How do you deal with people misinterpreting your mood?

Post Reply New Topic

Yesterday I was over at a friend's house, and when I arrived, there was something about the way she had arranged some furnishings that just seemed very out of place to me, and I found it really distracting and started looking around a lot. Later she complained to me in an email that I was looking everywhere but her (true) and seemed cross at her (not at all true!).

This happens to me all the time - people come to me a lot after the fact and tell me they thought I was angry at them, or cross at them, or whatever just generally in a bad mood - and I wasn't! This is sooooo frustrating to know I'm coming off to people like I'm pissed off, and I'm not. Does this happen to anyone else on here? How do you deal with it? I guess I want to let people know before-hand (or at least after-the-fact, if they tell me afterwards they thought I was pissed) to please have some patience with me, understand that I don't always convey emotions well, etc. but I just think this has a limited effect on people - like they might give you some latitude once or twice but after that they just can't help thinking you're pissed and they react accordingly.

Yes, in fact I get this constantly from my mother in law.

The best you can do is tell them that your facial expression doesn't always match your feelings, and you're not 100% certain why that is, but to please talk to you if something you're doing is making them uncomfortable. This may or may not help. If the person is not able to talk to you about this though, it's a pretty good indicator of whether or not they're worth your time.

Also, (just because you mentioned it) it's not rude to walk into someone's home and ask "did you change something, because your place looks different". Maybe if she'd be able to explain the change it wouldn't have been so distracting? Just be prepared though, some people like to go on and on about "why they moved this vase in front of the window" and the significance of it, ect...

I tend to blow raspberries at people who do that. I guess that is not very adult of me.

Funny you say that, it's my almost 3 year old's favorite response to many things. Honestly, if the person you're dealing with has a sense of humor it's probably a great tension breaker. If they don't however....

When people misinterpret my mood, I don't deal with it at all. I just ignore it, like I do all of the things that really don't contribute anything to what's important to me.

I can't think of a specific incident where someone said I seemed sad or upset (I guess my mom might say it from time to time), but I do worry that I come across that way. I really don't want to be seen as an uncaring and unhappy person, because that's not what I am. I have a feeling that I might be seen in this way, and it really bothers me. There's also some people who I find myself incapable of showing any emotion toward. When it comes to some people I know, I feel I communicate adequately, but for some others, no matter how long I've known them, I can't communicate with them or display any emotion (which probably comes across as annoyed, bored, or unsympathetic).

Well, at times I am sad and/or upset, so when people intrepret my mood as being those things when they are not, then their timing is just off. Welcome to my world, NTs.

Last edited by dyingofpoetry on 26 Jul 2010, 12:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Heh heh heh. I was sitting here, thinking about how to respond to this and my husband walked over to open a window and asked me if I was okay. I said yes, and he said that I looked sad. Heh heh heh. Good timing or what? He said that was ironic... full of iron. Heh. He is one of the easy ones to deal with where my face is concerned. I wish everyone would be so agreeable and believe me when I tell them nothing is wrong.

That sort of thing happens to me as well. People often think I am angry or depressed or something when I am not. I tell them nothing is wrong, and mostly they do not believe me. When I am in class or something and someone does that, I just tell them I am tired or I have a cold or something. That satisfies their curiosity and they stop talking to me... added bonus for me. I do not bother explaining to people I do not really know or care about. It is easier to tell them what they want to hear and be done with it.

For people who are more involved in my life, I have tried explaining to them that I do not try to look mad or sad, it is just that my face seems to forget to reflect the right attitude of what is going on around me. I let them know that sort of thing is common among people on the spectrum... that our faces do not always reflect emotion in the same way that their face does. I might be really happy about something and look completely deadpan... that my words are what they should use to gauge how I feel, not my face. I also like to ask them if I am an honest person, if I am good for telling them how I feel about them or events in my life. They tell me I am. Then I tell them not to worry because if I was mad at them or sad about something I would tell them. In the case of my husband, just telling him what I am doing is enough for him. He knows me well enough to know that the last thing I am thinking about is facial expression when I am doing something. He knows how I am.

If someone kept insisting that things are wrong, I just assure them nothing is wrong and I eventually stop talking. Yes, they get annoyed by that but then I tell them that I cannot make them believe what they refuse to. There is no point in arguing with them or continuing to explain at that point. They think what they think. I know what I know. If I am feeling particularly smarmy, at that point I might manage to say, "Well I was alright, but now your pestering has me all pissed off. There... satisfied? Now you have an honest answer that you will believe."

This is what I try to do too. The problem is that I think I come off as insincere when I do this. I get really self-conscious - when I say these things, I feel like I am lying. Not because I am lying, but because I feel in advance like they're going to think I'm lying. The other problem is that often when people tell me I seem pissed, not just after the fact but in the moment, THAT pisses me off. So its like I wasn't pissed during the moment they're talking about, but I am pissed when I'm trying to deny it - that makes it that much more unbelievable to them.

Yes, that's exactly what I meant above - its like being told I'm pissed... makes me pissed. Argh!

I have gotten better at telling people that I am not in a social mood or can't pretend to be able to listen. Sometimes I can't focus and it is better to stay alone than try to fake it. I'm tired of explaining, saying no it isn't you it is that noise outside, the ten car accidents I almost had on the way over, or the bug that chased me in the door. I hardly ever make plans, I never want to do it when it comes time.

I would just correct them and if they don't listen, they must be too stupid to listen or they have some sort of cognitive problem that keeps them from grasping.

omg all the time! i usually just let it go- i dont have much interest in trying to prove myself to people or argue my case like ive done something wrong just for being me. i usually tell them that it isnt the way theyve claimed, but i dont go overboard and if they choose not to believe me or keep going on about it then...meh im not gonna argue

I crack a joke about my good looks: "If you look as good as me, you don't have to smile, all the time." and laugh it off.

I had this issue a lot during my adult life. Finally, a friend of mine who's a speech pathologist worked with me and a mirror. This way when I am walking around I don't look angry or mean or sad. Now I have people tell me I always look so happy.
I guess people just want to always comment on how you look - either way.

i just leave the scence completley. nothing like a quick escape to fix any situation you are in