Disrespectful father

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I will try not to ramble on too much and I'll try to get right in to it. My father has shown zero interest in my issues. He demands unconditional respect although seems to give me very little to none. The more I stand up for myself, the more he puts me down and calls me stupid in his own words. he says things like "your brain doesn't work, that's why I'm here to help you. All the help I ask from him is immediately dismissed and he gives me the "help" he thinks I need. Then when I tell him politely that that's not the help he asks for, he says, "You're my son and I'm not going to give up on you." This irritates me beyond belief. I'm constantly planning (sometimes for months) how to approach him about it in a calm rational way. Then he tells me why his opinion is reality and mine is completely delusional. I asked him to stop talking to be and he went on a rampage about how mean I was being. Yet he just did this to his mother. How can he do the same thing and then condone me for it? I tell him I have a certain way of doing things and if anyone interferes and changes them, it throws me off balance and I lose things or forget things that can be very important. Then I get in trouble when I can't follow through with them. I can't handle the stress and guilt he puts on me for not seeing the world the same way he does. I've told him numerous times to leave me alone yet he continues to call me, text me, and even use my little sister as a pawn to provoke a response out of me. I consider this emotional and psychological abuse and harassment. There are sooooooo many more details and examples I can go in to, but has anyone else experienced this, or have advice as to what I can do? I'm at the end of my rope here.

We need more info here.

How old are you?

Are you living at home?

What "help" do you ask for and what "help" does he offer? What sorts of things is this all about?

Do you have a therapist or social worker (or even a doctor) who does "get it" where your needs are concerned, and could speak up as an advocate for you?

Are you on the autism spectrum? If you are, how long have you and your family known?

These are things we really need to know before we can even start to get involved.

I'm 30. I've been forced/manipulated in to moving within about a mile of my dad by his choice with great reluctance. When I invited him over to the group home I was living in at the time to present my diagnosis and concerns to him, he could not have been less interested, or more disrespectful in my opinion. He was staring at his phone the entire time I was telling him. He became enraged when I asked him to at least look at me and pretend interested. Since then, he has kept very close tabs on the therapists I've gone to. Mistakenly I asked him to help me find one on several occasions. Somehow it's always been arranged that the therapist contacts him to schedule my appointments. Not sure why. This leads to constant arguments about whether I'm going to go or not and this makes me very hesitant to "comply". Any time I talk about moving somewhere else he tells me how hard it is to find a place and brickwalls me. Somehow he found the place I'm living in within less than a week so it must not be that hard. He's constantly telling me my situation will not improve if I do not follow his "advice" to a t. Every place I look at to move to, he finds out everything horrible he can about that place. I'm in the process of transitioning to a therapist that specializes in Asperger's. My family has known about my diagnosis for almost 2 years now and everyone seems to be very supportive besides my dad. For about 5 years I've been expressing my suspicion that I may be autistic and am usually told something along the lines of "I don't think so, you're just really shy." Just last night I told him to stop talking to me and now less than 24 hours later, the entire family knows and is "concerned". I can only begin to wonder what he told them as he is very prone to exaggerating and embellishing the truth. I can't remember everything I've asked for help with as it's honestly been a lot of things but I will try my best to recall as many as possible. He always drills this concept in to me that he only wants the help he asks for. Yet when I ask for help, he demands on giving me the help he thinks I need, which usually does not coincide with the help I ask for. I'm terrified of using the phone so sometimes I will ask him if he can call assisted living communities for me, or at least to do some research for me to find some options. His typical response is that I need to do this on my own, even though it is nearly impossible for me to take on a task that seems so monumental to me. I ask him to allow me to do things according to my own methods, which work for me and get the job done. He refuses to allow me to do so. Everything leads to an argument. I ask him to take me to the hospital when I get very bad like when I can't take care of myself or become extremely depressed and suicidal. He tells me that it's not an option and to either wait it out or deal with it like everyone else. I ask him for specific help with certain tasks and he takes that as an invitation to completely take over and shut me out. I find this disrespectful and a little belittling. I asked him to help me get on disability and he told me I was on my own. I do my very best to explain to him my difficulties in such things and he just dismisses them and tells me to find a way to do them on my own. Recently I had plans to go with my little sister to visit my grandmother who is very old and close to dying. My dad refuses to talk to his mother so this made it that much harder. I organized a trip and everything was finalized. My stepmother, my sister's mom, stepped in and asked to change the plans slightly, so I asked my dad how to politely decline so as not to be rude to her. What a mistake that was. I got yelled at and put down for a good 20 minutes about how I was making things difficult for everyone. Turns out she hijacked my plans and completely changed them, inviting along some of her friends, which I wouldn't have minded, but she was very dishonest about it from the start. Her offer was merely to drive us instead of us taking the train. I thought the train would have been a fun little adventure for us. I asked my dad what to do about it and received another 20 minute verbal beating. Yet again I was being "difficult". Every time I ask him for help finding a new place to live, he explains how hard it is and tells me once I find a place he will help me move there. I don't know how to talk to people on the phone, especially not involving renting a place. Somehow he managed to get me in to this place in a week. I'm miserable here and all he does is tell me what a great place to live it is. He doesn't spend any time here, how would he know? The walls and floors/ceilings are paper. I can constantly hear everything my neighbors are saying and doing. This is not good for me. I ask him to help me find a place where this isn't such a big problem. He refuses and tells me to deal with it like everyone else. Hopefully I'm not rambling too much, but please let me know if you'd like to know more.

Do you think your father may be on spectrum?

The problem is not the solution and the solution is not the problem.

If your father is "the problem", then he cannot be part of the solution (e.g. by helping you with things, like finding a place further away from him where he has less opportunity to control everything you do).

If he is "the solution" (i.e. accepting whatever help he does give is your best option), then the real problem is not his behavior but the lack of other options available to you. Expanding your options / capabilities may be more realistic than trying to change long established behavior patterns in a grown man.

I'd say, make up your mind which one it is, and act accordingly.
BTW, many people can convert anger and even hate into "positive energy" i.e. motivation and power to push oneself and do stuff they didn't think they could. If you're like that, I'd say use that energy. It doesn't even matter if it's fair on him, if it can help you become more independent it will ultimately benefit everyone.

Just my $0.02, YMMV, use at your own risk.

That's what I was thinking too.

I've had a lot of sets of family members who don't get along because they're too much alike. I think it's usually the fault of the older family member. You should be able to see yourself in a younger person and know how to bridge the gap.

Can you write out what you like and what you don't like, what you appreciate and what you want on a piece of paper and ask your dad to do the same? This is like a counseling trick and he may not want to do it, but if you get your mom on your side she may be able to get him to do it.

Things on paper don't turn into arguments as easy, so he might see your point of view easier. And including things you like and appreciate about him and what he does will make him more likely to listen. You can include things he used to do that you liked and appreciated if you're short on current things.

And if he does the same maybe you can figure out what he's getting at when he's being unreasonable. Maybe he has good initial ideas that he's going about the wrong way. Or maybe he things something is a problem and it isn't.

Time to necro my own thread. I've been away for a while.

He most likely is, and his father probably was too.



Most of my therapists have suggested the writing it out thing in one form or another and it's always been unsuccessful. The first time he refused to read it. The second time he read it and said he wasn't going to do it. The third time, I figured why bother so I didn't even try. Well, it's been a while since things were as bad as when I started this thread and things have improved quite a bit. We went for a few months without talking, which i deliberately initiated, and things were a lot better when we started talking again. I've stopped asking him for help and told him I want no help from him. Anyways, thanks for all the good advice and support. Sorry to leave you hanging for so long.

You could always confront him and ask him what the problem is. imho Confronting someone might be a good idea.