When two Aspies Talk

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Sometimes I feel like I even don't fit in with other aspies. Because there is this giant miscommunication on my intent sometimes. We're both in this very confused confusion of a mess of a conversation and it can be frustrating.

Anyone else get this from time to time?

I don't really fit in with other Aspies. Most of the time they have very different interests from me, and seem so much more cool and unemotional than me. So with other Aspies, I have to work just as hard at socialization as I do with NTs.

Oh yes. In the past I found other aspies so difficult to be around that for years I avoided them. I still have a tendency to do that, but I'm trying to be a little more open-minded.

I think the big thing was that NTs will talk to me when a lot of other aspies seem to talk at me. The ones I've met who don't do that can be pretty pleasant but I haven't found many. In general though, I still tend to prefer the company of the former. It'd be nice to find more fellow aspies that I get along with in person though... on the rare occasions that happens it's very refreshing.

I have not had any negative experience with talking to fellow Aspies, really. The main thing I noticed was that the subjects seemed to get very heavy (deep conversations) more so than with NT people. I think that was my main difference that I noticed between talking to NT and Aspie folks is that the NT folks like to do a lot more chit-chat and small-talk than Aspies (which is fine by me because I hate smalltalk and chit-chat).

Maybe. I find a lot of conversations with Aspies tend to become tedious monologues that don't help anyone. But you're on to something there. What I like about talking with NTs is that you can achieve depth and breadth, or move fluidly between them. Those are often the most rewarding of conversations for me and I haven't had much success having them with other aspies.

I was talking about those frustrating moments where you try to convey a message and your failure to communicate further continues to fail. Even around those who should get it.

I've had the opposite experience. Most conversations I've had with fellow Aspies tended to bounce from random subject to random subject (mostly special interests) with people interrupting or talking over each other so much that it was hard to understand what people were saying. It might have been the number of people involved. I've been doing get-togethers through Meet-up and ASAN, so the groups were about 5-10 people. I can't understand what people are saying when two people talk at once, so it was fairly frustrating.

I would have preferred the "deep subject" talk, whatever the subject. I love a good philosophical discourse or even political debate, scientific speculation, art, movies, all sorts of things. Small talk is boring. I don't care what color you painted your house, what team you root for, or where you went shopping, and if you watch reality TV, I'm outta here. Organizing my sock drawer is more interesting.

You mean that's not just the whole conversation for you?

In all seriousness, I understand completely. It's even more annoying when you realize there really isn't much you could do to actually get through. This is what I mean when I talk about monologues. A lot of aspie conversations I've had very quickly degenerate into this, where one or more people just start going off. The only other aspie I know in person right now or in the past few years who I can stand is one who I can literally tell to "shut up". He is allowed to do the same to me. It solves a lot of problems when we allow each other the ability to abruptly change the direction or topic of conversation but few if any others I've met are willing to do so.



Yeah, this. The last time I went to one of those things it took me ten years to work up the nerves not to look for the nearest exit as soon as I encountered another aspie. I'd rather be in a room talking to a dozen NTs than three other aspies. I actually found the experience a bit traumatic.



Both can be good, though. Small talk is all trivial; even many (if not most, there's no way to know) NTs think it's a bunch of boring crap if you can get them to actually say what they think about it. But you get into these conversations sometimes where you're not trying to get deep, but things can just naturally flow there. Those are a lot of fun. They're about the journey, not the destination. These conversations are sadly very difficult to have with autistic people. I wish I was better at them; I am improving, though.

My best friend is an aspie, so I think we get along just fine.

Maybe it's because we're both relatively high-functioning and follow typical N.T. methods of conversation, though I have noticed some differences.

Like another user said, my best friend and I are capable of deep conversation far more often and easily. I'm not sure if it's normal for teenagers but we can talk for hours and hours online, as in from 8.30 to 1.30 in the morning. Our topics of conversation usually can be small talk/chit-chat but at least 25% of the time we'll talk about something more unique or deep.

Another differnece is occasionally for both of us a conversation may be one sided, usually when the other person talks about their special interest, but it can just be something we're passionate about saying.

This is not to say we aren't interested or bored by the other person, moreso I think we're letting them talk and just being a good listener.

So, online or real life, when it comes to the point where one of us is saying a lot, the other will just have short replies and a few questions returned to show we're still paying attention.

I dont think this happens with NTs as much as they seem to prefer a more 'balanced' conversation much more often.

We're both far more comfortable with completely random subject jumps if we actually want to talk about it. I feel with N.Ts you've got to gradually and subtly direct it in the way you want it to go.

So yeah, my best friend and I our conversations aren't some clumsy, cluttered mess - it still has that 'flow' to it, just in a different way.

Also, he's more tolerant and deals with my large messages. I type long, verbose and expresses in online messaging and hate textspeak. He's probably the only person I don't have to condense my writing and I can say as much as I want freely and liberally.

He doesn't mind at all and is in fact a very fast reader, being able to read this entire post in about 1 minute or so.

Last edited by Outrider on 27 Jan 2016, 7:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

"O that 'twere possible" to have a "very confused confusion of a mess of a conversation[.]"

My only contact with other autistic individuals is my involvement online and at WrongPlanet.net. The monthly book club at my diagnostic clinic is, to a person, a group of 20-somethings who say "hi" and spend the remaining two hours talking amongst themselves. At 54 years of age, I am clearly the old man in the corner. My diagnostician usually attends, and says more than "hi" to me. But, she is also a moderator, so she remains busy. I have avoided attending the book club for the last three months because I get more accomplished by myself.

OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE, THE CAPTCHA IS DRIVING ME AWAY FROM THIS SITE!! !

I have 3 friends on the spectrum. One with aspergers, one with PDD-NOS, and one with Classic Autism.

The one with aspergers is easier to talk to,i get along with him very well, we have the same interest in Five Nights At Freddys so we talk about that.

The one with PDD-NOS is a f*****g nightmare, dont get me wrong, i love him but its a rare chance we get to talk about anything he isn't interested in, which i understand, its probably what Nts feel when they talk to me, he just talks about JoJos Bizarre Adventure, Donald Trump, and his own fantasy worl, he tends to be quite rude and invasive of my space but when he talks about something i too am interested in, i get along with him okay.

And my friend with classic autism, her speech is limited and very hard to understand so conversations are few.

in short, i get along better with people at my own level and with similar interests, id talk to all 3 of em over NTs any day.

Right now I have two in-person friends with autism and I have trouble connecting with them. For some reason I feel a reluctance to tell them personal things about myself, as if I think they won't understand or be interested. There's just some sort of block there. They don't really talk about "deep" things with me, so we stay silent or have "shallow" conversations.

With online friends with ASD, I have had the problem in the past where they tell me all about their special interests and don't ask me anything about myself, and I am forced to pretend I am more interested than I actually am. Not many Aspies share my interests. And yes, misunderstandings happen a lot.

I've found that when NTs go into small talk, they tend to pick subjects that I have no experience in or otherwise can't contribute to the conversation. I used to eat lunch with several ladies at work to try and be more social. The topics of conversation always were:
1. kids or grandkids
2. shopping
3. decorating their houses
4. reality TV
5. sports

1. I have no children
2. I have no money for shopping
3. I live in an apartment, and have no money to decorate it
4. reality TV is the electronic version of a lobotomy with a rusty spoon
5. All sporting events look the same to me, and the rules are too dull to remember

It kept putting me in mind of the line from "Soul of the Sea": They talk hen to hen, they talk about their men...
Vapid, empty, pointless, stupid.

The trouble is, if I try to engage people in deeper conversation, they sometimes act as though I'm weird or have violated a social convention. One boss said I reminded her of Wednesday Addams.

Maybe someday you will grow up to be Morticia!

I always feel that even though there's a stronger likelihood of getting along with a fellow Aspie than with a NT if you take a large enough sample of them- it doesn't mean that you'll necessarily mesh with the Aspies that you meet in your locality. If your interests and behaviors are dissimilar- chances are you won't get along and will tire of them quickly. I study physics in a university with a large number of computer science majors- there's your Aspie pool over there- and I can get along with them well enough even when they go with deep discussions over memory sorting algorithms or the like because our interests click.

I will say that Aspies overall feel easier to get along with even With the ones I feel that I have little in common with. I'm typically way more hypersensitive than the average NT and I feel a sort of instinctual sensation of ease and lack of vigilance with Aspies over NTs. With NTs, it feels as if I'm being constantly watched over and their presence itself exerts some sort of mental pressure over me (It feels as if the air has suddenly got thicker) even if I don't have them in my immediate field of vision- it just feels as if the room got a lot mor crowded all of a sudden.

With my pet dog, fellow Aspies and children- that sensation doesn't come up and my hypothesis is because it feels that both sides are more honest and simple in their communication. When a pet or child wants to have a friendly interaction with you- there's no protocol or elaborate system of subtleties and milestones to pass. Even though it might be paranoid of me to say it- I feel that NTs exert a naturally predatory presence, I can't explain it logically and for me it just seems to be an instinctual understanding of why I feel more comfortable around Aspies, animals, kids, etc. even If I can't get along well with them or foster deeper relations.

That's how it is for me, too. For extra fun, I don't have special interests of my own for now. So it pretty much becomes me nodding my head and pretending I didn't get extremely annoyed with the topic of conversation a few minutes ago... and then becoming even more annoyed when my attempts to change topic don't work.



See, a lot of times they don't care either. They think it's pointless and vapid too, and do it anyway... because that's how you build up to something more deep, complex and interesting. Doesn't sound like there's much chance of that there, though.

@AndrewR42: I kind of get that. There is this kind of guarded sense I sometimes get around NTs, but once I'm with people I know it quickly starts to die down. I'm working on dropping that guarded behavior and it's going ok. Kids are cool, though.

With other aspies though, I find almost all of them trying and interactions with them extremely stressful even when we share interests. The style of communication feels stilted, stifling, and one-sided. I'm not going to disagree that it feels more... honest and simple, just that those things aren't worth what's missing. The aspies I have gotten along with are the ones who adopted a more NT style of conversation. The autistic influence is still there, though. The best of both worlds.