How do I explain autism to an autistic friend?

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I'm seen as quite high functioning or whatever to call it. Friend is I guess in the middle somewhere. There are a lot of things I take for granted in my life and in my thinking that she cannot grasp. I have to be creative and find a way to explain autism to her in a way she can process.

"Everyone" thinks she is autistic (but her parents), but she has lived her whole life in the NT world, not with big success I should add. I have a diagnosis of Asperger's, she has no diagnosis at all.

Last time I tried to explain reciprocity, one of her big problem areas. She doesn't understand how conversations usually work and she doesn't understand how one probably should pay back favors. But since she cannot do it, it is too much to expect she knows what it is... she doesn't understand that there are "rules" to the social "game". I try to explain as well as I can, but she can't grasp it. I of course take blame because I should be able to explain better! But the more I think the more blank my mind goes...

I try to explain there are different components to autism, but when I tell her one, she thinks that is what autism is, and when I tell her about another she gets confused and thinks that I already told her what it is and now I changed my mind and tell her it is something else. For her it "can" only be one thing. I thought a mutual aspie friend who is "textbook" would be a good example so I said autism is like he is. So for several months she thought autism meant shy. Sigh... Bad bad me!

Despite many people around her, I am her "key" to understanding the world. I find that quite scary to be honest. Most of the people she knows don't understand how she thinks and they just judge by what they see on the outside, so they think she is childish, moody, defiant, lazy... and all those. I can partially understand her, I can't relate to her lack of putting 1 and 1 together, but I have enough similar issues that I can see something is going on that is so not just being a brat.

Any site links or Youtube links or anything that explains autism in a way that might not be a traditional approach are appreciated.

You might wonder why I am so hellbent on her understanding autism, but I want her to really get that she is not a bad person, also maybe prepare for tools to handle reality. Also maybe finally find some sort of help and support, but that includes she agrees on getting tested.

If you think I go around this the wrong way altogether, you can tell me.

Sounds like quite a task. Like Sysaphus.

Which is harder? Explaining what autism is to an NT? Or what autism is to an autistic?

Which is harder? Explaining what water is to a Moon creature who never encouters water? Or to a fish who is never away from water? Your friend is the later.

The approach I would use is not to explain "what autism is", but to explain to her what being neurotypical is.

Explain to her that "most folks in the world have these unwritten rules about social interaction" and that "your autism inhibits your picking up on these unwritten rules. And right now I will give a lesson on just one (or a few) of these unwritten rules."

Good point right there!

Wow. Naturalplastic hit the nail on the head.

Also, some higher spectrum people cannot take the psychological impact of being told that they are on the spectrum, even if they already suspect it themselves.

I'm not going to tell you not to continue these conversations with your friend, however. I want to know if you find a way that works.

Have you tried showing your friend developmentally disabled people (on youtube I guess) who are NOT autistic, as a contrast? Then showing her autistic people?

I wonder if denial is a part. She talks about going to higher education and that simply cannot happen. Many autistic people are talented in learning, she is not (probably also have a learning disability). She blames her parents for raising her to become this.

But not just denial. When she accepted how we are born matters (I don't know if that will stick), she thought it didn't matter how we grow up. I said both matters, they both have an impact on who we become. She got angry and said "Which one IS IT?" "Both." "No. It has to be just one!" "You are born with autism but how you grow up can affect how you cope." "I don't understand."

When I say I have AS, she says I am normal. I remind her that she just said I'm very unusual. She claims I chose that. I try to use myself as a reference point, because she respects me and she sees I don't break down and cry because I have AS, but she cannot carry that onto herself. Because I according to her am normal and then I can afford to have AS without that impacting my self esteem, she says she is not normal so she has to become normal or she is a bad person.

At that point my head really starts spinning.