an unsolvable riddle

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Socially speaking a big part of my problem is not knowing the mechanics of interacting over long periods of time. I've learned how to get along fine in conversation and interacting at any given moment, but if it's a matter of trying to build some kind of relationship, I have no way to predict, guess or figure out how to behave in order to keep connections going.

This is a situation that happened to me some years ago which I've been puzzling over a bit today. Goes like this: I was going to see a movie with a co-worker and her sister. They arrived at the theater before me and bought their tickets; by the time I arrived the movie was sold out. The two of them seemed to have no real clue what to do, and I figured, "Eh, I wasn't that excited to see this movie anyway," and told them to go ahead and see it, and I would leave.

So I left.

At the time, I was getting signals off of them, of the "They are somewhat uncomfortable and dumbfounded by what I'm doing and it's probably socially weird" variety, but since they weren't coming up with any better suggestions, it seemed the best solution.

So looking at it now, I wonder if I did the wrong thing or not. Honestly I can't say if I'd do the same thing now given the same situation. But it seems that there is no "right" answer, so I ask: anyone know what the best response is in such a situation? Did I make the right choice? Was it wrong? I'm squarely in the middle here. I have no clue.

what else could you have done? seems like the best course of action. your friends will feel awkward seeing you leave of course.

I think you're probably right. Turning this over in my mind, I can't come up with a better solution that wouldn't be a big pain for everybody--like trying to return the tickets or something.

I would do the same thing.

I can think of some reasons that would have avoided the situation but, alas, what can you do? Did you look disappointed or anything? If your face was stone-cold, it might have made it even more uncomfortable to them.

And btw, do you have social anxiety? It seems like it, especially since you are mulling over something that happened many years ago.

I think it is the fault of the people who bought their tickets before you got there, why didn't they buy you a ticket as well? Or have I missunderstood? I always buy my tickets online to avoid queues which I hate. I think you are looking too deeply into the situation, but then I do that a lot as well. Be satisfied you did the right thing.

If it was a big cinema and there was another picture on a different screen at the same time I would have gone to see that and then met up with them after. You can`t socialise in the film anyway.

Do you consider all this about yourself a riddle?

Nope! Just the situation itself. It's interesting as an intellectual puzzle.

That's an excellent idea! Thanks, I'll remember that for future reference.

I tried to look upbeat, like it didn't bother me...I guess I was a little disappointed but I wanted to set their minds at ease by seeming cheerful....

I don't know why it popped into my head all of a sudden. I suppose I'm thinking about past situations because I'll be going back to the U.S. in a few months, and not having a social network has always been the norm for me. Part of me wants to see if, since I'll be more or less starting all over, it might be possible to do the previously impossible, and build some kind of network. But to do that, a lot of these old problems could help me if I could just solve them once and for all. Not knowing how to maintain connections and relationships is a big part of that.

I guess I do experience fear and anxiety about it, though I don't know if that qualifies as "social anxiety". It's more a terror of rejection, based on a lot of baaaad past experiences. Bleh. :p People. *shudders*

You must be imagining things then.

What are these "things" of which you speak? No understandy!

You can get out of something like that gracefully, without having to say you didn't really want to see the movie - though with the situation being unexpected as it was, well, we do the best we can at the time & I think you did fine. But as has been mentioned, these days the way to do it is really to get your tickets in advance & avoid a potential problem.

Everything you mentioned before I'm talking about.

Really tough situation.

I think you were right to try and pick up signals from them, but maybe you also needed to pick up their emotional position; maybe they wanted a chance to say 'let's forget the movie and all go for a drink together' before you gave your opinion, or a chance to say' can we meet up later'.

However I suspect what really happened here is a classic case of AS tendecny people trying to imagine there is more going on than there actually was. So often AS folk are suspecting all sorts of subtelties and intrigues, that just aren't there. I suspect your friends were just genuinely dumbfounded and at a loss in a tough situation. - I mention this AS tendency on my site (see below).

What I think might have been better was instead of saying 'I... (don't want to see the movie..)' saying '(You guys really want to see it I know, so go on, enjoy! we'll meet up soon and I'm going to want to hear all about it!' - i.e. to have helped them out of their emotional jam by giving them 'permission' etc to go enjoy the film without you. The case study on my site is a little similar.

We can get there! - if we just junk the huge great systemising engine in our heads that keeps asking 'What on earth do I do now?' all the time, and instead allow ourselves to feel a bit what is going on.

All best
JC