When NTs say "oh I'm like that too"

Post Reply New Topic

No, you're not like me. You don't struggle with social situations the same way I do. Just because you don't like noisy or bright places, it doesn't mean you become unable to function because of sensory overload....you still act normally. Just because you're shy and introverted, it doesn't mean you have the same difficulties I have while interacting with others.
You're not like me. You don't know what it's like to see the world through my eyes.
Saying you're like me when you really aren't makes me feel invalidated. It's like you're trying to tell me to just shut up, because my experiences don't matter and that I shouldn't be listened to or taken seriously.

Does it ever happen that a neurotypical says they experience the same thing when you finish describing something you experience, but feel like it has nothing to do with what you actually experience?

Maybe they could actually identify with you. Maybe they're not actually neurotypical.

Maybe they're autistic, too, and don't know it yet.

This has happened to many people here, actually.

It depends on the context. Often they aren't trying to tell you that your problems don't matter, but they are trying to make you feel better by relating to someone.

I have encountered it in a couple different ways.

One, as Kraftie said, in those who have not realized what the similarities actually mean. Sometimes those people, like me, look good in some aspects. Me, for example, I graduated high school, achieved my LPN, have two kids, and have been married for nigh 13 years. I also failed high school except for my parents intervention, can't get/keep a job as an LPN (which took twice as long due to the health issues it caused), and the only reason we are not divorced is because my husband is sometimes worried that I will die homeless somewhere if he kicks me out. In other words, how we perceive them is not necessarily how they actually are.

The other is what I believe you are referring to, and the type of reaction that infuriates me, belittles me, and diminishes my experience. It is those who tell you "It's all in your head". Which, yes, since autism spectrum is a neurological condition it is, literally, all in your head. But that doesn't make it less REAL, or lessen its effect on your life and ability to cope with life. These are the same people (for me) that have criticized and ridiculed me for years for not being able to perform at the same level as others my age or with my intelligence. They are the same people threatened when my intelligence is documented as superior to theirs. It is the same people that accuse me of using his diagnosis as an excuse, when really it is THEM who use that as an excuse to not have to change their actions.

To the latter I say, literally, "Do yourself a favor. Educate yourself. You sound ridiculous".

Well, most if not all ASD traits are shared by the general population, so they're possibly just telling the truth. Like somebody said, it depends on the context. My ex-wife used to drive me up the wall by objecting in anger every time I tried to tell her I'd had the same kind of bad experience that she'd just told me she'd had. All I was trying to do was to communicate my empathy for her plight. I guess she was very sensitive to having her feelings invalidated, because of some previous experiences of that which unfortunately she never told me about. Of course sometimes invalidation is exactly what is intended, but I think we always need to look carefully before deciding which it is, in any particular case.

NTs who say that could be responding to a fear of difference which makes them uncomfortable. Social conformity holds an extremely high value in the NT conception of things, so if they feel threatened they may react by trying to minimise the difference in conversation (or think they are just being polite and inclusive). Whether what they think matches what they say we can't know, though the habit of saying what the speaker things a listener wants to hear seems much more of an NT characteristic than an ASD one. Conversely, we may err on the side of too much honesty, though at least it is honestly our perception (generally).

Most NTs would probably not even understand why a comment of Oh I Am Like That Too might feel discounting and annoying to someone on the spectrum, but it would depend on the context and subject of the conversation too.

I have met other Autistic people, not many but a handful in real life. I have conversed at length with almost all of the other Autistic people I have met. I also know many NTs and I know they are NTs. I have had NT's say those comments to me and I know that the people saying them to me were NTs. I have also had other Autistic people relate to the struggles that I have and we have talked about them in detail. I have noticed that there is a HUGE difference when I meet another Autistic person and we talk about these things than when I meet an NT and the NT says, "I feel that way too." The conversation is very different between the two different types of people. It always is. The entire vibe of the conversation is different and it is obvious from the very first moment. In my experience, when it has been me sharing with another Autistic, we immediately develop a bond like a camaraderie because we are talking about the same thing. There is an automatic respect and sharing of each other's struggle. There is never a feel of invalidation or minimizing or trivializing or one upping. These conversations are full of empathy and mutual understanding and respect.

When an NT tells me that he or she experiences what I experience, it is a very different feel. It feels very infuriating, so much so that sometimes it causes me to meltdown. It almost immediately becomes extremely obvious that the person has absolutely no clue whatsoever of the severity and frequency in which I feel what I feel and how it affects my body and my brain. But they tend to insist that they understand and actually it often feels like they are trying to convince me that I don't feel or respond to situations like I actually do but that I should feel and respond to them like they do. And whatever their intentions are in saying it, whether they are trying to make me feel better or not, it does not make me feel better at all. It just makes me furious and makes me want to slap them. Of course, I have to coddle them because I know they mean well but I usually end up giving them a lecture about the reality of the situation. I have received more than one apology after explaining to them how our responses to things are not anywhere close to being the same at all. If I experienced things the same way they do, I would not be Autistic. That's kind of the whole point of the diagnosis.

When NTs say that to me, I rejoice that I'm not the only one who has such issues.

Hello again Skibum! I certainly know what you mean bout the "different feel" and your first paragraph explained it particularly well. It's a sense of engagement, rather than estrangement, a sense of talking with rather than talking past each other for me too.

It depends on who is saying it. I have a friend who is probably not autistic but is not really neurotipical either, he has a few disorders and he is overall a very strange person. When I was talking about a recent sensory overload to him he said he kind of knows what it's like because high pitched sounds are physically very painful to him due to an ear injury. His social skills are also about as bad as mine.

There is also my 13 year old brother who has had sensory overloads, doesn't have great social skills, is very obsessive, but is not impaired enough to qualify for a diagnosis although he acts very strange. He is technically NT but he can relate with a lot of what I go through.

Also, as Kraftie said, they may be autistic and have just not yet been diagnosed or it's also possible that they are diagnosed and just haven't told you.

My point is that just because someone doesn't have an autism diagnosis doesn't mean that they can't be "like that too" at least to some degree. Even a small degree of understanding is still understanding, which definitely contributes to how I get along with my brother and that friend so well.

They may not be autistic but that doesn't mean they don't have struggles too in things you list. It might not be to the same degree as you but it can affect them differently that it impacts them. Plus there are similar conditions to autism so I am sure people with it can also relate.

This happens to me a lot and as it's been said before, it's a totally different vibe if someone is actually genuinely relating to you or if it's just an NT trying to reassure or dismiss you. On the whole I find it annoying but it depends on the context. Usually people will say they relate but their actions prove otherwise. I realise NTs do seem to say a lot of stuff for the sake of it and don't really mean a lot of what they say.

Not long ago I went to this meeting and there was a broken alarm system in the hallway with a continuous high pitched beeping noise. It made me feel sick, hurt my ears and I had to leave after a few minutes. Apparently it's an ongoing issue in the building. I explained why I was leaving and the woman who ran the meeting (and organised the room) seemed surprised I was leaving. She then said "I know, I have really sensitive hearing too". Clearly she didn't, because she continued to hire that room and could sit there just fine holding a meeting. I don't know what that comment was about, it felt like a real insult at the time but maybe it was just an automatic NT response to minimise the differences/reassure you that you're not weird or whatever, even though what she was saying was ridiculous.

It's also similar to the whole "well everyone's on the spectrum somewhere" topic of conversation. I wouldn't mind that discussion if people also realised that some people are much more affected and have difficulty with issues that others don't. That there's a real difference between someone diagnosed (self or otherwise) and someone with some traits. Otherwise that conversation does feel very dismissive.