviour, special interests etc... This was difficult because my mum passed away already and we have no family, so the only people I could ask were my big brother, my dad, my mum's best friend and an only friend of mine who is a psychiatrist.

At 11pm the night before the appointment, my crap dad finally sends me his report. The only other person who sent one was my big brother. Yet in the very first paragraph, my dad because declares he does not think I have Aspergers, and that, even better, he's a primary school teacher, who works with children with Aspergers and Autism, therefore he should kind of know.

I'm so devastated and confused. I feel like I have 20 feelings in my head now and I don't know what they are. I'm so angry with him!

I spoke to my dad about thinking I might have Aspergers 2 years ago. He was the bloody one who persuaded me to get an evaluation! I abandoned the idea, then last year, for various reasons started to think it was glaringly obvious, I researched it again, only to AGAIN (for maybe the 4th or 5th time) put it out of my mind after close friends told me they thought I didn't have it. I said to my dad 'I can socialise, and I can make eye contact, so I don't think it's Aspergers' and my dad reacted, 'you DO have problems with eye contact, do the evaluation'. If anything, my dads attitude all this time has been one of the few things making me think it's worth getting tested, he was one of the only people who seemed to believe in me.

So why, the HELL has he now written:

"Having looked at the assessment questionnaire I found it difficult to recognise any of the characteristics listed. I have taught primary school children with Aspergers and their behaviour and functioning was quite marked. More recently I have taught a child diagnosed as autistic whose behaviour was more subtle. There was nothing for me that stood as unusual in Harriet’s early childhood with the exception of the instances listed below".

I really don't know what to do or what to think. He's also written my brother tried to suffocate me to death as a child, which was news to me, and then blamed my poor social skills on my now dead mother who apparently "would not even let me attend Harriet's school parent's evening and stopped her socialising with other kids'.

I'm so confused. The truth is, my dad had depression and was violent (with the house, not with us) when I was growing up. He spent almost the entire time avoiding/ignoring/screaming at us. I didn't have a relationship with him at all between the ages of 12 and 26 because of this. I honestly think he does not know me! He, of course, has not mentioned any of this. In phone calls to me lately where I've asked him about unusual behaviour when I was a child he's replied, "it was such a long time ago and there were four children in the family, I just don't remember". If he doesn't bloody remember, why has he not just said that in the report?

I've been so nervous all this time I can't believe the night before my appointment he would drop this on me and now I just to accept I don't have anything wrong with me. I don't know whether the report is valid or if I should give it to the psychologist tomorrow anyway but accept already that I'm trying to persuade myself I have something I obviously don't.

My big brother has written an amazing report. In his final paragraph he explicitly states he does not believe I have Aspergers and thinks all of my symptoms were the result of a traumatic upbringing, but at least in the rest of the report he testifies to all of the symptoms I'm reporting myself, i.e noise sensitivity, hyposensitivity to pain, motor problems, oblivious to social conventions, facial tic, no friends, OCD and even refers to symptoms I didn't know I have, like intense need for routine and attachment to certain objects. He also wrote:

"When I hear talk, it is often as though she is trying to sound like a girly girl, as though she has heard others talk that way and is trying to copy them. I have always felt her words are forced and insincere when she speaks this way. Not that she cannot speak about men in a sincere way, because she can, but she does often speak to my sisters as though she is trying to be ‘one of the girls’. This kind of contrived speech extends beyond discussing men. Whenever Harriet talks about subjects that lie within the sphere of ‘girl talk’ I notice an affected speech pattern that sounds manufactured. Harriet is a remarkably intelligent person and I detect that she changes her speech to try and fit in, something we all may do, but this is to the extreme".

I don't know why I'm writing any of this. I just wish I knew already what the outcome of the evaluation will be, and now I've seen my dad's report I don't know what to think or do

Why do you want the evaluation? What will it change for you? Do you care which box the evaluator decides you best fit in? If so, why? Just what do you want from the evaluation? Is there some way you can fail to get what you want from it?

What would "failing" at this game look like to you?

Because it is a game, or an art: categorization of someone's neurodiversity will vary among professionals. My younger child was called "schizophrenic" and in need of hospitalization by the school psychiatrist, who simply wasn't smart enough to get an eight-year-old to play his games. When I pointed out there was a difference between imagination and hallucination, the second shrink diagnosed ADHD.
After my kid graduated summa cum laude from Beloit College and won a full ride to Botany grad school at University of Wisconsin, turned out her worst issues came from being trans and being unable to express that to us.

Recently, I began to suspect my own differences fell at least partly within the "Asperger's" box. I was nervous before my formal evaluation, but only because I wanted someone to validate my self-analysis. I was suddenly worried that not only was I bad at understanding others, but maybe I was bad at self-analysis too. And I always prided myself on accurate self-analysis. So my self image was in issue if my evaluator declared me neurotypical.

But that was just vanity at risk. What is at risk for you?

Remember those reports are opinions.

My husband's mother wrote he had no issues at home, and was the perfect baby and child.

BWAHAHAHA *cough* (insert hysterical laughter here)

3 years later she herself was diagnosed on the spectum.

Anyway...the psychologist said seeing my husband walk through the door and the first 5 minutes of conversation screamed Aspergers and the testing was a formality.

So calm down. If this person is decent, they will see through the family BS.

I just woke up and rememered its evaluation day and felt terrible... and then I read both your replies. Thank you for sharing your experiences, advice and reassurance. It means so much... You've made me feel stronger.

Here goes!

Hi again everybody,

Thank you so much again for each of your replies, it really means so much and I appreciate you taking the time to help.

I was diagnosed with Aspergers yesterday. The testing was not at all what I was expecting, thankfully. I thought I would have to go in and 'prove' myself, like with my doctor, who within 5 minutes just said 'we all have quirky traits' and 'you obviously don't have autism'. Git! lol.

Anyway, as soon as I walked in the psychologist at my city's autism centre presented me with a bunch of tests/activities whilst filling out an ADOS testing form. She pretty much just observed me throughout all the tests and then only at the end began to ask me questions, but I think she'd already decided during the tests, because I was absorbing/reporting a huge amount of visual information and had a brilliant memory but totally failed to grasp the social element/relationship element in another activity. She actually told me BEFORE reading the family reports that she needed 2 weeks to officially score the test and write the report, but she was convinced I had Aspergers. THEN she went through the family reports, which she suggested just kind of confirmed everything. I'd asked my brother to fill out the ASSQ test and she said she needed the score of that to officially do the report, and there was also a 'wellbeing' questionnaire she would've filled out, but I gave her a 12 page chronological account of my life/symptoms/feelings and she said that could substitute the report.

Finally she called my poor boyfriend in, who had waited 3 hours bless him, in order to tell him that officially she needed to score everything but she had no doubt it was Aspergers. He then told her a few things about me missing his sarcastic jokes and coming across as rude in social situations and the psychologist was just like, yeah yeah, it all fits lol.

I did learn some things about myself - I thought my heightened senses were sound and smell but she said my visual processing was also really really high. She also clarified a doubt I had about Aspergers, namely that people with this can't pick up on emotions. She said she had noted I reported different peoples expressions and emotions, but the problem is not understanding the why of emotions, or of picking up on too many people's all at once in group situations. She said she would expect me to just be on overload all the time, which feels really true.

I think the most interesting thing about the appointment was that from just a brief description of my dad, the psychologist actually asked me if I think my dad is on the spectrum, which is funny because actually his girlfriend believes that she is. In hindsight, I think they both are! The psychologist also asked if I have noticed any traits in my boyfriend, which is also funny because part of the reason he never believed I could have it, is because he himself shares a lot of my characteristics, although not all of them and definitely not to the same (debilitating) degree.
This has been really valuable for me because all of my life I had a terrible relationship with my dad, and so have my brothers and sisters (they're also not a big fan of me). Finally I feel like some things about my dad could make sense.

This whole experience has been such a massive eye-opener, and I think it will transform my self-image away from thinking I'm a massive failure/freak, to just being different. That's amazing in itself, but I'm also starting to look differently at my dad and hyperactive sister, and feel more compassion and understanding from them. It's really helped my relationship with my boyfriend too, I just understand and respect his needs better. I'm so tired of people hating and judging each other. I wish we could live in a world where we just respected difference and uniqueness.

I know I will have a lot of processing to do over the next months. Unfortunately, the closest people to me (except my boyfriend) have not reacted. My dad just said 'right, right, right, okay', and my brother has not answered my call or replied to my message telling him the result. A close friend, a psychiatrist who had offered to write a report, has also not replied since yesterday. I don't understand their reactions. I felt my dad was angry but I don't know why. My boyfriend also said he's scared and sad and angry, I also don't really understand his reaction. I'm ok, think I'm still getting used to the idea maybe, although sometimes I start crying randomly.

Anyway, thank you again everybody for your help. It was maybe 5 years between me first 'identifying' with a couple of Aspergers traits and getting a diagnosis, and 1 year of me seriously thinking I had it before I went for the diagnosis. Almost nobody in my life believed me. I often came on here for a rant and to clarify doubts and every time, somebody reassured and encouraged me. If it wasn't for you guys, maybe I never would've had the courage to get tested. Thank you! Have a great Sunday