I feel childish and hate myself.

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I had a bad break up with my ex-girlfriend and couple months ago, we were together for about 6 months. Our relationship was quite good at the start but 2 months in to the relationship, she would constantly put me down for my autism. She would point out certain things like how I didn't understand how to use a washing machine, or my inability to recognise emotions, or my social awkwardness. She would call me childish and constantly say "I'm not your carer." Looking back I realise it was a very unstable relationship. She was very controlling and put me down everyday and drove me to depression, which I'm now taking medication for. She would scare me sometimes too, she would get angry and walk towards me. I'm a lot taller than her and very strong but I'm what people would call a "gentle giant" but I'd never hurt anyone and never threatened her but she did it to me all the time.

The thing is... Everytime I do something, I can still hear her putting me down. I bought this new backpack for college after the the summer and I got it from Smiggle which is a shop for kids. It's childish looking but I really love it. I really want to wear it to college tomorrow but all I can hear is her insulting me. It's like even though she's gone, she's still here. Now all I can imagine is people laughing at me or pointing it out and insulting my new backpack. I'm getting too scared to wear it, even though I love it and annoyed my mum all day just talking about the shoulder straps.

I hate what she's done to me. Because now I feel bad for being autistic and I constantly judge myself. Like I got excited and jumped up and down and flapped my hands... I immediately made myself stop and called myself names in my head. I'm scared to ask people questions because when I asked her questions like "How should I fold this t-shirt?", she would shout and moan at me. Whenever I notice myself showing any autistic symptoms, I put myself down.

I don't know what to do anymore.

What will you taking up in college?

I would forget about this girl. She sounds abusive. Think about your future instead.

Don't worry. It'll just take a few people commenting that they like your backpack, or that they appreciate / share your excitement, to get this experience out of your head. Things like that can knock your confidence for a while and make you all insecure, that's normal after something like a breakup. But the impression does fade, buried under other, different responses over time.

It wasn't you who made any mistakes it was her. I had a similar problem, people made me doubt myself because I did certain actions which made them believe that I was something I wasn't. Soon I began to hate people, but I have to remind myself that there are still good people who are more accepting. I still feel embarrassed by certain things I do, but I have to remind myself that I have no reason to be. You don't have any reason to feel bad either. You have to remind yourself that too. It takes time to get over it, but during that time, I would suggest to be with other people or do things which make you feel better. As C2V says it will fade over time.

I think you know that this relationship was bad and the things she told you were wrong and abusive. But like other people said, it takes awhile to get it out of your head.

Maybe you could focus just on the one thing at a time and try to concentrate on the attributes of whatever it is that you like. So like, with the backpack, maybe you could put it on your bed and just look at it for a few minutes. Look at the colors, the fabric, maybe smell it (I know that sounds weird), put things in it and see how things fit in, put it on and see how you look it in, how it looks with different outfits. Like, really spend some time with it so that the positive things that you naturally feel sink in better. Maybe that could inoculate you against any sneaking negative voices. Also, just so you know, it's really common for adults to wear child back packs. There's more variety.

You could do that with other things too. Like, um...if you're having trouble asking people questions you could start thinking about the kinds of questions you have, write them down, then imagine someone else is asking you these questions and reply to them. How would you judge another person who is asking this? Folding a t-shirt, for example, is a really confusing thing. There are actually a lot of ways to do it. A long time ago I worked in a clothing factory so I know. I think if any person asked another person how they did it, it would be a valid question and the other person would answer with something like, "Oh, that always gets me too. What I try to do is..." Ever try to fold a fitted sheet? Now that's a puzzle!

Try not to let yourself feel bad for being the way you are, the person you are. You only live once, you may as well try to enjoy it. If you like your new backpack, use it! If someone says something negative just ignore them. I will say that I found people to be far less judgmental in college. I hope that, with time, you will be able to get over the negativity that she injected into your life.

Just buy the backpack! I

f people judge you by your backpack, they are not worthy of being friends with you. They have a very superficial view of things, to say the least. You don't want to get involved in that.