Advice for making people feel welcome and hospitality?

Post Reply New Topic

I think a strong part of my ASD affects me with people socially of course, but also making them feel welcome in a home or certain place. I've only just noticed recently its often obligatory to offer someone tea, coffee or whatever if they come to where you live, such as a room mate or a contractor. But I don't think of these things - I am more likely anxious about the situation at hand and I forget these written social rules.
I am usually submissive when I want to socialise and prefer someone else to take the lead. I get anxious the thought of inviting people over to a certain situation and providing for them.
If I had my own place in the future I could see myself not inviting many people around. It just seems like organising social situations or being a host to some people (even family) could be very difficult for someone with ASD. And thats not forgetting cooking for them and socialising at the same time, and tidying up and other home management. As an individual with ASD I am so focused on my thoughts and my worries this affects me relating to other people I forget to be mindful. I always sucked at group situations at school and organising things and can't see myself working a job with many people involved.

I was just wondering if anyone can relate or if there's other "rules" people have identified when it comes to giving hospitality to others. For example do you have to offer someone a drink each time they come in the door such as a room mate?
I am especially concerned about when dating comes into this. Because if I do the wrong thing they might get turned off about me not doing certain rules I'm aware about when giving hospitality.

Thanks!

Oh my god I relate to this. I thought I was the only one who has ever just completely forgotten to offer a guest anything. Seriously, for a lot of my life this stuff completely went over my head, until I finally realized I was neglecting to do it. I have felt deeply embarrassed in retrospect, about this exact thing.

I mean, it's not a law or anything, and I'm sure lots of people have a buddy over and don't really offer them anything, for example I can't imagine two teenage boys making tea for each other and offering plates of cookies like a couple of old ladies, lol. But most of the time in most cases yes, it's kind of the hospitable, polite thing to do, to offer a guest in your home something to drink and maybe something to eat depending on the situation.

You can say to them "Would you like some tea/coffee, a cold drink?" You can list what you have to offer.

I think the usual practice is to say this very soon after they've arrived.

You can also have out on a coffee table some cookies or other little snacks, and offer the plate toward them after you've brought them their beverage.

In the case of roommates you live with, you don't have to do this every time they come in the door, no. You are not really guests of each other as you live together, and it's okay to just say "Hi" if you're roommate walks in. You have to figure out an agreement about actual meals and food management between you, but I don't think a roommate expects a greeting of a beverage when they come home, they will probably get one for themselves.

But actual visitors who don't live with you, and contractors and such, yes, it's polite and friendly to ask if they'd like refreshments, a coffee, or whatever there is.

I've spent my whole life forgetting this stuff completely, nearly every time (I did used to make popcorn for a movie night with a friend) and I'm really embarrassed. I don't even know why I haven't done it -- I think you're onto something when you say it's just the feeling anxious about the visit in the first place. I tend to feel so distracted by a visit at all that everything tends to go out of my head. It's only relatively recently in life that I've formed the conscious thought: "Wait, I need to do that stuff..." I don't think about those things either and I've only in the past few years actively started to.

Cook some pasta with Ragu spaghetti sauce. You can never go wrong with that.

That reminds me of one of my most embarrassing food prep moments for a guest....one time, all in a tizzy and stressing-out, I forgot to heat the Ragu.