Might I be autistic? help and opinions are appreciated

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I am aware online diagnosis isn't a possibility, I feel quite "ashamed" or "embarrassed" seeking a professional on that matter.
I love psychology, mainly clinical psychology, been into that since I was 12 years old and I am 19 now. Throughout the years I've been trying to "diagnose" myself, or simply tried to figure out what might be "wrong" with me as I have always been different in many ways. At first when I was about 15 I suspected I might have borderline personality disorder as I met some of the symptoms, mainly because it is most common with young females and I was engaging in self harm. Later on I realized I do not meet enough symptoms and I can no longer relate enough so that's probably not the case. When I was about 17 I found Schizoid PD to be most relatable.
These are the basic symptoms:
1. Emotional coldness, detachment or reduced affect. - I had a conflict, I "appear" to be emotionally cold, I do not use many facial expressions (mainly when in public or in places I do not feel comfortable in such as school). But I do feel emotions, very deeply, strong emotions. I just appear not to have them by others because I do not engage enough, I don't know how to "act" as if I have them. I am more "manly" always been tomboy-ish, I don't act manly but its like I don't act by a certain gender, its like i'm genderless lol I am very neutral I don't do anything feminine, I like things that are stereotypically more male. So it may affect the way people see me as cold.

2. Limited capacity to express either positive or negative emotions towards others. - I am very indifferent (in general and especially when in public which is noticeable as my film teacher mentioned it in relation to a topic we had)

3. Consistent preference for solitary activities. - always spent 85% of the time I was awake by the computer, watching films that are psychological related or plain study clinical psychology by my own through the net.

4. Very few, if any, close friends or relationships, and a lack of desire for such. - Had a conflict with this one as well. I never had friends, throughout my childhood, or my whole life I've had 1 best friend and that's it. I don't feel I need friends most of the time but there are times where I'd really like to have a conversation with an individual or feel related.

5. Indifference to either praise or criticism. - Yeah what's written is basically what describes me best. When complimented I try to reason why it is wrong.

6. Little interest in having sexual experiences with another person (taking age into account). - Yup

7. Taking pleasure in few, if any, activities. - Never had many interests, only gaming and psychology when was younger. Now I draw as well, so its Psychology and drawing.

8. Indifference to social norms and conventions. - I have no social life, I do not take part in any social norm or anything of that sort.

9. Preoccupation with fantasy and introspection. - I "daydream" A LOT, always have. I remember being about 7 years old asking my mom if I could go to sleep early just so I can "daydream" before I sleep. I still do that, I spent most of the day daydreaming, imagining a different life. It is so vivid, almost as vivid as real life is. It takes about 3 hours for me to fall asleep every night due to that.

Now, due to the first symptom and partially other symptoms I believe I am wrong at thinking I might have a schizoid PD. As I was not sure even back then, I searched for things that are similiar to Schizoid pd, found out autism or asperger's sydnrome is the most similiar but I thought "No way, me? autistic? I am so normal!" so I kind of ignored it and also never had strong interest in autism as it is neurological and I am more into psychology.

4 months ago I got curious why I am different again, not just socially, why I do certain things, why do things irritate me and bother me so much more than others.
My brother moved into my room, with his computer and everything. His mouse clicks, him scratching his hair/beard, him breathing, chewing, every little sound he'd make was a killer!!
Now, small sounds and stronger sounds were always bad, when we were little my brother would scream as a joke just to make fun of my over sensitive reaction. We had never ending arguments and fights even physical ones over the TV (when I was away in my room and the tv in the living room making background sounds), it always been too loud or when he'd lower the sound it was like whispers which was even worse. Him moving into my room made it very visible (how certain things bother me) so it made me question and notice things about myself even further.

I realized strong smells were always a problem as well, always had serious fights with my mother over the coffee she made, always made 6 cups which made my point valid of the strong smell while honestly, just 1 cup was extreme and made me feel sick. Smell of fruit, whenever by a fruit/vegetables shop (not sure if it has a name in english) it always smelled gross and too significant. I never ever felt comfortable when being touched physically, throughout my life as a female especially, you notice all the girls and just everyone hugging and kissing and all that and I never understood how do people feel comfortable being touched so much. Always had a problem with clothes, was always a nightmare. I could never find comfortable clothes, me and my mother going shopping for clothes was LITERALLY nightmare always ended up crying. I need everything to be at least 1 size larger or else I wont wear it, my wardrobe is very limited, I have 2 pants and 3 shirts 1 bra I feel comfortable enough going out with but only 1 shirt and pants I feel comfortable and used to wearing at home which is a serious problem I am aware (I won't talk about underwear as it may be too personal but that's a problem). Supermarkets, crowded places are HELL. People touch me (because people think it is fine and normal to touch strangers bodies) I over react > people notice me and give too much attention > i feel horrible. I won't eat foods like jelly or jam because they are liquid foods, I won't eat pink foods, never anything that's like fruit related mostly cherry strawberry and apple, I know the taste of them and they taste well but they are just horrible gross in a way I tasted them once but never will again despite they were normal. I think it's the smell of the fruit related things and texture for the liquid things but I am not sure.

There's only 1 fork I eat with, if I don't find this fork that means I wont be eating. I won't sit in the living room unless I sit in my spot i've been sitting in for years lol.
I used to think I had ocd once but I don't meet enough symptoms. I have a place for everything and if something won't be in it's place then I won't feel at ease.

I always hated school, never felt comfortable around the other kids and I just didn't like it in general, always missed months of school days. On the day of graduation, realizing this is all over I just went "insane", I hit myself and scratched myself so hard until I bled, my eyes were swollen of crying and felt sore, all that despite hating school.
When I get emotionally overloaded or that it is too noisy I do that often. Once I was laying on the floor crying and banging my head on the floor so hard. Once I banged my head at the door.
A month ago I moved to another apartment, my things weren't there and the place was unfamiliar and empty and was not mine, I didn't feel comfortable and I gone "mad" again, scratching my face and crying for about an hour.

I am overly attached to my personal things, my books are my life, even those I read already.
I have small scissors I play with for about 6 years, they're small ones that can't do harm or anything, I always play with them with my teeth, they're always in my mouth and I always have them with me, they make me more "calm" in a way.

It's a complicated one but I know I am not very empathetic, I don't care enough for what others feel, even my brother who is the most important person in my life. I do care for his health and mental health but when he's upset I just don't care enough to ask meaningless shallow questions like "are you ok?" idk.. I don't always know what he feels either. It is more complicated than that.
It's too complicated for me to explain as I am not sure of how it works for me but I never cared like others do. Back then I just thought everyone pretended they care for small things that happen to others because they'd over react and i'd never understand why.

I sometimes over react to things even in public like if my brother told a joke, i'd laugh unappropriately loud and people would notice me.
I always felt and acted (physically in things i'd do) younger than my age, my mother would insult me for that by saying i'm older than I actually am (for example, I was 17 and 9 months and she'd say im 18, which was offensive as I knew I was not as progressed as others my age) everyone would get jobs, act as adults in life and me, id do nothing.
It still is the same now, I don't feel safe taking buses alone and doing adult stuff alone, I just feel like im 16 while im 19.

I am stereotypically introverted haha, yeah, I definitely feel most comfortable at home. I have social anxiety, I tend to be moody, I have depression always and at certain times major depression. When around people I sometimes am selectively mute because I feel so uncomfortable. I prefer not looking at people directly because it just doesn't feel comfortable, it feels too personal. I panic sometimes, needed to go to an interview for something once and it was in the city and I got this thing where I go "mad" and I just set on a bench and cried like crazy while there were so many people around, asking me if somethings wrong.

I don't know if it has anything to do with autism but some colors are horrible for me because I automatically kinda associate them with things, I hate pink because it reminds me of gum and gum smells like hell and the sound of people chewing it is hell. Some words sound so bad to me that I NEVER say them and when others say them I tell them to shut up.
Sometimes I think or "daydream" kinda and when someones talking to me i just tell them to shut up lol.

Sometimes people tell jokes or are sarcastic about things in a joking way and I don't understand (I often feel/describe it as kind of another language to me) so I just go with it, I have no idea what to respond so I just giggle or laugh to pretend I know what the hell they mean. It isn't always often as I have no social life, I just had it in school and a job which I couldn't keep recently due to too much interaction with randoms it was not for me.

I spend most of my time on clinical psychology, I study/learn about a certain PD or a mental disorder for about 3~4 months, learn ALL about it, movies/films/books everything and then move on to the next PD/mental disorder. I also edit a list on wiki https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_f ... _disorders lol.

I enjoy having conversations online, always been obsessed with MMO RPGs I talk to people too much.
I am literally small-talk chit-chat disabled (lmao) I talk about things that are considered to be "deep" like psychology since I know a lot about it, when someone lacks information on a certain subject like a certain PD I am overly excited being able to tell them all about it. Sometimes politics, I love poetry specificly two poets I know all about. Being unable to do the small talk before having a deeper conv makes it difficult to interact better because most people don't like talking about heavier things with people they are not best friends with.

I have problems recognizing people's faces (not people who are close to me though) for example, I worked at mcdonalds for 5 months, taking peoples orders sometimes I'd even look at them directly and a later I wouldn't know who's order I took, the managers were rude about it saying I have problems with my memory like an old person.
It also happened when I was younger, a kid stole my water wings at the pool, I saw exactly how he looked I looked right at him. Later the lifeguard set a few kids together on a bench so i'll say who stole them but everyone looked the same to me same characteristics and I was unable to tell. Same happened with my last work, all the workers with the same characteristics looked the same to me (even after months of working there) they'd say hello to me and i'd feel uncomfortable as I wasn't sure who they were.

I do have a few conflicts with autism as I feel a lot despite being unable to show them. I am veryvery sensitive. But I also am sure i'm more of a thinking rather than feeling person despite feeling a lot.
I am not good at mathematics nor science (which is a stereotype I am aware) I am more of a creative person. I like writing/drawing/films, all that.
I don't insult people often, people don't like me generally because i'm indifferent which isn't cute but I know how to shut up about certain things that might offend people, I know what is appropriate MOST of the times. Not always, though, I've had about 4 occasions where what I said was inappropriate and I had no idea why people found it to be inappropriate. But most of the time I am aware of what is appropriate.

I have no idea honestly, so much of me fits autism but also a lot doesn't, I'd really like to be diagnosed as this subject interests me generally but I feel uncomfortable talking to a stranger about such personal things.
There's probably more of me that fits in autism that I just can't think of atm.
Sorry about the long text, it'd be nice hearing opinions if anyone actually reads it or most of it.
Thanks.

Yes, it sounds like you likely have it.

Well you could have it and not all of it has to fit you. You only need to fit enough to have it like the social and communication part and you do have the narrow interests and sensory issues so that is about all you need to fit the label. You didn't mention how good you are with non verbal communication or social cues and reading people which is also a requirement for the label.

That's the thing, since 4 months ago it was like I did not know myself at all, I never noticed these things, I just lived my life as they were. Like all of it is normal.
About non verbal communication, I still am not knowledgeable enough about myself, I know I am not good at that I am never sure about things that are not obvious. But you see, I can't base it off things that happened to me because I don't know well enough. Ugh that's just complicated, you know? it's funny how I care so much for clinical psychology and I enjoy analyzing yet I am clueless about myself. There's a lot more to learn I suppose.

You could very well be autistic based on your description, which sounds like me in a lot of ways (just replace "psychology" with "space") and I am diagnosed.

Be aware that nobody - or only the rarest cases only - fullfill all criteria of an autism diagnosis.
From what you have described, you likely seem to be on the spectrum. It doesn't contradict at all that you feel emotions strongly but can't express them properly. It's not that we don't feel emotions, it's really just the expressive aspect that's lacking in most. Some feel them very strongly but just can't identify them too. It's a spectrum after all, so you can expect a lot of variety in the way autism shows itself in people.

If you really wish to have a diagnosis, be aware that it is like two sides of a coin. It might give you benefits (for example support in job life, better working conditions, or more understanding from others), but it can just as well backfire (stereotypes, prejudices, others treating you "too special"). However, in the end it is up to you to decide whether you mention it or not.

I would suggest you take someone you trust, preferrably from your family, with you so they can be an aid and mention things you might forget during the diagnosis. It was actually recommended to do so in my case. It's also useful to make a list if you have troubles memorizing things when stressed. However, my diagnosis wasn't stressful at all and a rather relaxing procedure, especially with the aid of my parents. Even the tests I took all alone in a separate room were no big deal. You can "practice" with some online tests, so you get an idea of what you might expect. It was mostly "Rate these statements on a scale of Absolutely Not Fitting to Very Fitting", so it wasn't that much different at all from the good online autism tests. Furthermore, you can expect some sort of perhaps not so obvious quick IQ-test so they get an idea about your cognitive functioning. The interview where I had to tell the psychiatrist about myself was very calm as well. If you can find someone who specialized on autism spectrum disorders, I would suggest to go for that one as chances are better that they will treat you properly from the very beginning. The kind person who diagnosed me even asked right away if I was fine with a handshake when he greeted me and was very straight-forward in the way he phrased his questions. I surely cannot complain!

If you want, you can also pay a bit more attention to the nonverbal communication and social aspects in the near future until you have a better idea of it and read some posts here on Wrong Planet before you make a decision to get diagnosed. This forum offers a lot of insight to many autistic people. Personally, I would go as far as to say that it feels homey because there are many people who struggle with the same things as I do.

I hope my post was in any way useful.

Best of luck to you, whether you decide to have a diagnosis or not!

A way to tell is if it seems like other people act like they can read other peoples minds and know how they are feeling without those people saying anything. Another thing to tell is if you think someone is mad at you or annoyed and then they deny it when you call them out on it. But then again people can just lie and say they're not even though they are. Think if the past like if you were ever accused of anything like showing off or laughing at someone or if anyone kept telling you to smile or asking you what's wrong when you felt fine. Another way to tell is if you were watching a movie and another person could tell how that character is feeling and you didn't know that character felt that way. Sometimes it takes other people around you to figure this stuff out before you finally connect the dots. Then the label seems to explain your childhood and your moments and incidents and you now think 'ah ha, I thought those kids were just trying to get me into trouble and trying to get me upset and being mean to me but now I think it was my facial expression that was off so they thought I was laughing at him.' And also "ah ha, I think I might have misread situations because I can remember being picked on and I would be the one in trouble for getting upset and the other kids were off the hook, but now I think they were just teasing playfully and I took it personally because I thought they were being mean to me. No wonder I thought the adults would side with the bullies. I was the bully but it was unintentional and they didn't know about autism.'


Also my advice would be to talk to your family and about your childhood and ask about the symptoms of autism and if you displayed those or not and if they ever noticed them.

The description of all the problems in the first post - it sounds a lot of autism, perhaps in severity comparible to mine
But autism can range from mild to severe, and I guess yours could, in spite of everything, still be part of the milder forms.
So in that case perhaps you might reconsider, whether you want to go for a diagnosis and "come out" with such a diagnosis; I never did, information on internet is clear enough (for myself). And keep it to myself. Perhaps people think I'm somewhat different, but that's not such a big deal, I would rather not have any "label" on me, given possible further consequences in social or professional life. And having a worrisome mother as mine, in our relation it wouldn't help also, I guess
Question two is if there would be a benefit of a diagnosis. I guess there's no treatment for this. Perhaps try to avoid the most complicated social situations?

Your description sounds a lot like autism. I'm curious as to what you're ashamed or embarrassed by, concerning the notion of being properly diagnosed. Your profile indicates that you're from Israel; do you think it will be difficult to find someone competent enough to diagnose autism in adults? Have you spoken to your family about your suspicions?

Despite what you were taught as a child, Israel is not a 3rd world country.
There are plenty of psychiatrists and clinical psychologists, however I am concerned being misdiagnosed.
I am a young female after all, they might just throw BPD at me after 20 mins as it is the easiest thing to do.
I am ashamed of sitting in front of a stranger, talking about my private life.

Last edited by Hounds on 24 Apr 2016, 8:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

It's best to start by searching for psychiatrists with a specialisation in autism so they will look out for exactly those traits in you to make a judgement whether you have it or whether you might have something different (and redirect you to another specialist).

If it helps, try to think of it this way:
You'll only see them once or twice at best which will likely only happen if the first interview and testing didn't generate clear results and they're listening to many people per year.
They likely won't even remember you for long after you got diagnosed. They listen to the information you feed them with, they process them and analyse them, output the results and then they forget about it and are busy with the next "source of information".
I don't know how these laws work in Israel (every country is different after all), but here, any kind of doctor must keep his mouth shut (literally and metaphorically) about anything you told them unless you allow them to hand on information by signing an agreement.

Alternatively, think of the whole situation as if you were a customer who walks into a McDonalds.
First you get to wait until it's your turn to order, then you order, get what you called for - or not - and walk out. The employees who listen to your order and hand you the dish are the psychiatrist. Those employees won't remember all their customers either.
Maybe this kind of thinking could make it easier for you.

Of course I believe you that it's not easy to just tell a stranger about your life. I'm not even sure I would have been doing it that well if I didn't already have essentially practiced that by going to a psychologist for therapy before.

Sounds like Autism to be maybe some Alexithymia, But who thinks this, because Autistics tend not to let their emotions 'get in the way'. Not that they don't have them, some might even feel more emotion, often have trouble sharing them.. Or might feel them differently. Cognitive empathy/sympathy is impaired, but Internal Empathy is not. It can make it much harder to sympathize. Which Neurotypicals are obsessed with.

That's kind of what I meant. I feel a lot, too much but I am more of a thinker than a feeler as I don't act on my feelings, just feel them.

You probably are because what other kind of person would make a post that resembles the Great Wall of China?

Haha I swear, that's nothing..

Hi Hounds. I know this isn't the forum for it, but since you're the only person I've encountered from Israel in a long time, this might be my only chance to ask.

I prefer foreign language films over Hollywood's because Hollywood is all about making money and their ridiculous happy stories are fake to the point of inane so I avoid them like the plague.

All the Palestine-Israel films I've seen paint the Israelis as the bad guys and the Palestinians as simply trying to gain their social rights. The Palestinians live in squalor and fear of the Israel police while the Israelis try their best to live with this conflict even though they know that, at any time, one of their malls can go up in flames.

Are these depictions accurate or is it exaggerated for a world audience? Thanks.