I am so frustrated with my mom

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I am frustrated with my mom assuming I was just lazy enough to be in diapers at 5 and not talking until I was 3
I am frustrated with my mom holding back important information because she assumed I didn't need it and now the college process is even harder
I am frustrated with my mom not letting me have a job because she assumed I couldn't handle it even when I get offered jobs and now I have money to pay for college
I am frustrated with my mom telling me she won't allow me to have move in a roommate so I can live near by the local colleges
I am frustrated with my mom not listening to my former Therapist saying she needs to change
I am frustrated with my mom not taking my autism seriously and thinking I am just being stupid or silly

I know I will get over this but as for now right now I am just so angry

Whoa seems like your mom contradicts herself a bit.

Yeah, she isn't a bad person but she isn't good at being a mom. It like someone who shouldn't be a teacher becoming a teacher

Seriously? I'm interested in how NTs perceive autistic people, so would you mind taking us through this a little slower?

Do you really think she thought you were a lazy little kid when you were 3 and 5? That is, frankly, ridiculous. Like, really, really, dumb. If that's what she really thought I would love to hear her back that up. Or do you think she is just mean and she tells you that even though she knows better?

What information did she hold back?

She didn't want you to get a job when you were in high school? Were your grades bad? Did she know you were planning to go to college? Was she going to help you pay for it maybe?

What's this about the roommate and not living by the colleges? Does she want you to live at home?

What do you think her view of autism is? Anger aside, what do you think she really thinks?

Sorry for all the questions. I do realize you were venting. I just happen to be interested in this topic.

Could you reply again? It didn't go through last time. I think captcha got you.

My mother also just thinks I'm lazy, or not trying hard enough, or similar. She shouts at me if I am doing badly in social situations, or don't want to hug her or touch her. She tells me time and time again that I just think I am too good for everyone else. She also tells me that I am a awful and unfeeling person. She does not believe that there is anything actually different about me, despite keeping me back in preschool for lack of social skills. She also did not let me skip grades in primary school (even though it was recommended) for the same reason. If I don't understand the meaning of what she or others say, she says that I am being stupid on purpose, and that I should stop pretending to be ignorant.

I did not have any real friends until I was 13 years old. I don't want to ask her why she thinks this is, because she'll probably say that I am a horrible person, or I think that I am too superior to everybody else.

It can be hard for adults to accept that their kids are growing up into a person who does not match whatever they envisioned. I have a brilliant toddler. He's a toddler, not a teenager, so that's different, but I can tell you that when your kid is smarter than you, it can be hard to tell when the kid knows something and when they don't.

When your mom says specifically insensitive things, like that you are lazy, awful, unfeeling, etc, I would ask her to explain exactly why she thinks you are lazy, etc and then ask her to listen to what is really going on with you. Listen to her first and then tell her what's happening. People are usually more receptive to more information after they feel their side has been acknowledged. I mean, your mom actually doesn't get to tell you who or what you are anymore at this age, but there's no use telling her that. She won't be able to accept it.

As to the touching and hugging, you might want to give her a very detailed description of how you feel when that happens. You could write it down if it's difficult to explain. I myself was horrified when I first began to get a picture of what these things can be like for autistic people. I'm a hugger myself, so I was a serial offender of making other people uncomfortable before I realized it and made myself stop.

When you don't understand something, I would ask her FREQUENTLY for explanations. I don't care if it irritates her. She's taking a lot of information for granted and needs to get into the habit of seeing things another way. If she can look at things critically and learn how to explain things to you when you ask, this could go a long way towards you both understanding each other. If she accuses you of being cheeky by pretending to not understand, I would just stick to your point and continue to tell her that you really don't get it and would she please help you to understand whatever it is so you don't have to go look it up on your phone or computer.

Another thing that might be helpful to keep in mind is that being female can sometimes work as an unwanted camouflage for autism. Because of the heavy social expectations on females, autistic women often learn to pass as neurotypical as young children, without realizing it. It's stressful and confusing for the autistic person and it helps the people around them continue to treat them as though they were not autistic, which can increase the person's stress and confusion. It might be a good idea to read up on autism in females and to pay attention to what other autistic women and girls say about themselves.

I'm really impressed with the OP's ability to simply state the emotion that he's having without blowing it up. Also, his ability to recognize that his mother is human and fallible, and that this doesn't make her evil. I was not able to do either of those things until I was like, 30 years old.

I recently was horrified to be on the receiving end of a rant by a grandmother who was claiming her grandson, who was displaying delayed development, was simply lazy. It was awful even to witness. I feel so bad for that kid. You know its coming from a place of loving him and not wanting to admit he might have a disability, but its such a difficult place to go with that.

Not having friends isn't a sign of being evil. Its a sign of having autism. I will keep repeating this until I internalize it myself. Its really hard to believe, but its true. There is such a thing as evil people, but they are very good at manipulating, and usually have plenty of lacky friends.

I hope you do move into that roommate situation, OP. Its what people your age do, and its really important for Autistics to get some "trial run" time of living on our own before we dive all in. Not everyone, but a lot of us. We need time to try being an adult while still being able to run home, because we are going to mess it up more than average. But that doesn't mean we don't try, or don't benefit from doing so.

I hope your Mom comes around. Keep working with her. Parenting is hard! Its not surprising that everyone messes up with it sometimes.

Thank you very much for your advice. I'm very glad that you are generous enough to take the time to reply to me. Unfortunately, my mother and I have a very bad relationship (probably because of all the things I mentioned before). I don't like to talk to her unless completely necessary. I will probably just wait until I am an adult and can independently get a diagnosis. However, having people be kind to me, and allowing me to talk about ASD/Autism on Wrong Planet is very helpful for me. Thank you very much for listening to me and writing back.