Treated like a disorder, not a person

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I wasn't sure whether to post this here, or in The Haven, so I thought it would get more views here. Lately, within the past 2 months, my mother treats me like a disorder. I cannot do anything without her attributing it to AS. Any kinds of quirky, unusual, or frustrating behaviors are because of "the assburgers". If I don't like people coming up from behind me and touching me, it's because of "the assburgers". If I get upset at people for doing something to me, that I've asked them not to do a thousand times, it's "the assburgers". I am getting very sick and tired of this. When I express my feelings to her about the issue, she even attributes THAT to "the assburgers", and she runs off crying. I am not defined by a disorder, and a disorder does NOT define me. I am a person, an individual - and I wish to be treated as such, not as a disorder. I am able to have my own likes, dislikes, and personality, that are NOT dictated by a disorder. Has anyone ever experienced this before? How do you handle it?

I never thought I'd say it, but getting professionally diagnosed is probably the WORST thing thats happened to me in a long time.

I basically just ignore it. Although my mother is very kind to me and I can come to her for lots of things, sometimes she doesn't understand me. It could be that this'll go away after a while.

I wasn't diagnosed as a child (deliberately so--my mom went to great lengths), and when I was a teen, my parents, especially my stepfather, always blamed whatever they wanted on PMS, no matter what part of the monthly cycle I was actually on. That had the effect of being a blanket statement that could discount anything I said, anything I thought--including getting annoyed with them for blaming my legitimate feelings and viewpoints on PMS.

If they are determined to dismiss your thoughts and feelings, they will find a way to do it whether or not you have a diagnosis. They are wrong to do it, but there it is. Many parents of NTs will do a similar thing by saying, "You're just a child; what do you know?" (I also got that, mostly before they discovered the PMS excuse.)

BTW, in case you wonder if they're right: Asperger's doesn't change your perception of reality, nor does it affect which decisions you make (though it can cause problems with "decision overload"--picking a choice from among too many). Your parents are wrong: Asperger's doesn't cause you to make certain decisions, nor to have certain opinions. If they blame your inability to tolerate Horrid Sensation X on Asperger's, that's one thing. But if they blame your asking them to not deliberately expose you to Horrid Sensation X on Asperger's, that's not logical. You really DO get serious distress from people touching you or surprising you, possibly as much as a typical person might if they suddenly got stabbed with a knife. You have every right to ask them to find a way not to do things to you that create major stress.

Apparently they think that because you're AS, your experiences aren't "real". They'd probably also say that a depressed person should just cheer up, or a Down Syndrome kid should just study harder. They have apparently no clue that the appropriate response when someone's in distress thanks to having a weird nervous system is NOT to ignore it and keep doing whatever's causing the distress, in hopes that somehow it will go away! That's as silly as somebody poking you in the eye and saying, "Oh, you'll get used to it! You just have sensitive eyes!"

I hate that you're in this situation, I really do. Maybe they're in denial and just figure they can ignore it and make it go away, or they've mentally separated your Asperger's from you yourself, as though you somehow had two brains. Either way, they aren't doing the one thing they should be doing, and that is negotiating a way to accommodate your sensitivity, like maybe... oh, I don't know, coming up in FRONT of you instead of surprising you from behind? Sheesh, common decency, people.

I'm on the other side of the fence on that issue - I do believe that AS gives you a different perception of the world around you than most people have - the differences may be subtle, but over the long term, they add up to quite a bit. And those different perceptions would naturally influence your decision-making as well as the manner in which you form opinions and ideas in general. That's not to say of course, that everyone with AS is going to support the same political parties or agendas, but they likely will use a similar type of rationalization process to get to whatever position they do take. Same set of back roads, different destinations.

Its been noted that we have a tendency to interpret metaphoric statements more literally and concretely than most (especially as children), and I have to admit that even as an adult, though I'm fully aware when a metaphor is used in my presence, my brain always and without exception leaps to the most literal interpretation of the phrase, usually turning it immediately into some sort of pun. In know that not everyone around me thinks this way, because many of them can't understand a pun when they hear one. Does that tendency affect the way I construct thoughts and feelings and opinions? How could it not?

But if AS is a "different set of wiring" brain-wise, then it must affect everything about us to some extent, granted, much more in certain behavioral areas than in others. I'm not saying Aspies are predictable as robots, just that all our lives, whether or not we're conscious of it from moment to moment, we are seeing the world through Autistic colored glasses (kaleidoscope eyes).

Which might explain all the clumsiness.

I told my mom at 15 to stop saying what I do is part of Aspergers. She stopped. Now she rarely says it. Sometimes I wonder if she says it just so I will change that behavior. I just ignore it.

It's hard to ignore something when it comes from your mom. I would try to give advice, but I could only think of bad ideas, like call her an ass burger, or tell her you want an emancipation due to all her harassing. Or just find out what she's diagnosed with, and do the same thing to her. But don't do any of that, it might make things bad. Especially if you're too young to legally defend yourself.

Your mom's probably trying to be in denial or something, in a non-denial kind of way. She has no idea what it's like to be an ass burger, we don't always appear to be "there", when in reality we are equally or even more there than they are. So when she does blame something on the burgers, tell her she doesn't view you as a human anymore, and if she can't, then you don't know how to see her as a mom anymore. Though I don't know if you should say that, it really depends on your mom, who from what I know, is much less emotionally stable than you are.

Demand to her in no uncertain terms that you don't like her dismissing you.

QFT. I'd say that at least it being blamed on a disorder isn't quite as bad as just being told that you're horrible, but that would be kinda dismissive, and I'm not actually completely sure it's true anyways. They're both bad. People always find a way to dismiss anything they don't like.. if they don't use one way, you can bet they'll find another.

This is probably because of my incessant chatter about autism, but now when ever I mention a problem my son may be having or blowing off steam about something he's done or won't do, I always get-"Now,now all kids do that-it's not because he's autistic". The automatic assumption is I see everything about my son through the lens of autism. If someone else said the same thing they'd probably get "Ha ha ,you know how kids are".

Maybe you can turn it around in her face. Like if she asks you to do chores or for some favor, maybe you can say "I can't do chores. I'm an ass burger, remember? Now go out and buy me this video game."