Still don't feel comfortable touching brother

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I have posted about my relationship with my mildly autistic brother before and thankfully, I am now in a better state of mind compared to the time when I wrote that post. Now I want to talk specifically about how I am not comfortable about accidentally touching him.

When I was 14-15 and my brother 10-11, I was being bullied in school. (Not related to my brother, but it's part of my backstory.) For Harry Potter readers, it was like being bullied by Draco Malfoy and his friends, with his father on the school board and Snape as the headmaster and the teachers trying to help me in whatever ways they could without offending Snape or Malfoy senior. Not Potter canon, I know, but this is the best way I can think of explaining my situation

So after a day of being bullied at school, I wanted to be left alone. And then my brother would follow me around wanting to play and I would yell in a frustrated way, "Go away!" This got worse when SARS broke out (this was in 2003) and everyone had to stay home from school.

Some time after reading a YA book about a girl being raped in a closet, I had a dream about my brother doing something like that to me, in the way things that you read and worry about in the day get mixed up in dreams. Then it occurred to me that my sibling is a boy and not a girl with that potential (not to say all brothers do that to their sisters, but I hope you take my meaning). I began feel uncomfortable about certain things, like if he is sitting in the car right next to me and then accidentally leaning on my thigh when the car turns. (You are generally not allowed to touch other people's thighs, right?) He also used to have this habit of putting his palms flat on the bench next to him when he sits, so the person next to him has to avoid sitting on his fingers. I also didn't want him to think that if he can touch his sister in certain ways, that it would be OK with other girls.

(On hindsight, I would have benefited from speaking to an external counsellor at that time. The school counsellor who is also a teacher is a nice lady, but given the Malfoy situation, this might have complicated things for me. Also, if the school counsellor is good friends with the authorities, it could make things worse. In any case, I have no way of going back in time to do that.)

And then other things happened that I described previously, like when he was in high school and Googling pictures of young girls in bikinis because it was the trend. Also when I was trying on a blouse with shorts on, he was staring at my exposed legs. I know now that what I had an issue with was the objectification of females in that action. Being demand-avoiding, after he was spoken to on that he didn't really want to look at girls any more. He has also been conscious about not touching me.

Soon he will be graduating from university (a big accomplishment I know) and my parents want us to take graduation photos together (as in the two of us) with a photographer we know. I am afraid that this will involve me having to put my hand(s) on his shoulder or something like that, and I want to tell my parents I just want family shots and individual shots. Our university journeys were made almost separately and since in some ways he is like a stranger to me due to his condition, I don't have the "yay, we both have finally graduated and we want a picture of just us in our gowns together" feeling. While we know the photographer, I don't want to have to explain all this to him.

Recently I have read articles about bodily autonomy, where you shouldn't have to touch someone you don't want to, even if they are family. I tried explaining that to my mother but her response is "he is your brother!" However, my issue is mostly with accidental touches. Also, what most people here have posted about is feeling uncomfortable with strangers or people they don't know so well, or everyone. Mine is with the brother I live with and can't really get a handle of his personality, versus male friends who I know better in a sense, so it's a reverse of the other situations described.

Hoping for some kind replies to this, thanks. It's all in my head right now and I would like to hear the opinions of people who are not involved.

i think you are worrying about something you don't need to worry about. He is your little brother. It is perfectly fine and normal to be affectionate with him. Normal family affection does not cause people to become sexual perverts. If someone is going to be a sexual pervert it's not because he hugged his sister or even saw her exposed legs. And seeing your legs is not the same as seeing your exposed breasts or vagina. You don't have to worry if he saw your legs.

It is actually not healthy for you not to be able to touch your brother. Not every single touch is sexual, only sexual touches are sexual. And in a normal, healthy family, siblings are not sexually atracted to each other. That is not normal. Even if your brother likes to look at girls in bikinis, that does not mean he wants to look at you that way.

Unless he makes an actual sexual advance at you, you can pretty much bet that he just sees you as what you are, his big sister. He is not sexually attracted to you just like he is not sexually attracted to your mother. Same like you and your father. But as brother and sister you should be able to give each other hugs and show that kind of affection. That is normal and good.

Please don't refuse to take a picture with your brother.

To skibum: We don't do hugs and stuff like that. One time I was made to shake my brother's hand to wish him a Happy New Year it felt very ticklish.

Should it matter though that I asked him to go into the home bathroom with me when we were younger (pre puberty)?

I think you should go talk to a women's counselor about this. I'm not sure autism has anything to do with it. It could be that you have abnormal rules for touching and looking in your family (too much or not enough), so you and your brother are more aware of these things than most people are. Or maybe people in your family talk too freely or not freely enough?

I'm a big advocate of listening to your feelings. If you are having icky feelings about your brother, it may not be your fault or his, or even something you necessary have to "get over." Maybe you just need to understand why it's happening. A counselor can help you do this and then you can figure out if you need to take steps to change anything.

I would take the picture but tell the photographer ahead of time that YOU have a problem with touching people (that you have't disclosed to your family) and could he please be a little sensitive to that when posing you. That way you're not calling out a specific problem with your brother and you can still get through it without doing anything you don't want to do.