People Obsessions VS Love

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I am female,43,recently DXed with AS.Until I was 39,I had a lot of relationship problems that I could not understand.This was the pattern that kept repeating from 16 to about 32(when I decided to stay away from relationships and become a "crazy cat lady")


I would see someone and become obsessed with them.I would think about them all the time,fantasize about them,have imaginary conversations with them(practicing).I would become a simi-stalker,trying to be in a place I knew they might be,just to have the chance to see them or hear their voice.I would bore anyone who would listen about every thing I knew about the person and try and find out more from them.

I would eventually ,get drunk and get up the courage to approach the person and "hit on them".Sometimes I would just get shot down,sometimes they would act interested,have sex with me and never call again.Sometimes....they would like me back(or at least my "worship and attention" of them?)

For those I would end up dating(7),for over 6 mths to a year,I would stay obsessed with them for months.They could do no wrong.We would be best friends and joined at the hip(I think a few might have had AS,or at least traits)We would rarely fight about anything,except my insecurities and lack of trust.I never really believed that they could love me forever and felt it was a matter of time before they dumped me,no matter how nice they were to me.

Then,it seemed out of nowhere....I would no longer be interested.I would start getting bored and thinking about drinking and the thrill of a new romance(might even have seen someone that peaked my interest,though I would never act on it until afterwards but the guilt of even being interested in someone else,made me end the relationship with the boyfriend.)They were confused(They didnt suspect that I was emotionally insane?)How could I go from being best friends to not loving them any more.I couldnt fake it,I tried to deny my feelings because I liked them as people and didnt want to hurt them,but it never worked.It was over.



Now,I know this sounds like some sappy pop song..."I've Lost That Loving Feeling"(wretches into garbage can),but I have another theory I have been wondering about.Was I confusing "love" with "aspie obsession".Where these people really "objects" to me?I know some obsessions just seem to "die" and we move onto the next one.I have had several object obsessions and many "topic/information" obsessions......is this the same thing?

Anyone relate or not,theories,etc?

Yes, somewhat similar situation here, though I could stay obsessed for more than a year, but I too often had the sudden losses of interest. Sometimes my feelings could change overnight, I would go to sleep obsessed and wake up not interested. In retrospect, I wonder if any of the times I "loved" someone, if I really loved them, or was it just AS obsession? Viewing the emotion I was feeling as obsession makes a lot of sense, looking back. But, I think when NTs talk about "falling in love" they are talking more about obsession with love mixed in. Then their obsession falls away and they just feel the love. But in the majority of my cases, I think I just had the obsession, and it lasted a lot longer than it seems to for NTs.

One difference I have from you is that I absolutely hated the initial period of getting to know a significant other. There was never any thrill for me, in it. The thrill came from maintaining the obsession.

i would describe my "courtship" style as similar to yours... but i have never experienced the lack of interest* in them that seems to come to you after a while... though my relationships have only lasted in the 6 mo-3yr range.

*--unless they have warrented my disinterest via deception/any other unbearble BS that has just built up

i think there is a closer relationship between love/obsession and the conscious/subconcious mind than our concious minds (and conscience!) want us to know about.

I bet there's loads of sad Aspie blokes in there dying for a lady to get obsessed with them just so they can get a ride.*

*Not including moi. Well, it depends.

Maybe,but I doubt they would like the getting dumped "out of the blue".


I also wanted to mention,that some of my obsessions did last over 10 years,when the person was someone who dumped me before I got to live out my obsession.I would run into a couple of them from time to time(one,8 years later)and try again,but they would leave before I got bored with them,so the obsession remained just as intense.

Also,I was not "obsessed" with my current boyfriend.I thought he was intelligent,attractive,etc,but I just liked him at first and eventually felt as close to love as I have ever been.I have not gotten "bored" with him.This feels totally different and is part of the reason I begain wondering about past relationships being "not love".

No, but if they knew beforehand it would be awesome for both parties.

And now I shall leave it here, lest I start coming across as a little creepy.

yeah, i know what you mean... sorry for making it sound like you "got bored"...

i have walked away from many men "randomly"... but i would still say that my obsession was still there.. if that makes sense..

my grasp of people is fragmented and separated... yet when i do make a connection... it stays. so for what ever "rational" reason i leave a guy... there's no renegotiating it... yet i can still say, i fanatsize about that person and maintain certain feelings about them w/o ever wanting to be in anything like a relatonship with them ever again. just like i have no qualm about finding another person to obsess over.

Well I certainly feel as though get obsessed with certain girls in terms of thinking about them a lot but not to semi stalker levels of knowing everything about them

I think all of them have come about from the girl actually speaking to me as to have a girl speak to me is such a rare event that I become overwhelming over attached to them I should be realistic and accept that no women would be interested in me as im ugly, boring, weedy glasses wearing nerd and despite having good qualifications do not have a job

It sounds like you are in love with the feeling of being in love and the accompanying hormones.

I used to enjoy guys chasing me, but I didn't particularly want to be caught. That was more ego gratification. I was very particular about serious relationships and didn't form one easily.

krex, I can definitely relate with this. I've had quite a few obsessions with people and then all of sudden it would just be gone and I'd move on to the next obsession. I can see the logic in calling them "object obsessions". It seems like it might be a somewhat common female Aspie trait.

I get obsessed with people

I think this is something of what I mean by love being forever. But, I'm not the leaving type, and when someone walks away, I usually want them back. Sometimes, I end up with mixed feelings (like with my wife), but deep down I miss the hell out of them.

think we're on same page...

i still love the guys (whom i'm no longer with)... if i sit and meditate on certain thoughts... i can feel all gushy about any one of them all over again... but empirical evidence tells me... that i probably shouldn't get back together with them... that being said, it takes A LOT for me to leave anyone... and as i have said before, it's most often due to some serious unproductive fighting

it's this same kind of separate-yet-mixed use of emotions that makes me feel like i could be in a polyamorous relationship... yet i have not too often come across another person who would have this same mentality...

so by default... im 99.9% of of the time in a monogomous relationship (when i'm even in a relationship, that is)... cause i have no desire to have multiple partners when the person (object) of my obsession has no inclination towards this type of set up... it's not something that is the norm in society...

but meh... more often than not, one guy is enough lol

I have had a few obsessive unrequited infatuations that messed me up a little and were good fodder for songwriting..One of them once brought to fruition turned out to be a complete disaster..we dated for 6 months and did not get along...I would still like to be his friend, but he hates me.

I had one a few years ago that lasted for about 5 years that knocked me on my ass....it was HORRIBLE....It felt like I was being stabbed in the chest with an invisible dagger..... I actually dated the guy for 3 months..and he dumped me after I had a nervous breakdown...(can't say as I blame him).....Gads I was a freak..I would obsessively write these horrid long rambling letters to him..He said we could remain friends and I could write..he moved to another city...and maybe once in a blue moon I would recieve a brief one-pager or post card from Spain...and then he would call once in a while when he came into town...that was just enough to egg me on...(i even had dreams about him before he would show up..it got to be predictable..i am not kidding)...THEN he moved back to town and started calling me...a healthy stable 2-year relationship i was in crumbled....He had no interest in getting back together with me,but I think he was flattered by my my dogged devotion and all the gifts that I would lavish on him....and he would basicly use me for my affections and then ditch me once things got too weird or he found someone better....It was like a brain disease...It had an extremely adverse effect on my mental well-being, and it seemed as though I had little to no control over it...I felt like i needed a lobotomy or something....the fact that he occasionally reciprocated made it impossible for me to mentally detach myself from him...
I have a whole comic series I wrote about it..as well as a few rants about the dangers of this kind of attachment and ways in which it might possibly be avoided....I am so lucky it is gone...and it went away kinda fast...he went to France...and my feelings sorta evaporated...poof.......

i hope I never go through anything like that again..well i did sorta...once...but (see above)..didnt work out...and no traces remain....

I am in a very good reciprocative relationship now.

Lol, done the whole long, rambling letters and gifts thing myself, poopy. I have had these obsessions since I was about 12/13. They can be acutely painful. They do involve genuine emotion on my part sometimes, often very intense emotion. I do not think it is for anyone to say what someone does and does not feel and do not believe a person obsession=the same as an object obsession and therefore no love involved. I loved and obsessed over a man for 9 months and with me, the feeling of love for those I obsessed over doesn't die, it remains there in the background, long after the obsession has died off.

Like you, Krex, I have to know all I can about the person I am obsessed with and tend to turn up where they are once I work out the places they go to...but, well, that has only happened with 1 person so far really anyways and it wasn't too difficult since they only go to the local art gallery, library and main food store, all of which I went to anyway.

I have found the only way to deal with these is to try and control the behaviour and to not force yourself to break the obsession as in my experience, that results in quite a depression and withdrawal like symptoms.

I've been doing something like that for the past two years, over one single girl. It's not been fun, and I suspect that when I see her again next month, it may well end with me falling apart all over again. Yay me!