12 years on... still trying to figure out what it all means

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The "modern" era of my life began on June 1, 2004 when I finally learned the truth that I was autistic. 12 years later I still find myself lying in bed a lot going back over memories and every now and then I'll uncover something else that relates to me and the autism spectrum.

Case in point... yesterday morning I suddenly remembered a meltdown I had around new years 1998 that I had in front of a friend at my house relating to of all things our christmas tree. I don't recall a specific trigger, just that I was getting more and more angry for some reason. It ended with the tree snapped in half, about a dozen broken ornaments, and the linoleum floor it sat on having a big gash from me slamming down a block a wood the tree stand sat on. I ended up laying in bed hyperventilating and trying to calm myself down.

My friend found it amusing BTW. He had a rough childhood also so he was use to seeing odd displays like mine.

One thing I've come to realize is that I can't fully rely on my memory to uncover events from the past as mine seems to have done a pretty good of masking out stressful and "ordinary" events. When I was younger I use to argue with parents about things and I would always bring up the topic of my perfect childhood, and there response would be... "If only you could remember!"

Once June 1st happened I had to start remembering my past again to try and decipher it. Back then my parents were a valuable source of information as they saw and dealt with all that was me, but both of them were never comfortable talking about it and I was only able to get two good conversations out of them.

I know I gave my mom a breakdown when I was three. I can remember my dad trying console her in our kitchen one morning and she wound up in therapy for a while which resulted in me going into therapy as well for about a year.

So here I am 12 years later and I still wonder just how low on the spectrum I was. The two people who knew me best have since passed on so I don't think I'll ever be able to answer that question satisfactorily.

....I have just started this exact same process. I have always avoided remembering anything from more than a few years ago, as Memory Lane generally ends in self-loathing. Post-diagnosis, I am warily picking at the scabs of all these embarassing, disgusting and frightening memories in the hopes that I can be a just a little bit more compassionate to the messed-up kid I once was. Not to mention the messed-up adult I've been ever since! My parents are still alive, but have a head-in-the-sand attitude to it all, so they're no help.

Scoots5012, I'm in a bit of a similar quandary as you, albeit you have one up on me (I haven't been medically diagnosed yet but highly suspect I'm an Aspie.) All my life, I felt like an oddball, waiting for the Mothership to come and get me, and it's only recently that I've started piecing my past together and have come to the conclusion that I am on the spectrum. I've also repressed a lot of my childhood due to PTSD, but occasionally, a memory will pop up and make me go "a-ha!"... More signs of autism! I'm lucky that both of my parents are still alive and I can bounce some questions off of them. Mum agrees with me that I am most definitely on the low end of the spectrum, but my dad never liked labels so he doesn't want to concur. It's funny... Once I got the epiphany that I have Asperger, I did feel a great sense of relief. It was as if my whole life changed, and yet, nothing had really changed, if that makes any sense.