Please help!

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Hi everyone,

I'm really struggling here. I have been engaged to my fiance since November, and I feel like I've worked very hard to help him and help our relationship. Over time there have been SO many oddities that I couldn't understand. He has been diagnosed with PTSD, OCD and depression. While I think the OCD and depression are there, I don't believe he has PTSD. He was diagnosed with it at the VA, although he was never in combat or anywhere near danger. In fact he jokes about how simple his job was as an engineer. He did break his back on a bike, but now owns two motorcycles. He has also said to me before that he does not think he has PTSD. He did however tell me once that his psychologist (through the VA), brought up the possibility of aspergers/ASD. When I asked him what that was at the time, he brushed over it and thought it was silly because it's a form of autism. At the time I knew nothing about autism and I didn't dive into it.

Our relationship has been a roller coaster. Things seem to get better, and then they get worse. The biggest problem in our relationship is by far communication. I have trouble getting anywhere in our conversations because he can't seem to follow, especially when it comes to seeing my point of view. It feels like he cannot see beyond what's going on in his head. There have been times when I have been physically injured and he shows barely any reaction. There have been times when I've been emotionally distraught and there's been what feels like zero empathy. On the other hand, when we are doing well he can be very loving and caring. He does a lot of really nice and thoughtful things for me. I've told him the one thing I need is his stability and ability to communicate. He focuses on negatives to the extent that he starts to block out every positive aspect of life, and he does this with me. He's exploded on me countless times and during those times he says things that are extremely childish and hurtful, like it's no big deal. When I get upset in return, he says, "Just being honest" and brush it off like it's no big deal. Once his angry ordeal is over, he usually tries to apologize through text. We have agreed not to discuss our feelings over texts or emails, because he often misinterprets things that I say as angry, sarcastic and so on. He has tried to apologize to me in person, but he really struggles. He googles "feelings" definitions and finds words that fit to say in his apology. Whenever we successfully talk about things, he asks me to speak verrrrry slowly and takes a long time to express what he wants to say. I can tell he is really thinking about which words to use and how to form them into a verbal thought.

There have been SO many oddities that for a long time I overlooked as just being a part of his personality. They've started to become undeniable and more intense. I am not a psychologist, but I want to know what is going on. I would never want to "label" my fiance with something that could, to some people, sound like a negative thing. If he does have ASD, I feel it's important that we both know what we are dealing with so we can get the right help to work through the issues together. We have been to therapy, but nothing has "stuck". I feel like we might be going about therapy the wrong way and not addressing the real issues. I hurt not only because of his actions and words sometimes, but because I know he is struggling. Honestly an ASD diagnosis would be a relief for me. If it is what he has, I would no longer be thinking in terms of "he just does not give a s**t about me or our relationship". In my heart I don't think that is true, and that's why I am wanting to get this addressed. I want to help.

I haven't talked to anyone outside of our relationship about this out of respect since he has told me not to bring it up. Initially he said he would go to an ASD specialist, but now he gets very angry any time I bring it up. I feel like it's unfair to ask me to commit my life to him if I don't really know what's going on. I can't live in the dark.

Some of the things that indicate to me ASD in my fiance:

- perplexing lack of empathy
- eye contact: when we first got together, he could barely look me in the eyes when we spoke to each other. He has gotten better with this and in a lot of circumstances I feel he's making an effort to make eye contact. When he gets uncomfortable he still does not make eye contact with anyone and finds distractions anywhere else he can
- it seems like he doesn't know where to "look" in a conversation. He has a terrible time at any type of social setting, specifically at a dinner. Often times he will make it a point to sit near a window, and be firmly immersed in something going on outside, even if nothing is happening out there. Sometimes he'll say he thought he heard something (I think this is to make it seem less obvious).
- he has an obsession with external batteries. He must have about 20-30. He has them in his car and has little "stations" set up at home and at his work. He also has other obsessions that he will spend hours submerged in for weeks at a time, but those seem to come and go.
- He gets VERY frustrated when he feels interrupted. If he has been reading something for a long period of time and I ask him what he's reading about since he seems so intent on it, he explodes.
- Our conversations don't flow well because he gets angry that I "interrupt" him. Our whole conversation shuts down at that point and he loses the whole concept. Often times I wait for a long period of time after I think he's done saying something, and then when I talk he throws a tantrum and gets very stressed out. There are many ways in which he doesn't seem to understand the dynamics of conversation.
- He cannot STAND having dry hands or touching objects that are "dry". For a while he couldn't even look at cotton balls and he has to whet q-tips before he uses them. If he feels dusty he must shower immediately. He is repulsed by TONS of foods, particularly things with "weird" textures. He also checks labels to make sure some foods don't contain vinegar.
-He struggles to write freely. For example, I wanted to play Scateggories which requires a player to jot words down quickly. He avoided it and said that it takes a lot of effort for him to write eligibly.
- He often asks me whether or not a person likes him based off of interactions we've had. He recently asked me if my dad liked him. I told him if my dad didn't like him, he'd know about it. He responded that he didn't think he would know at all. He then asked me specifically what words my dad has said that make me think that I like him.
- He very often misinterprets my emotions. A lot of times he often thinks I have a "tone" when I'm just stating facts. He also doesn't understand hand gestures. Today I was explaining something and using my hands to elaborate while I was talking, and he told me to calm down. I was perfectly calm and when I told him people use their hands sometimes but it doesn't mean they're necessarily angry, he looked like he was in thought.
- He remembers "scripts" like nobody I have ever known. He recites lines from TV shows and commercials all the time. He does watch a lot of tv, and sometimes I've wondered if he is LEARNING from what he sees.
-He seems to reciprocate a lot of words and phrases that I've used or that he's heard others use.
-He feels people can't be trusted, and thinks of drastic scenarios so much that it prevents him from doing things sometimes
-He says he needs "routine", yet his life is totally unorganized. He can't just get up and do something spontaneous, even is an appealing activity and he has nothing else to do.
- He has an area on a counter that ALWAYS has to be clear. Everything else can be total chaos... as long as that space doesn't have anything on it he won't have a meltdown.
- Sometimes I feel like I am pulling teeth to have a conversation with him. At times I'll even ask if he's heard what I've said because it seems like he either hasn't, or he's just being cold. Often times he'll say something like "I heard you, I didn't know it required a response." It's hard to collaborate on topics because of things like this.
- He hates "small talk" and struggles with it at work. He says he doesn't understand the point of it, and that even though he "knows the script", he doesn't feel it's worth his time.
-He doesn't really initiate conversation or intimacy. Although he's gotten better at it, there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of curiosity about my life outside of him. If I am busy and don't respond to him right away, he takes it personally and doesn't seem to understand that I have other things going on, no matter how many times I've explained this.
- When I ask him questions about himself, he says very little and if I want to know more (because who doesn't want to know about the person they love?) he says "I'll tell you some other time". If I bring it up again I get the same reaction, anCan d sometimes anger.
- He can be far too blunt when he makes an observation (it doesn't feel like he's always intentionally trying to be mean), even though the comment is rude or offensive. If I tell him what he said wasn't appropriate, he doesn't always understand why.
- He doesn't seem interested in anything that doesn't directly involve him.

That probably seems like quite the list, and I hope the length of this hasn't detoured people from reading. I have been bottling this stuff up for a very long time. I see how much he's battling whatever is going on in his mind and it feels like he is easily mentally exhausted. I know people can get help once they can identify ASD, and if he's likely to have it, I want to know so I can change my approach and try to understand his processing so I can compensate for it. Is there anyone here that can give me their opinions on the things I've been experiencing with my fiance? Is there anyone that those "symptoms" has hit home for here? I don't know where else to turn at this point.

I would suggest you read Tony Attwood's "Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" so that you can first form a clear idea about what Asperger's Syndrome is for yourself. Then maybe come back and share what you think of the book's insights and whether they might apply to your partner.

I have probably spent 20 hours over the past few weeks reading articles online and reading posts from people who have been diagnosed with ASD. I will however look check the book out too. At the risk of sounding like a know-it-all, I do feel that I have a fairly solid understanding of ASD. I am reaching out because I feel very alone in this and it would be really nice to get insight from people first hand. I feel like an outsider.

Are there any good things about this dude?

TONS of wonderful things! When we connect I feel like he is my soul mate. We understand each other in a lot of ways that others don't and I want him to be able to be 100% comfortable with me. We have had a lot of really difficult times, but great times we have had make it worth it all to me. I am not here to say nasty things or judge and I hope it doesn't come across that way. I love him as a person and want to be able to connect and make our relationship work.

Sounds very well like he might be autistic. But I'd understand why he's get offensive at this claims. So before pushing a diagnosis, just try to improve communication in general. Even without a diagnosis there are always things which can be done to improve a relationship. Here are some things I'd like to point out:

First, it's a myth autistic people lack empathy. The lack of empathy is probably perplexing because he doesn't actually lack empathy, after all you say sometimes you connect really well and sometimes he's very considerate, there are just abnormalities in the process. While they may miss some nonverbal cues, they often pick up on other things, and what's often going on is they are concerned, but they don't know how to express that concern, and often they don't anything as either they figure they will just make things worse and it's better to pretend they didn't notice, or they get overwhelmed by emotion and shutdown, or they just aren't emoting properly. So to work with this, you need to talk with him about it and figure out what's going on, you can't take anything for granted. First figure out if he even realizes you're upset or injured, if he's aware of that much, you can then talk about what you'd want him to do in such a situation and figure out if there is something keeping him from doing that.

" When I get upset in return, he says, "Just being honest" and brush it off like it's no big deal." So here I'm assuming his does have an ASD. From his mindset, honesty is probably more important than protecting feelings. It's not that he's not concerned about your feelings, he just think that ultimately honesty is more important in relationship and other things. Afterall, honesty IS important, it's just a difference in weight between you and him. Would you rather he lie?

3. With eye contact, that's very stressful for some people on the spectrum because they have TOO MUCH empathy, and such a direct access to emotions is overwhelming. Other people on the spectrum just find it hard to concentrate on maintaining eye contact and doing all the other things it takes to do a conversation because it's very deliberate and unnatural. So, how important is it for you that he makes eye contact with you?

"Sometimes he'll say he thought he heard something (I think this is to make it seem less obvious)." Uh, no. As someone who has a degree of understanding of both the autistic and neurotically mindset (I'm kinda borderline autistic, and I've also studied psychology, plan on maybe majoring in it, at least a minor), he probably just heard something. Autistic people often have very sensitive hearing and don't really think that far into metagaming like you think he is and most neurotypicals do.

"He gets VERY frustrated when he feels interrupted. If he has been reading something for a long period of time and I ask him what he's reading about since he seems so intent on it, he explodes." Autistic people have problems with executive function neurotypicals don't have, so we find it much more stressful when we get interrupted than you do. Think of it like you are talking with someone and then someone else suddenly grabs you and dunks you in water. Unless it's an emergency, try not to interrupt him when he's focusing really hard on something. So you can remember that he was reading a book, and ask him about it later when he's not actively reading. Other the other hand, sometimes those abnormalities with executive function become a plus with a task requires intense focus.

"There are many ways in which he doesn't seem to understand the dynamics of conversation." He probably doesn't. You're going to have to talk to him about this, and either teach him the dynamics of conversation, or work out a different system that works for you two.

"I told him if my dad didn't like him, he'd know about it. He responded that he didn't think he would know at all. " He's seems to missed the implication that your dad likes him, but it's also true that even if your dad didn't like him he wouldn't pick up on it. Again, autistic people find it hard to pick up some verbal cues, and the ones regarding interest are particularly hard to pick up on.

"- He very often misinterprets my emotions. A lot of times he often thinks I have a "tone" when I'm just stating facts." While autistic people tend to be bad at reading at some emotional cues, they may be better at reading other cues than neurotically. Again, it seems like many people on the spectrum, your fiancee is extremely sensitive to sound and can pick up stuff you can't. It's known that musicians are better at reading vocal tone than non-musicians because they are more attune to precise pitches and changes in pitch. You might think you're just stating the facts, but they're actually might be a clear tone to your voice that only people who are very sensitive to sound pick up, and generally people are more emotional when "stating facts" than they think. Fact is, people aren't as aware of their own emotions as they think they are, that's why riots happen in football stadiums, high emotions and poor emotional awareness results in extreme actions. Regarding the hand motions, yeah, it sounds like he's just misreading you. My theory is that autistic people put more focus on body language while neurotypical place more emphasis on facial expression, but gestures are a learned form of non-verbal communication that neurotypicals learn more easily than autistic people. So he has some intuitive understanding of gestures made when people are angry, but not the ones you are using while talking.

"He does watch a lot of tv, and sometimes I've wondered if he is LEARNING from what he sees. " He might be, a lot of autistic people learn social scripts from tv shows and apply it in life, it's easier to observe people and learn from them on tv than in the more volatile and opaque meat world.

"He says he needs "routine", yet his life is totally unorganized. He can't just get up and do something spontaneous," Sorry, but you really can't expect an autistic person to be spontaneous. What you can do though is try to help him get organized by making plans together with him.

"He has an area on a counter that ALWAYS has to be clear. " Do you know WHY he wants it to always be clear? Could either be for some practical reason, or a symptom of OCD.

"Sometimes I feel like I am pulling teeth to have a conversation with him. At times I'll even ask if he's heard what I've said because it seems like he either hasn't, or he's just being cold. Often times he'll say something like 'I heard you, I didn't know it required a response.'" Try putting yourself is his shoes. Obviously, he isn't getting whatever cue that signified he was supposed to respond. So HOW is he supposed to know that it required a response? Don't take anything for granted.

"He doesn't really initiate conversation or intimacy. Although he's gotten better at it, there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of curiosity about my life outside of him. " Usually the problem with initiating for autistic people isn't a lack of interest, but a combination of social anxiety and a lack of understanding of when it's appropriate to initiate. When you keep telling him you're busy whenever he does try to initiate, it's no wonder he's generally reluctant to do so! That being said, it does seem a tad bit hypocritical that he doesn't seem to understand that concept as he has the same problem with you interrupting him when he is busy. In order for this relationship to work, you two somehow need to establish some system where you know when the other person is busy and not.

"When I ask him questions about himself, he says very little and if I want to know more (because who doesn't want to know about the person they love?) he says "I'll tell you some other time". If I bring it up again I get the same reaction, anCan d sometimes anger." WHAT specifically are you asking? If he's avoiding the subject and getting angry when you push, there is certainly a reason he doesn't want to talk about it. It's not just because he's autistic. Do you share the same things about yourself with him? That might get him more comfortable with opening up.

" If I tell him what he said wasn't appropriate, he doesn't always understand why." Tell him why, the more you tell him why, the less mistakes he'll make.

"He doesn't seem interested in anything that doesn't directly involve him." This is not an autistic trait, but a narcissistic trait. Most likely you are just misreading his signs of interest, and he's most comfortable engaging when it does directly involve him as then he knows it's socially acceptable to be interested in.

Needless to say the only way you're going to move forward with this is if you can get him to seek help himself. Given what you've posted I'd probably put it in writing like an email, explain (briefly) what effect this is having on your relationship, that you want him to follow up with the ASD specialist, try and explain to him that you want to be with him but this is an issue that needs to be addressed.

Getting him to wan to help himself is the only solution, and probably the only way of doing that is to drive home to him how important this is to you.

It's interesting the way you describe his not having a suitable interest in the topics the two of you are discussing. You see I think that level of interest is automatically assigned by the brain. Neurotypical people have a more immediate interest in what interests others, not so much autistic people. And this they shouldn't be blamed for.

Understanding the "dynamics" of conversations is truly an interesting topic, I'm a fascinated by it, I don't know if that's why people don't think I don't have autism because I have such a profound interest in the theater of life.

I have been married for ten plus years to an NT lady, my success in marriage I believe qualifies me to administer advice. Don't marry this guy, its not that he is autistic but rather he's defensive and doesn't want to understand the quirks of his personality.

I have made it a business to understand the quirks of my personality since I was sixteen so I'm rather unsympathetic to those who don't do the same.

Hope that was helpful.

I see a considerable amount of "signs of autism," especially the Aspergian variety.

You should really read Tony Attwood's book. He has a very compassionate, and knowledgeable, view of Asperger's Syndrome.

If you see the movie "Adam," and Adam's character resonates with you as it relates to your significant other, then I would say it's likely that he falls within the Spectrum.

Just because he has ASD--doesn't mean he can't evolve from "where he's at" at this point. He should learn to understand your viewpoint better, like you're trying to understand his.

Good luck in the pursuit of a solution.

Judging by your description, he really does sound like an Aspie to me. Why not ask him to take the AQ test? It isn't diagnostic, rather, it's designed to ascertain whether there's a high probability of Asperger's that would warrant professional evaluation. The Aspie Quiz can also be useful and has a good correlation with the AQ test. (RAADS-R is also available online and is diagnostic when administered professionally, but when self administered, it isn't as reliable.)

I've been married now for 28 years to an Aspie.

If nothing got better, but nothing got worse, would you stay or go?

NT/ASD relationship isn't worse or better than your NT/NT relationship. It's just different. It will ALWAYS be different. Your SO may have a a present from birth childhood developmental disorder. There is no therapy that will wipe all the things that piss you off away.

About "help", unless you live in the UK, there is very little "help" for adults diagnosed with ASD later in life. Things like OT/PT, help with executive functioning skills, speech pathology, all the services offered to little kids are nonexistent for Adult Joe Average. If you have deep pockets and some pull, you might find some help here or there. Don't hold your breath.

Does your SO think there is a problem? My husband didn't, because with ASD, he doesn't see the connections and social skills others do. My husband isn't being an ass, but more like asking a blind person what color the sky is.

Our daughter had more social awareness at 10, than my husband did at age 54. My daughter would learn all those social skills seemly out of thin air. How are you doing? Do you need any help? How are you feeling? Can I do a, b, c....z for you?

My husband has to actively think to do small talk. He was to work twice as hard to be "socially appropriate"...ie act like he a passing interest in others. He really really really busts his ass to connect with our daughter. Like not pull away when she hugs him (sensory issues), or stop in the middle of something when she wants to talk to him. Ask any Aspie how easy transitioning from one thing to another is, especially when you are doing a special interest.

Psychiatrist can help with the never ending anxiety, OCD and depression. They can maybe help with the sensory issues stuff. They can maybe help you negotiate what you want in this relationship so you both feel like you are getting something out of it. My husband saw no need for him to be in the emergency room with me when I was sick. What could he do? The professionals are all there. He doesn't like people around him when he was sick...so why would I want him there? That isn't lack of feeling. He isn't doing it to be hateful. He actually couldn't see the reason why that was important to me.

If it is important to you, you NEED to be blunt and spell.it.out. This is the most important thing I have learned, and assume NOTHING. My husband doesn't see this as pushy. He has no clue. It gets REALLY tiring on my end, and sometimes I wish I didn't have to do it. But he gets tired living in a NT world where a good 70% of a conversation is all unspoken, and he misses all that.

I stay with him because his pluses out weigh the minuses. Read Attwood's book, and see what you can handle. Do this and be honest with yourself. If nothing gets better or worse, can I live with it? You can't change other people, and your SO may not be able to change what you consider deal breakers.

Good luck!

I agree with most of the above. I will add this one can have both Aspergers and PTSD. Besides combat PTSD can come from bullying and abusive parents.

Thank you everyone that has responded to my post.

Ganondox - I really appreciate you breaking some of this down for me. In the empathy department, I should have included that there have been times when he's been empathetic. An example of one of the times he wasn't empathetic (in which I would think is clear indication of pain), is a time when I cut my hand open via box cutter. After I'd done so I was holding my arm over the sink and grabbing my sliced hand with the other to try to keep pressure on it, and he stayed sitting down and not saying anything. I asked him if he could help me get the emergency kit and he seemed to get even a little angry over my urgency. I'll just say that I was losing a lot of blood and was getting dizzy. He finally got the box and left it next to me and then went into the other room without saying anything. At the time I just thought it was bizarre. Thinking back I also wonder if it had to do with cotton gauzes and those types of medical instruments because of his repulsion to cotton. This is a huge sensory no-no for him.

When he has said "just being honest" after saying something hurtful such as "you're an as*hole and you're not worthy" when he is in a stage of seeing red... Yes, I would prefer he keep those thoughts to himself. I'm not asking for him to lie. In those emotional and irrational states, he's told me that he really doesn't mean what he says when he's angry and that he has intended a lot of the nasty words to be hurtful at the time. To me it's destructive and creates further problems that aren't necessary.

As far as the eye contact, I have accepted it. I am a big eye contact person and that is why it is one of the first things I noticed. When we discuss something serious, I often suggest we lie down next to each other in a dark bedroom so he can better focus and we can be physically close. This seems to be very helpful.

I used the example of my fiance finding an "out" to the social etiquette considered "normal" in situations such as dinner shared around a table. While I've read that some people on ASD do have a tremendous sensitivity to sound, social settings are the only time that I've heard him state that he's heard something and become overly focused on. From what I've gathered, what is true for some people with ASD isn't true for others. So while a lot of those with ASD do have a sensitivity to sound, I don't have the impression that he is one of them. He also finds other distractions beyond "hearing something" in these times... such as seeing a cat walking by, and will get up from the table mid conversation to become absorbed with the cat (he doesn't like cats, and I've never seen him take any sort of notice to them other than in a similar scenario), or whatever else the object of focus is. He always has to be facing a window when we are in a restaurant or eating with someone else, but that circumstance or similar circumstances are the only times he makes this a priority. Another example... He once got up from a table when a family member of mine was trying to engage with him, to zoom in on the type of paint on a wall next door. Again, not something he would ever be interested in. And before these types of "distractions" I always notice him struggling with eye contact and social mannerisms.

Regarding the dynamics of conversation... I would love to find a system that works for us. We have tried using an object that each of us holds when we are talking, and I try to be as clear and literal as possible with him. If anyone has further suggestions I would love to hear them. More than anything I want us to be able to comprehend and understand what the other is saying so we don't get snagged up and lose focus over specific wording.

Thank you for explaining the misinterpretations. When he gets the wrong idea of my attitude I try my best to explain my intentions. It isn't natural for me to be monotone, and I don't have this issue with other people I converse with. So it's difficult for me to identify sometimes what he's seeing that others don't. I've asked him to tell me what has made him think I've acted a certain undesirable way (so I can learn to change it when interacting with him), but he is very vague and doesn't give me specifics. I can't begin to remedy what I have no knowledge of.

Generalizing that I tell him I'm busy every time he tries to interact isn't accurate. It does happen on occasion, and one of the things we share in common is that we are both distracted easily. For this reason I thought he might better be able to understand and relate to my wanting to revisit the conversation at a later time when I can give my full attention (which I do tell him when I'm trying to hone in on whatever I'm doing, so he doesn't take it personally). A lot of the time I actually drop whatever I was currently doing to invite the conversation, but he doesn't seem to appreciate or realize it after I've literally put whatever was in front of me to the side. I cannot always do this. I have just started a new career that involves a LOT of my attention at home, and I'm doing my best to remind him that I always want to hear what he has to say. He seems to shut down when I tell him I'd like to revisit a topic at a later time as I suggest as to give him my undivided attention. When I try to set up a time that we can talk, he commonly brushes it off and says that he doesn't know whether or not he'll be up for it at any other time, ever. Sometimes when I try to revisit it he will engage with me, but more often he no longer seems interested.

I get concerned that he learns behaviors through tv and media. He watches a lot of negative shows (like Cops, TMZ and forensic files) that paint people's social skills and vindictiveness to be disgusting. I feel that he applies this to reality which pushes him to be further paranoid that people as a whole are "bad". He is very surprised and intrigued when he sees people, including me, act in a way that can only be interpreted as genuinely well-intended and kind.

I understand the issue with spontaneity, and it's not an expectation by any means. It is difficult to plan things because a lot of the time he will say he does not know how he will be "feeling" or what kind of mood he will be in at a specific time in the future. When I push him to do things with me, there hasn't been a time that he's regretted it, and he later tells me that he had a good time and thanks me for insisting on activities. I am very careful not to put him in situations that might make him further lose his sense of safety in the world. While I've been on the fence about pushing him to get out there, when I do, it seems to be help him overcome some fears and irrational views. When he does open up and tell me his concerns, I try to assist him in thinking rationally about matters by using facts and letting him know I am there when he gets uncomfortable.

I do not know why he needs a specific area on the counter completely clear at all times. I have asked him why and he doesn't go into detail.

When he doesn't acknowledge some of the things I say with a response, I do consider his thought process. I have explained what is considered "normal" as far as the give and take of communication and the nature of it. I struggle to find ways to teach him sometimes what is and isn't typical because I don't want to come across as treating him like a child.

He is most avoidant in talking about himself when I ask questions about his childhood. I think this is important, because I feel it has an influence on who he is and how he views the world and the people in it, and I can better understand where he is coming from and why. I have an idea that he's had some issues growing up. He has told me that his father shut down his emotions (this isn't good for any person, and I imagine it's particularly detrimental with a person who struggles with emotion more than normal). I feel this is a factor in him being able to identify his feelings. Logically, I believe that if I knew some of the things he's gone through, I would better know what to avoid and what to encourage. I have had a lot of obstacles throughout my life, and have been very open with him and shared the things I've gone through. I am an alcoholic and he has a history of drug and alcohol abuse. While I used it to cope with realities that I found easier to avoid in the past, he used alcohol to help feel "normal" socially. We both became sober early June of last year (we have both come so far and I am so proud of each of us). It's a huge accomplishment. I don't have a problem talking about my struggles, and I know by doing so it helps give an opportunity for him to elaborate on his. I allow myself to be vulnerable to him and affirm that he can be so with me too, because there are a lot of things I can relate to. And if I can't personally, I sure as hell will listen enough to be able to paint a picture of what he's gone through, this includes the ways in which our thinking processes differentiate. When I open up and don't get much of a response, I try to ask him questions like, "have you ever felt that way?" or "have you ever been in a similar situation?" Sometimes he will give me a vague yes or no, and others he will say something along the lines of "not really", and have nothing more to say about it. When he voluntarily mentions anything related to his childhood, I let him know I'd love to hear more and ask him carefully thought out and worded questions (I don't want him to feel additional pressure to talk about something that's difficult for him). I am not judgmental, and when he does share things with me I thank him and tell him how much it means to me. The subjects in which he is often avoidant are not limited to childhood, but also in present day scenarios. The past just happened to be what came to mind first and foremost. If anyone has other ideas that might help us get to know each other in this sense, and be able to communicate about it, please let me know.

Thank you for reminding me to reiterate the reasons behind what is appropriate and what isn't.

Yes, I agree that it seems a very narcissistic trait. I've been careful not to label him as narcissistic though. I've read many articles that explain a confusion between narcissism and ASD. If you google "Narcissism or ASD", you might see my dilemma in trying to work out which it is. And of course there's the chance that it's a little bit of both.

Chichikov - Thank you for the advice on writing this BRIEFLY in an email. Because I want him to understand things better, I see now that it might make it more difficult for him to follow a wider range of information and elaboration. I'd like to post my email somewhere here before I send it, because there may be some particulars that turn him off and detour him from understanding that I may not be aware of. Because he has become so emotional about the topic, I have ceased to bring it up again. I feel like this email will really be my last shot at expressing the importance of addressing this.

Dennis - I appreciate you explaining the automatic interest levels in neurotypicals vs those with autism. I never want to blame him for anything he can't control. I really admire that you are so open and curious about your ASD. I think that is what will make or break my relationship. He has gone through many relationships and has had an extremely hard time getting close to people. His friend once told me that she was shocked that he was even open to a relationship with me. I think that I have been extremely patient and as understanding as possible. But, at the same time, this can only go so far. I have put my all into helping him help himself. I know all too well that for a person to get better in any aspect, they have to want it. I can't imagine a person not wanting to relieve such a struggle, and I am trying to get him to understand the importance of identifying his. I know that if he keeps avoiding it, we don't have a chance at a life together. I don't want it to come to this.

kraftiekortie - I will purchase the book and watch the video you suggested. I think he can "evolve" so to speak... I am trouble having getting that motivation up. I think he has just accepted his "fate" for so long, and made the problems out to be so overwhelming, that he feels hopeless.

josh338 - I am cautious to ask him to take the test because I think there's a chance that he may bluff some of the answers so that he's not "labelled", and to manipulate me into thinking these signs are misinterpreted. I have however thought about asking him to take the test, and reading the questions and answers to him. This way he can't really give an answer that isn't accurate, as I've seen everything first hand. Any thoughts on this?

I see that there's already a lot of good discussion already going on.

I recommend that you ask him to take both the Aspie Quiz and the RAADS-R.

You have obviously spent a lot of time researching autism and thinking about how to approach him about this issue, which will be central to the core of his being. You are asking him to find out what kind of person he is. Once he knows, he can't unknow. But knowing will help you two communicate with one another and clear up some of your differences.

I am neurotypical and have been married to my aspie husband twice. The first time we were married for nine years and did not know that he was autistic. We know now, and things are much easier. He no longer has to guess what's going on with me and I no longer have to pretend that I could ever have his abilities. We can easily accommodate each other.

I suggest that you get this conversation with him over with, and don't concentrate so much on autism being a label. It's not bad. You can't control his reaction, either. He may be open to it the whole time, or he may need to be suspicious or even angry for a little while. Whats important is that you guys communicate and work through it together.

My guess is that if he's an Aspie, he'll be reasonably honest in his answers. We just aren't given to dishonesty and guile. More likely, having taken these tests myself, there will be a bit of confirmation bias in the Aspie or the neurotypical direction. Many of the questions are ambiguous or a matter of degree. I got a significantly higher score on the RAADS-R for example when it was administered by a psychologist than when I'd taken it myself -- she said I was being too literal in my answers -- which is of course an Aspie trait.

Anyway, that's why these tests, when self-administered, aren't completely reliable for making a diagnosis. But they don't have to be. The AQ is designed as an intake tool -- it doesn't make a diagnosis, but it does have a cutoff point, 28, beyond which professional assessment is warranted. So do the self-administered RAADS-R and the Aspie Quiz, which as I said is calibrated to the AQ.

So I don't think he'll be out-and-out dishonest and I do think that these tests will provide a good indication of whether professional diagnosis is in order. That being said, I think it would be a good idea for you to administer the test and IIRC this is recommended on at least some sites. But more important than that is his willingness to take the tests and to entertain the possibility that he's an Aspie. I haven't heard about anyone being in denial to the point at which they won't take the tests -- most of us I think are actually pretty eager to discover why we are the way we are -- but I don't think you can be sure until you broach the topic.

Speaking as an Aspie, SocOfAutism's "He no longer has to guess what's going on with me" really struck a chord. I was endlessly frustrated by what I perceived as a demand that I read someone else's mind. I meant well, but just had no idea what she wanted and then would be hurt and upset when she attacked me seemingly out of the blue for not doing something I would have gladly done if asked. Knowing about these gaps in our understanding can make such a difference. Or knowing about and understanding meltdowns, sensory overload, and the other issues that we face. Conversely, as a newly-diagnosed Aspie I can say that it has helped already in my relations with neurotypical people. I'm more likely to question my own assumptions, to make more of an effort to be sensitive to the needs of neurotypicals. It can be heavy lifting but I try.