Autism and identity

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I was accused of this recently by a neurology researcher when I told them I didn't believe the way to live life successfully as an autistic was to be indoctrinated in how to fake being neurotypical as closely as possible.
They told me that I was identifying being autistic as my identity.
I disagree with this. My decision to reject indoctrination, assimilation and conformity in terms of autism was based on simple logic - I have tried my hardest, in several attempts, varying time, location, focus, people involved, almost every variable possible, and every time this has resulted in burnout and nonfunction. Last time, the hardest effort, ended in breakdown which led to significant nonfunction.
Thus, I determined it was no longer a viable strategy to continue doing this, and the strategy had to become more autism-friendly. Denying it and trying to be "normal" simply does not work.
It had nothing to do with equating my identity to being autistic. It's part of the conditions that make me up sure, and denying this is obviously a bad idea, but it is not everything. Far from it.
Possibly because I see parallels in the queer community - people who focus everything they are on being queer. Again, that's just part of my experience, not the whole thing, nor anything to do with other aspects of identity.
I've read here people who do not hinge any of their identity on being autistic, and just discount it. Others who do factor in their autism as part of who they are and how they behave - their identity, essentially.
How does this work in everyone else's life?

I am myself and I do what I feel like.
Sometimes I will act more NT, sometimes my AS will show. I don't think they are that separate. I might be in the spectrum but I was raised in NT world therefore I picked up a lot of NT behavior over the years - they become conditioned responses. It doesn't mean I will act NT if I don't feel like it and if it takes too much effort though. But I wont parade my AS side either. I will mostly just say I am tired or something. Not like people understand sensory overload anyway.

All I did is accept it... And find all it's assets.
A part of me? Sure. It's there, and will always be there. So I sought to control what's mine instead of letting it control me. Now I'm 'free'. I had no need for superficial crap.
Is it my personality? No, it's an inclination and I got contradictory or neutral.
Identity? A human first, then an aspie, then a female... Despite that I'm more ashamed of being human than being an aspie.

I know a difference between a restraint and acting. Difference between social skills and acting NT. Difference between actually adapting from fooling people that in reality, you're on a verge of breakdown or mental/emotional exhaustion.
Difference between realization, change, learning from pretending that you had learned by conditioning yourself in an unnatural and uncomfortable way.
Call me naive sure, I prefer both ways. And had attained it. I want to show others it's possible, but I don't have the right words for it...


In the end, I'm just another human trying to learn more, NT or no NT.

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I was only very recently diagnosed. I spent my entire life 'acting NT' and doing my best to fit in. I certainly consider myself to be very successful as a result - I am happily married, I have a child, I run my own business and nobody has ever 'guessed' that I'm autistic - but I wouldn't say that it has all worked out. There are many issues that, despite three decades of trying my best whilst immersed in the 'NT lifestyle' (for want of a better phrase, I do NOT mean that there is a certain lifestyle for NTs and a certain one for people with AS), I have been unable to get over.

If someone truly believes that they are NT, grows up as NT and is never diagnosed with anything at all, and still does not 'fit' into the NT-shaped hole, then I think there is some indication that this is not necessarily the way to 'live life successfully as an autistic'. Mileage may very depending on person, of course.

My diagnosis is my permission to stop fighting the way I have done all of my life, so I guess you could say that it has become a big part of my identity. I now care a lot less if I mess up socially because 'it's who I am', and I'm not going to spend the rest of my life fighting to fix it when that just isn't me and has never worked before. I also allow myself many other accommodations that I wouldn't have allowed in the past, because of my autism diagnosis.

I firmly believe, now, that the best thing I can do for me is to be myself and not try to 'act NT'.

I believe that if I met up with someone now that knew me pre-diagnosis, and if they saw me at my most relaxed now (I a still learning to take the mask off in public, it's not easy) they would think that the diagnosis had changed me and that I was 'acting up' to it, but the reality is the opposite. I was acting before. I have not taken on any autistic behaviours that didn't already exist, to form a part of my identity.

All that said, as far as autistic people go I am very good at 'behaving NT' (either naturally or through learned strategies). My behaviour hasn't changed dramatically - just in small, subtle ways. And in fact, many of the adaptations are ones that I had already made years ago, before I even considered that I was autistic, because the 'NT way' simply was not working for me and I considered myself simply 'incapable' of certain things.

Obviously, everyone's experience will be different. But, I agree completely that being forced to act NT is not the answer for everyone. It didn't work for me. There were a great many successes, and if I had been diagnosed earlier and known I was autistic then I might not have had those successes, but there are also a great many difficulties below the surface that I am glad to be slowly getting rid of.

I think of myself as a person first, and a person on the Spectrum second.

Just because one doesn't want to act "NT" all the time doesn't mean that the person sees autism as an integral part of his/her identity. It's quite possible that this person merely doesn't want to replicate stereotypical "social-type" behavior.

They want to live alternatively to that. They want to express themselves in a somewhat "esoteric" manner. It doesn't meant that they are autism activists.

I believe "identity" has more to do with your vision of yourself, rather than how you are seen and fit into society. Others may find this inseparable, but I don't.

I find it to be both.

I spent a lot of time trying to act NT to make it through school, but I never got very good at it. At this point in my life I put all of my energy into acting if I'm in a job interview type of situation and I let myself coast the rest of the time. I don't have the energy to act (poorly) all day long, and it doesn't help me to have everyone assume I'm NT and then think I'm an ass or having a nervous breakdown when I do something "wrong" unintentionally. I don't get what that has to do with my identity. Being autistic looks a thousand different ways depending on the person. I don't know what it's like to be anything other than what I am. If it looks like I'm trying to telegraph my autism to everyone it is not intentional, it's just my default state. I think that's true of most of us, but I don't know what it's like to be you. Either way, I'm 100% behind just being yourself. Pretending to be someone else is a waste of life.

The conformist researcher probably believes it would be easier for you to "fake it to make it" because for most people including some the spectrum this is true. He or she is ignoring or ignorent of evidence and testimony from Autistics than they can not fake it full time and even if they can it causes harmful effects such as depression and burnout.

Rant:
It bothers me no end that saying another person identifies as Autistic or Aspie is now considered an accusation specifically and identifying as Autistic or Aspie is now considered a negative. It is arrogent and condesending for someone to tell another person how to identify or not identify. Whether it is good or bad depends on how the individual uses their self identification. This "accusation" is applied inconsistantly. People paticipating or supporting the St. Patricks day parade or the Columbus Day parade are considered celebrating thier heritage not putting thier heritage over their personhood, people particitipating in an autism pride event are engaging in "identity politics" .

I'm a free-range aspie who does what's right for me. I think it's a lot better to do it this way, than to make myself miserable for the expense of the happiness of someone else.