"You definitely don't have Asperger's!"

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I've been painfully akward my whole life, suferring for not being able to talk to people in a healthy way, understand them and be understood. I've been called cold hearted for not being empathic and have received tons of cursing for not being able to handle social situations well. Emotions? I can't even be specific about it.

Then, I found Discourse Analysis, Psychology and Neurolinguistics.
I've become SO FREAKING GOOD in acting as a NeuroTypical and speaking like one, that even an experienced Psychiatrist didn't see absolutely ANY autistic trait in me.

I didn't want to act as an NT so precisely, but I accidentally did due to social pressure and every word I said was filtered by my "NT standarts" to sound completely usual.

I said I never had any actual friend and couldn't keep any friendships, she said "we all have many friendships throughout our lives, so it's normal not to always keep one."

I said I'm not able to miss anyone nor can tell if I love someone. I am EXTREMELY dettached from human contact. And could live without 99% of it. She said "what if everyone feels like that and they're just pretending to like it just like you?".

I said any social contact exhausts me an amount and then I need to be utterly isolated. She said "Many people get tired of socializing too".

I said "I shape my behaviour consciously according to the situation I'm in, because I often offend people if I don't plan it beforehand and that can be catastrophic. So I choose behavioural patterns I pre-stablished for each situation". She said "we all have to think before saying things".

Yeah, but so you, too, need to study 5 books on non-verbal cues to be able to have a normal flirting conversation for 40 seconds?

WTH? I needed help and all she did was shape what I said into common sense and then dismiss me telling me I'm ok.

I said many other things. Maybe all my relating to the ASD, FINALLY finding an answer to my difference and possibly a treatment was just me being hypocondriac (which I am not).

My "personality" by itself, she said, can indeed have caused me to struggle through my entire life. Could have caused me to not be able to socialize and need to consciously learn how to interact.

Ugh... So only my personality caused me to have the emotional intelligence of a tree (even having THE SWEETEST MOTHER), only my personality caused me to not be able to socialize with ANYONE in a non-embarrassing way through my entire life?

Only my personality... Come on! I had finally found the answer and now... "You're just looking for problems where there is none".

I don't want a problem, I want to NAME the already existing difference so I'm not lost being called cold hearted when I know I'm not. I don't want an excuse, I just need an explanation for why I am like this. No, I'm not shy. Yes, I enjoy rocking chairs more than playing video games. No, I didn't mean to offend you. Yes, please tell me what I said that offended you. Yes, I'm a freaking genius. Yes, I can do this, just leave me alone for about 8 hours. No, I just need solitude and isolation. Yes, I can look into your eyes, nod, wave and behave just like you. It's a façade, but I enjoy acting.

I just needed to vent. I was looking for help, not being told I don't have any problems when CLEARLY there are things going quite wrong.

Can anybody relate to this? I'll be happy if there is.

I'm going to look for a second opinion. Has anybody had this experience?

I can relate to some of this.

I was diagnosed very young, so I have had an ample amount of time to be aware of my autism-related issues and learn behaviors to mitigate or hide them (in part because of the pressures you mention and in part by choice). I have gotten good enough at this that it's all deeply ingrained habit and feels more natural to me than "acting autistic" does. I have had somewhat similar situations where when working with trained mental health professionals for the first time they were surprised or even doubtful I had Asperger's. In some cases, they never found out because it wasn't relevant and I didn't tell them. I can actually pass well enough to fool them, and it's not something I know how to stop doing.

It gives them a hard time. Makes me very frustrating and difficult to work with. My last therapist said I was one of the most difficult patients he's had in decades of practice. We discussed this and I proposed it's because I present myself as being far more competent than I actually am. So... it can be very hard to find a therapist who can work with someone who "passes" that well. I'm working on it right now.

My suggestion is that you also find someone else. The person you're working with now doesn't sound particularly effective, or informed about the diagnosis. If she were, she'd be asking a lot about past history; she also wouldn't be dismissing your ideas like this.

Yes, I can absolutely relate to much of what you're saying - especially this part. You were probably more motivated than I was to understand neurotypical behavior, but when I was younger I was just considered weird. Autism wasn't even on the table as an option when I was younger. I didn't get diagnosed until almost 2 years ago, when I was 43.

I've experienced some pushback from family and friends after going public with my diagnosis (including a recently published ebook about my experiences). Some have suggested that I'm just following a "trendy" diagnosis; one family member is fixated on my purported desire to have a "label."

NO! I didn't want a label. What I needed was to UNDERSTAND what it was that made me different for 43 years. Like you, I wanted an explanation for the way my brain works, not an excuse or even a fix.

So I don't think your perspective or situation is at all unusual. I would second the suggestion that you look for a more competent professional who will listen to your story and not write it all off as some vain construct of your mind.

I'm sure a lot of folks here can relate to your experience - I've seen lots of threads here that tell much the same story. I should admit that I've not experienced it directly myself, but I do know how it feels not to be taken seriously by people who seem to think they know it all. If I were you I'd take my business elsewhere, though finding a competent, sincere health professional may take some time and possibly money.

I can understand how frustrating that would be.

But, one thing i cant wrap my head around is this, you found a very good way to adapt and appear "NT", why would you need an explaination at this point. You KNOW your not the best at socializing but you overcame it, you dont need a diagnoses to explain YOU. Thats not what a diagnoses is for, a diagnoses is for people who have difficulty functioning and adapting. I think you should be very proud of yourself, many people on the spectrum cant do what you do, you said you read books on nonverbal language- thats awesome!

But yet it seems like people still managed to get diagnosed despite what they have overcame. There was even a member here who still comes here sometimes and she still managed to get diagnosed despite that she have overcame her poor social skills and can function normal.

Even if a person has learned to adapt pretty well to neurotypical society, there's still a sense in which that outward persona truly is an act. In my case, getting a diagnosis relatively late in life was important because of the validation it gave to my years of personal trials. So much of my life came into focus in a meaningful way. Being able to finally put a name to the thing that you've struggled with for a lifetime is incredibly freeing - at least that's how it was for me.

I still dont understand why it needs a name. Everyone has struggles but not everyone has a diagnoses

Your going to have people who I call the Deniers, Who say everything is normal about you. Or that you Might have Every single trait for autism, but you don't have autism. This has happened to me before. This happens to Professionals from time to time. Where a Parent won't Let their child get diagnosed with autism. My Mother done this. Which is why me and my brother didn't get diagnosed early despite, therapist bringing it up, etc. Most people, See what they want to see, not what actually happens. The best thing to do is to get rid of them, for they won't budge.

The OP says he needs help. I don't want to put words into his mouth, but I guess what he's hoping for is to get assessed properly for ASD so that if it turns out to be positive, he can get professional help, so that he doesn't have to trudge on alone, perhaps burning himself out, with nothing but homespun self-help, not even knowing if he's on the right track or not. A diagnosis could also be a real life-saver in the world of higher education, and in the world of work or accessing benefits. It won't put everything right, but it'd be a start.

Everyone wants a label because they want a reason for why they were so different. Even NTs wonder what is wrong with them but yet there is no label out there that fits them or describes them. They just accept they are also different and weird. Then when you come across something you think that fits and feel it describes you and then be told you don't have it, you are left wondering what is it with your struggles then you have had and you had to learn to compensate and adapt. What other disorders are out there that would explain why you were so different? After all many disorders share the same symptoms as autism. It seems to be human to want an explanation.

I'm that NT.

I recently came across the label "Type 3 hyperlexia" that describes a developmental profile similar to mine, if usually more extreme: precocious with letters, appears quite Asperger-like when little, but grows out of it, non-social symptoms first, and never had problems with eye contact. That's how I ended up back here: looking up information on that.

But at this point it's almost irrelevant because, well, I don't really struggle anymore with any problem that a very large percentage of my peers don't also struggle with. The only use is that it provides an alternative to the "I was just a bad, self-centered kid" hypothesis. And that's not much of a use because, frankly, I probably shouldn't be thinking much about my past anyway, unless it has direct relevance to the things I want to do now and in the future.

A diagnosis is probably most useful if there's still something you're currently struggling with. Perhaps the opinion of this therapist amounted to "I don't see you currently struggling with anything, so I see no point in diagnosing you." It does, however, tend to be frustrating if someone won't believe that you ever did struggle, and may be especially frustrating if you still do struggle, say as much, and the person doesn't believe you about it.

Sometimes kids do outgrow their disorders. I used to be the clumsy kid but grew out of it. I was diagnosed with dyspraxia too but then "grew out of it" but yet when i was reading two blogs by two dyspraxics, I felt I fit them because of the issues they described that I have but yet I am not clumsy so dyspraxia is off the list.

Also I read that some kids do outgrow behavior problems and I have read about ADHD kids growing out of it so that was why it was believed it was only a childhood condition and also reading that some dyslexics to grow out of it and reading that even some kids have grown out of autism but that is questionable. I grew out of having a language impairment so I know it's very possible to outgrow a disability but probably rare and the exception.

Also I had very bad ADD as a kid so I grew out of that pretty much but I still can't listen to lectures and I still zone out.

Last edited by League_Girl on 21 Jun 2016, 4:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

If you seen another psychiatrist and they also said you weren't autistic, would you accept it?

I think it's a very important question.

And if you wouldn't accept it, it's worth being very honest with yourself and asking yourself why there's a refusal to accept it (i.e. why would you be so adamant on hearing 'ASD'?).


What if the likes of Social Anxiety/Schizoid Personality disorder were suggested?


How much time have you spent researching autism?
How much time have you spent researching Social Anxiety?
How much time have you spent researching personality disorders?

There's likely an element of confirmation bias in your own view.


PS I don't think the psychiatrist is somehow 'against' you - she asked very valid questions. What she likely found most interesting was that you took her questions personally, and took offence at them, rather than objectively considering 'well, yes, that is actually a valid point. I've never thought of if like that'.

Your dismissal of her suggestions of alternative views likely speaks more than you believe it to.

Maybe your responses were more 'neurotypical' than you'd like to admit to yourself, given the overt emotional reaction you had (and seem to be still having) to what she said.


Please try to read what I'm saying in an objective manner, as I'm being objective in trying to provide an alternate viewpoint (which has just as much validity - if not more - than simply agreeing with you, telling you you're correct, you know best, and yet another psychiatrist doesn't know their job when they don't say what the person wants to hear).

It may depend on the nature of the condition: there may be some developmental delays that are easily outgrown, and others not. I've heard ADHD in many cases may be a developmental delay in executive function that, if not completely "outgrown," can at least be well-compensated-for. The "outgrowing autism" puzzle is where the concept of Type 3 hyperlexia came from: one researcher of ASDs in kids, Darold Treffert, noticed that early readers could be grouped into kids who never had autistic traits (type 1), kids who were definitely autistic and remained that way (type 2), and kids who appeared almost autistic when little (except for lack of eye contact and body language issues and having good social function within an inner circle) but grew out of it (type 3). The idea is that there are certain developmental quirks - advancements in some areas, delays in others which include social skills and perhaps even sensory processing - that even out over time, but may initially closely resemble autism. If that's true, that would explain a lot for me, and maybe other people who are functionally NT as adults but struggled as kids.

The outgrowing dyslexia thing reminds me of a case I heard of someone who had almost outgrown dyslexia, having trouble reading only when very tired. Many high-functioning autistics report a similar effect with their autism, where it becomes more severe when they are moderately tired or stressed. I see myself as NT because I have not struggled like I did when I was a kid for a very long time, even on bad days. But developmental issues that resolved themselves with time are highly probable in my case.