Are my non-autistic children going to suffer?

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This is my first time posting here. I do not want this to come off as selfish or snotty but I need some advice! I am a concerned mom wanting to make the best decision for my children and their future! My fiancé's 11 year old son is non communicative, non verbal, severely autistic. He is somewhat self sufficient in he can dress himself when he is told to do so and can eat by himself (although there are very few things he will eat) but is basically not independent at all besides that. I love him and have developed a bond with him that I never thought was possible... I have two young children of my own who are 6 and 9. They have also bonded with fiancé's son and are great with him. They had never been around anyone with autism prior to him but have never treated him differently at all. They try to help him and include him at all times. It all seems great how well our families have come together.

But I'm starting to worry about the future and what will happen. I'm really afraid that my kids are going to miss out on things and suffer because of their future step brother's autism. They have see him act out, scream, hit himself, hit me, touch strangers, and all the other crazy behavior that goes along with this. And they seem ok. I talk to them about his autism all the time and want them to feel like they can ask me any questions or tell me if they are feeling uncomfortable. My biggest issue right now is when he gets frustrated and pinches, hits, pushes one of them when they are trying to help him. He's a big kid, bigger than me, and has really hurt my daughter a few times. I know he can't help it and doesn't understand but how do I explain to my kids that they just have to put up with it?

Then comes the fact that I worry they are going to miss out on things. My fiancé wants us to ALWAYS do everything as a family. Which means if his son acts up or gets freaked out we all have to leave wherever we are immediately. So I find my children missing out on family get togethers, my son's football games, team parties, dinners out, etc. Is that just being selfish? I know it sounds that way but I WANT them to get to experience all these things and I'm terrified they'll look back one day and blame me if they miss out on stuff they should get to do because of this new step brother in their life.

Any advice anyone can give me would be great! Thank you!

My older brother feels this way about me. He sort of thinks I "destroyed" his childhood, in a way. Because of my autism.

It's a hard balancing act.

Many times, though, kids actually form a bond with disabled siblings or step-siblings. Especially if they are educated on what is "disabling" that sibling.

If he is able to dress himself, feed himself, and is toilet-trained, he is definitely able to benefit from sibling relationships. This kid will, definitely, provide "teaching moments" for your "typical" children.

In short yes, your non-autistic kids are going to suffer in this life. But not because their new brother is autistic. They are going to suffer because they are human. That's the nature of human existence. Our choices are constrained by physical reality. We lose things we love. We fall down. We have needs that don't get met.

Its ok to hurt. Its ok to not have a perfect, blissful childhood.

Blending families is hard, but please don't be influenced by all of that BS you see about autistic kids being a reasonable motivation for suicide or homocide - or both. The idea that there are more divorces among families with an autistic member has been debunked, too. All families have challenges. The only thing that an autism dx tells you is what kind of challenges you are likely to face.

That being said, I think there are some things that your blended family would benefit from. First off, you have two parents now. That means that someone can go home with your autistic son and someone else can stay at the event. What kind of message does that send your NT (neurotypical) kids if every event is cut off when someone else is ready to go? It says that they don't matter - their needs don't matter. That's a recipe for growing a broken adult. So really, you have to start the negotiation process with your husband. How are you going to meet the special needs of ALL of your children?

Secondly, that hitting has to stop. Your children deserve to be safe. I suggest making sure that your kids have a locked door to go behind. And that you have a hand signal you can give them to leave the room when your step son is escalating. Its not OK to be pinched or anything in your home. Take their safety needs seriously. Never tell them it doesn't matter that they got hurt. It does matter. I really think you need to employ a behavior specialist to address this issue. Like, now. Emergency kind of stuff. Puberty is hard on autstic people and its much easier if you've already established that we don't hit our siblings before he goes through it.

We all have special needs. We all have things that are super important to our health and well being. I'm guessing that your fiance hasn't thought of it this way. But not being dx-ed with autism doesn't make this less true for your kids. Especially after blending a family - every kid is going to show up in their worst way a least a little bit. Its just a stressful thing, even if its a good stress, its still a stress.

Maybe you and your fiance can sit down and make a family IEP for your NT kids. (Or an IHLP -individual home-life plan. I totally just made that up.) List their strengths and weaknesses. Note where you would like for them to improve and grow. Commit to take action towards helping them on their learning edges. Take note of the things that are important to them and commit to spending as much time on their strengths as you do their weaknesses. Give your kids as much consideration as your new son.

Thank you for the advice that actually makes me feel better about how I'm feeling! That is exactly what I'm saying... that I want my two children to always feel just as important as their new brother. My fiancé gets upset when I suggest one of us stay home with his son or leave early from events with him if necessary so the other two can stay. He says if one member of the family has an issue and needs to leave we should all do the same or it is "not fair". He is wonderful with my kids but when it comes down to the bottom line... he ALWAYS think his son's needs should come first "because he is autistic" and that my kids should "be understanding of that". I keep trying to explain to him they are still children! That is not how they see things! I'm very frustrated and want to do whatever it takes to get our family on track again. How do I go about finding a counselor or someone who could maybe sit down and talk to my fiancé and I and discuss some of these disagreements?

I think that this kind of conflict is very common in newly blended families and that it should be pretty easy to find a counselor to help you set up reasonable expectations and a plan. I really like psychologytoday.com 's directory. Shrinks have to pay to stay on it, so not all your area's counselors will be there. But what's nice about it is that you can search for areas of expertise and you get a picture and a little blurb about their treatment style. Best case scenario, you get a counselor who is also knowledgable about autism. But getting a behavior specialist to deal with the hitting/pinching should be separate. For that professional, you are more likely to get a good reference from your local autism support group.

Yes, they will suffer, but don't forget the autistic child will suffer the most of all. He will suffer greatly.

I think the fact that he was introduced to your kids and they accepted him makes a big difference, rather than if he had been a biological sibling they had been "stuck" with their whole lives and had no choice. I mean as far as him being a part of the family ruining things for him.

It's okay to be strict with him. My parents have always been very gentle and understanding, but also very firm. It's a good combo. Honestly these days looking back, I'm thankful of their reasonable strictness and that I was not neglected in that way. I know it can be difficult for my parents catering to my special needs while at the same time not spoiling me.

Siblings of spectrum kids have some really cool attributes that you don't see in otherwise-brought-up people. I've seen siblings (as children and adults) be much more accepting and flexible in life, probably because they had to deal with someone who is different. In conversation, many times I've seen them fill in seamlessly for their spectrum sib in answering questions or talking. They just know the limits of their sib and are able to roll with it in ways that it's hard to imagine someone else doing so elegantly.

There's probably negative cases too (sorry about your brother's feelings, Wolfman) but then again no one has a perfect childhood. And, a perfect childhood prepares no one for anything.

I think they will because of your husband's idea of a family. His son has autism, that doesn't mean it should be a burden to your kids so if he gets overwhelmed, he should be removed from the situation and one of you stay. This could lead to resentment from your children if your husband keeps it this way. It can also teach them the wrong idea about disabilities like "normal" people don't matter and their feelings don't matter and everything should be catered to special needs first and that can give them a negative view on disabilities.

I also think your husband is giving his son the wrong idea too about his autism. He is learning that because he is autistic, everything is catered to him. He isn't learning to deal with reality. If he has a sensory overload, fine, but he needs to learn that he is responsible and it's his problem, not his siblings or other people so he needs to remove himself from that situation. Then when he is an adult he will learn that if there is a place he can't go to, he stays home and doesn't make anyone else not go there. Unless his own friends or family want him with, then that is when they have to pick a place he can handle. My family used to take two cars to places when my anxiety was bad so that way if I got anxious because I got bored or was ready to leave but was stuck there, one of my parents left with me. Then when I got my license, I would drive myself to places following my family. Everyone was happy and I wasn't a burden to my brothers or to my parents.

A-lot of people Especially Allistic Parents. Don't understand this they think they are the only ones suffering.

I second both these comments.

I usually either fight then run away or run away.

Yeah, like all the supposedly sympathetic comments such as "I feel so much compassion for you when your little 8 year old bullies you and screams" when that kids actually is having a sensory overload and his pain receptors are being overwhelmed.

Another reason to teach the younger kids to simply clear out of the room when their big brother goes into meltdown. Less stuff going on in the room to pick at those sensitivities.

I will, however, take exception to this idea that autistic people have more pain than other humans. One thing I've learned is that everyone has a story. And everyone experiences pain that we don't know about. Its not just a problem for autistic people. Its true for everyone. So playing this "we have more pain than everyone else" thing is just playing into the Autism Speaks style of making us into poor pitiful disabled people who require extinction. That's not true at all!

I don't think anyone said anything about having "more" pain than others. They just pointed out that the autistic person is suffering also, not MORE than, and pointed out that while the parents and others may suffer, it's often forgotten that the autistic one is also not having a picnic during that meltdown, that's all. Nobody said "more."

Birdinflight said... " don't think anyone said anything about having "more" pain than others."

"The autistic child will suffer most of all" seems pretty much like saying he'll suffer "more" that his nautistic step siblings to me.