Another do I have Asperger's Syndrome

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Hey everyone. I tried to find where there would be "Do I have aspergers" or such topics and failed to find any. If this is in a wrong section in the forums, I'm sorry, I'm still new here.

As the topic says, I'm trying to find whatever I have or don't have Asperger's Syndrome. Now I'm not here to diagnose myself but more to make sense to my life that doesn't work. That's why I'm hoping if some of you out there who have Asperger's could read this and say whatever these are something similar you all have gone through with your life.

I have been diagnosed with ADD few years ago and I have had depression since I can remember.

Here are few things about my life:

- When I was a child I often preferred to play alone than with others. I could stay in my room for whole day doing my own thing and not have the need to be around other people. I also liked to play games where I pretended to be someone else.

- At the very beginning of my school days I was always bullied and I never understood why. I wasn't different in any way but all that bullying focused on me. Bullying continued each time I tried to attend school.

- I had hard time doing school work or focusing on school for few reasons. One was that I was and still am a huge day dreamer, I visualize more than think with words. I tend to almost too often fall to my dream lands and completely lose focus what's going on and often if I'm in a very crowded place, I do it automatically. I have always thought I just have a very wild imagination and it wasn't something to be even concerned. Another reason was that if I wasn't interested of the topic, studying was hard. Remembering what I have read or studied was and still is hard if I'm not interested of the subject. ( as said, I was later diagnosed with ADD and I thought all this was because of my ADD )

- I have always have hard time keeping friends. It's not that hard to make friends but it's harder to keep them. I don't feel the need to do any small talk with them (which I hate actually) and I usually only contact them when I actually have something to say or think we could do something. So I never contacted them just to go "hey what are you doing? or How are you?" since I felt it being pointless. I also felt more comfortable around older friends than friends of my own age. When I for the first time started to speak with English speakers (English is not my native language) I remember when people asked me "How are you?" I actually told them how I was. I later realized that I'm not supposed to answer exactly how I'm feeling, so now on I answer with "Good". It seems to work every time. I always thought this was because I was born and raised in Finland and our culture tends to be a bit more less social ad we are more inverted people than super social. So I never thought how I behaved was that different.

- I have never liked to look people in the eyes, I have always felt it little threatening and definitely uncomfortable. That's why I tend to always remember how everyone's eyebrows look and the shape of them is, than what color their eyes are. I used to think I probably was just fascinated with eyebrows I also don't remember others faces that much. If I would to see one of my cousins pass by that I haven't seen in couple of years, I probably wouldn't recognize them.

- I'm very sensitive to light, smell, few fabrics and definitely noise. Even when I was a kid I told my parents to remove all clocks from the upper part of the house, because I could hear them ticking and it was driving me insane. Needles to say I can't have anything that makes noise at my home. When there is a lot of sound coming from different directions I feel really uncomfortable and I guess stressed. Why I say stressed was because recently I realized that I don't know the difference between stress and anxiety. Or panic attack vs overly stressed. Joy or Happiness.

- I have had comments to me said that I don't seem to express a lot with my face and that I often seem 'unhappy' even I don't feel like that. Again because I live in Finland I thought this was normal.

- I prefer to be alone and I don't have a desire to be around people that much. Whenever I am around people I burn out really quickly and I require sometimes even few days to be alone that I can go out to meet people again. I also have to plan my meetings and I tend to go through them in my head multiple times, I visualize what would happen when I go there, what I say, what they might say, how will I respond to that. This is something I repeat all the time with everything..

.. which reminds me of something. I tend to live through scenarios in my head that are like "what if this happened, what would you do?". I never thought it was that weird, again thought this was something everybody does, but my thoughts are thinking such situations all the time. Example whenever I sit in a buss I think if the buss would crash, where would I fall, could I grip anything and if I could, what would I grip in order to not get hurt. Who in the buss I would need to check on first if I was able to move. how should I react if the buss gets hit in the front or on the side, what if the buss flips. And these same thoughts are about every situation I am in. I feel like I'm constantly alert and it can be tiring.

- I always have to move something if I speak or do something. Usually I squeeze or massage my fingers which might make me look nervous. Which is another feeling I'm not sure how it feels, I thought again it was anxiety. or maybe it was. Anyway.

- Cleaning is sometimes really hard for me. I can'd do it randomly, I have to plan it. If I do it randomly, I often start to organize my stuff on tables instead of clearing the dirty clothing or papers from the floors.. or at some cases I suddenly decide how cleaning the house would be "so much easier if I just move furniture from here to here".. then I spend the whole day moving my furniture and making even bigger mess, which makes me feel tired and sad that I wasn't able to clean at all even I spend the whole day with it.

- I have went to therapist for 10 years now and at the beginning I was really bad at talking there. I always thought it was because I haven't had the greatest people around me and I didn't trust people that much.. and not to forget that "I just wasn't a good talker." My answers often were "I don't know" or "I don't remember". I originally went to therapy about my depression (I was 18 then) and I have eaten a huge list of depression medicines but none of them have ever worked. Only my ADD medicines have helped me to have stay awake through day and sleep through night ( I had really bad sleeping problems, I would become really tired during days even if I slept at night and fall asleep )

- I tend to be very blunt, honest and straight forwarded when speaking with people. Unless I want to lie, I don't, not even white lies. If someone asks me what do I think about something, I tell them how I think about it.. which now later on I have realized that might be the reason I lost few friends, because I told exactly how I felt about whatever they asked about.

- I'm very strict towards myself and this is to the point where it's not healthy. I can't stand how I look or how I speak or anything about myself. I think this has come from all the bullying that I went through with school. I'm also overly strict with cleaning, school, work, even how I play videogames. I have to know everything, I have to do everything perfect or it's not good enough. This has driven me to state where I'm constantly tired and feel ... I don't know how to explain it. Like I have constantly something to do and I can never feel like I can fully relax. Also if I become interested about something, I have to find information about it right away which makes me ignore everything else I was supposed to do.

- Always been interested of how other people feel or behave. I thought this was because it was just interesting to me and maybe I should become a shrink or something. Another thing I never paid attention much. When I was younger I often mimicked how other people behaved.

I remember one time when something bad happened and it launched a really bad panic attack. I cried for hours and hours and kept telling my parents how I just want to be normal, this is something I have told to my therapist too. I don't want to feel different, I want to feel normal. I want to do what normal people do but I can't, I can't function like them. I'm lost because I don't know what to do anymore. While my ADD medication works a little, it still doesn't fully help, my depression medicines have never worked and in fact have done the opposite.

I probably have much more but before this becomes too much of a wall of text, here are just few things that come up to my mind. Thank you to anyone who made it down here.

Hello and welcome!

First of all, I love Finland (Sorry, I'm obsessed with Scandinavian countries).

Secondly, no one here can confirm for sure whether you have Aspergers or not, for that you need a diagnosis. A lot of symptoms overlap in Aspergers and ADD, so it's hard to say. You say you have sensory issues, which are common in Aspergers/Autism, and many people on the spectrum are bullied too, as bullies can tell if someone is different (even just a little bit). Not liking to look people in the eyes is a trait too, although you could just be a shy or introverted person.

Based on the descriptions you've provided, I'd say there is a chance you have Aspergers, although no one here can tell you for sure.

If you're looking for a better idea of if you are on the spectrum or not, you could take the Aspie Quiz or the AQ test, which can give you an idea, but don't take internet quizzes too seriously.

Thanks for the reply!

Yeah I definitely didn't come here to expect to find whatever I am or aren't Aspie, but more to see if my behavior is similar with them. Since over here it costs a lot of money to go get it diagnosed I wanted to least find out if I have something common with others who have Asperger's Syndrome before I go forward with it.

I did notice that ADD and Aspergers many similar traits which is the why back in the day when I first realized I have ADD ( I actually had to bring that to doctor too myself ) I didn't think I had aspergers simply because I always thought people definitely could tell if I had one, or I would know I had one.. which kind of sound silly now that I think about it

Thanks for letting me know about the quiz, and I actually did them with getting this result:

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 158 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 42 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)

I guess I'll go forward with this but won't be until another few weeks when I see my doctor. It would explain so much about my life if this is correct.

Oh and no, I'm not a shy person at all. I think the only thing I'm scared about looking people in the eyes because I feel like I start to look like some creepy axe murderer with my long stare.

You're welcome if you are interested in comparing your experiences to other Aspies and learning more about Asperger's syndrome, here is a really good blog from a woman with Asperger's perspective:

https://musingsofanaspie.com

Shyness is a personality trait not an autistic one. Some autistic people are very engaging but in ways most consider inappropriate.

Let us know how the doctors appointment goes and ask questions of us no matter how "silly" they may seem.

I get happy about Finland!

Being a toddler and a kid, I was very hyperactive- running everywhere/climbing (excessively). Also, I primarily have a form of autism.

Siis kyllähän sulla voi olla AS mutta en minä siitä voi sanoa enempää. Mutta jos haluat saada diagnoosin niin kanattaa pohtia mistä. Jos on rahaa niin voit mennä yksityselle lääkärille. Missä päin asut?
Ite sain diagnoosin TAKK-illta mutta voit luutavasti googlata mistä semmoisen diagnoosin voisi saada lähellä sua

Siis kyllähän sulla voi olla AS mutta en minä siitä voi sanoa enempää. Mutta jos haluat saada diagnoosin niin kanattaa pohtia mistä. Jos on rahaa niin voit mennä yksityselle lääkärille. Missä päin asut?
Ite sain diagnoosin TAKK-illta mutta voit luutavasti googlata mistä semmoisen diagnoosin voisi saada lähellä sua

Yay! Someone who loves Finland too!

Your self descriptions seem to me to be quite accurate, detailed and suggestive of autism.

If you still visit with your therapist, you might want to explore the idea of a diagnosis of autism.

I think there is definitely enough there to pursue it further. I would recommend reading Tony Atwood's complete guide, it is really good at showing the variety of ways it can manifest. I am sure many peoples path to diagnosis start with that book covered in highlighter pen.

Hi Tuska!

Your descriptions and your score on the Aspie Quiz seem to indicate that you are on the autism spectrum. You could double check by taking the self-assessing RAADS-R. I think that the RAADS-R and Aspie Quiz together are pretty definitive. I would actually take those results over a medical diagnosis.

You still might want to pursue a medical diagnosis because in most countries you get certain legal protections only with a medical diagnosis. And it can feel more final when someone else confirms it.

The other thing I would do is what you're already doing- read up on the autism spectrum and talk to other autistic adults. If it "feels right" for you, it IS right.

A couple of things you said I just wanted to specifically address:

Self-diagnosis in general: There's nothing wrong with self-diagnosis. Many people think it's an "armchair expert" kind of thing. But you know yourself best. This is an identity thing, not something like a stomach bug. You know more about your identity than anyone else. So don't be afraid to diagnose yourself. Many do, and don't bother with a formal, medical diagnosis.

Depression: If the source of the depression never goes away, you're always going to be depressed. People on the autism spectrum are living in a world that was not made for them. So they are often in direct contact with things that are sapping their energy or even traumatizing them. By realizing what kind of person you are, you may be able to isolate what is negative in your life and then take steps to correct it.

There are people here who realized that certain situations, sounds, visualizations, movements, smells, or textures had been bothering them for years, although they didn't seem to bother anyone else. By adjusting their life to suit THEM instead of the other way around, they felt much better.

Anyway, just keep reading and talking to people. You'll see what I'm talking about.

Welcome to WrongPlanet!

Go see a professional. We've had people here self diagnosis for years and then they finally are forced to get help voltunatery or involuntary (sometimes due to a psychotic breakdown) only to find out they are not autistic at all and have something completely different and similar.

Some people move on after that point some people swirl in denial claiming the professionals are wrong and do nothing but harm to themselves.

Having a professional with the power to diagnosis can set you up with a proper course of action and help you better yourself and your life.

I wouldn't recommend a psychiatrist as they deal with meds and meds won't fix anyone with autism but rather a clinical psychologist.

Now if you get diagnosised with a mania or something that is not autism or prehaps you have autism and something else than a psychiatrist can help with meds to deal with that mental illness.

After seeing a professional clinical psychologist which helped me understand my self it helped me get myself in order. I was once someone who could barely help myself and one year later I got a good job, can take care of myself, and got a plan in place that has nothing but helped me help myself.

The only good advice I can give you is see a professional and if that professional does not have diagnosing powers than you need to see the right person

Last edited by HisShadowX on 03 Jul 2016, 9:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yah. Its not as clear as it is with some other people who have written posts like this. (And the OP was right, there are a lot of posts like this all over the internet. Its practically a rite of passage.) Maybe I'm just in a weird mood, but it seems like you are a perfectionist with some unreasonable expectations for yourself. If you have OCD instead of autism, you'll be getting the wrong treatment. And you don't want to spend years on that.

The thing about autism is that it is, in part, a communication disorder. So, its really hard for most of us to express what is going on with us, because we are autistic. So, just because your post didn't really sound like autism to me doesn't mean much. One of the ironies of diagnostics with autism is that some of us have to mature to the point where we are even able to communicate what our problem is before we can get any help. So, we can get left in a limbo where no therapists understand our needs until we have managed to grow beyond them without help. Its a catch 22.

I took that online quiz on my diagnostic journey, too. The scores tend to be a lot higher in those of us who want to be diagnosed with autism than the scores of people who were diagnosed as children. So, while I think it can be useful, I wouldn't say its conclusive.

A lot of what you write about sounds like a very imaginative person who is also dealing with ODC type anxiety. One of the challenges of diagnosing an adult is that trauma can look like autism, and you did say that you had trauma from childhood due to bullying. That's a really important distinction to make because the treatments for autism and OCD are different. Some people get both, but you want to be clear about which you are dealing with.

This hyper-imagination thing is very common with autistics, especially women. (There's a name for it, but I can't place it.) As is your challenge with expressing yourself. The eye contact thing is classic of course. But I know too many NTs who also feel that way about eye contact. If you look at videos of autistics, the difference between someone who is just shy and someone who's eye contact problem is part of their autism is very clear.

If you go see a doctor, make sure you bring that list. And maybe expand on it a little. Just hating tick-tock clocks, for example, isn't enough. That's actually very common. But if its one way among many that you have hypersonia, then yah, that's an autism thing.

I don't think it is necessarily denial as professionals are not infallible, I think there is still a great deal of variation about where to draw the diagnostic line, and many don't see less visible (prefer this term than 'mild') as valid. I remember the first professional I saw (a pre-screening before full assessment) said in no uncertain terms 'you definitely are not autistic',

I knew she was wrong as she was contrasting me to people with the most extreme condition, and was saying things that I knew were out of date. I had done my research, I understood the condition, I understood how it explained everything about me, I understood that the bits where on the surface I was less textbook were because of how it interacted with my own circumstances, personality and learnt compensations.

I pursued a full assessment independently, opting for a well regarded place that specialised in working with adults, and the professionals there were entirely different there and very understanding. I always wonder what would have happened if that first professional had done the full assessment, I am certain I would not have been diagnosed.

I can understand why people are skeptical of self diagnosis, but I think with autism, the all pervasive nature of it, and the fact it has always been there means people do recognise they have found the answer.