Denial: Effects and Responsibility of Parents

Post Reply New Topic

Have you experienced denial from your family over possibility or diagnosis of ASD? To what extent do you think denial has damaging effects on children? What are your thoughts on the responsibility of parents to help their children?

I am undiagnosed, but have suspected that I have Asperger's Syndrome or some other form of ASD for 6 years. A close friend has recently confirmed that I have many behaviours which may indicated the existence of ASD (she has researched the subject). However, when I approached my parents with my suspicions of ASD (4 years ago) they forcefully denied that I have any signs of ASD, despite keeping me down in preschool for lack of social skills and underdeveloped motor coordination! Both parents are medical doctors, so it cannot be a matter of education (or lack thereof). If I express my confusion about social interaction, stim in their presence, or request not to be hugged (I don't like it), they tell me to stop acting stupid, or that I am a selfish and have no empathy.

It would seem to me that my parents are in denial about the possibility I might have ASD. I also think that their inability or unwillingness to accept this has been damaging to me - instead of looking at my behaviour and trying to help me develop techniques to function better, they have angrily refuted any possibilities that I have ASD and continually criticise and berate me over my lack of social skills and inability to behave in a 'normal' way. Through doing this, they establish me as a 'bad' person who purposefully and selfishly tries to upset others.

My relationship with my parents is limited and negative because of this; I find it hard to be around them, and would not say that I view them with love. Thoughts?

For a long time (~15 years) I had the opposite problem. It wasn't my parents who were in denial, it was me. I think it probably had a bit to do with the way it was presented to me. They dumped it all on me and dragged me to a specialist in a very short period of time, without giving me time to process or understand it. It didn't help that the specialist they took me to was patronizing and treated me like a child (I was 18 at the time). At that time, most of what I knew about autism was the clinical definition, some of the myths, and the stigma.

I went into deep denial about it for a very long time. It wasn't till the last year or so that I started to come across things that made me think maybe I should give it some fresh consideration. Once I started learning about it, got past the myths, and especially started reading things from actual autistic sources, things really started to click for me. My life has started to make sense. Now I kind of regret the fact that I was in denial for so long. I probably denied myself some accommodations that would have benefitted me.

I know my story probably doesn't help you but I can understand your situation as well. The funny thing is, now that I have accepted it, I've come to realize that my mother doesn't really understand the depth of my issues. In the past I've tried to hide/mask most of my issues as best I can. I was usually too embarrassed to bring them up (since they sound so weird to most people). Now, when I try to talk about them with my mother she just blows them off saying things like "everyone has trouble with that" or "no one likes that". While those comments may be accurate, I don't think she understands the extent that these things bother me. It feels very dismissive and I just end up feeling hurt and misunderstood after trying to talk to her. I've kind of given up for the moment.

As for your case, I think your parents may be in denial and possibly don't understand autism. Even among competent medical professionals there is often a poor understanding of autism. There is also the stigma. Just a thought, but maybe next time that they deny it you should ask them specifically WHY they don't think you have it and be prepared to refute their argument where appropriate.

Thank you for your insights. Unfortunately, I don't really want to discuss it with my parents further (even though I probably need help) because I need to live with them at the moment. They think I'm fabricating my Aspie behaviours anyway, or would like to think that, so presenting my symptoms to them will do nothing.

Thank you, though!

yeah my parents have this thing about "personality types" so allocated everything to being an "isfj" which when tested for that type, i am indeed given. i dont like this system, but basically they chalked everything weird up to it, so never tested me. i know this because i told them all the different signs of autism and such and they were like "well F**k" and told me this was the case, they even, thinking back, identified all the symptoms and traits that are needed to have it. hell it even runs in the family (my dads side) my half brother has it (with big surpirise, my dad is the father of my half brother, my mother hasn't anything to do with him). so i got tested (well initial tested) and came up highly likely to the point where im now getting officially tested, like they do this test where you have to get 6 of 10 at least to be put in for the official test, i scored 9 of 10, which is actually wrong, because when i told my parents about it they said i answered wrong, as the one i said no to they siad was just like me......oops, that would have seemed too unrealistic though.


i think they kinda knew but didnt really want it to be true, as it took a while for my mother to come to terms with it and believe it. and my dad comes up as almost autistic in online tests, and he's pretty sure some of his relatives are autistic.


I think denial hurts your kid, as for me it resulted in years and years of self doubt and hatred, thinking i couldnt do anything and it was my own fault for being useless, and i wasn't trying hard enough, turns out thats not true, and all that damage to me mentally could have been avoided if my parents just didnt denie it

Sometimes I doubt myself that I'm an aspie and think that the doctors made a mistake diagnosing me, because I don't really appear that autistic at first glance, and my parents almost never talk about it. But then I think about my social problems, meltdowns, and obsessions, and then I finally convince myself that I'm autistic.

Quote from my mother: "You were just a normal kid who read newspapers at age 4." Reading the encyclopedias instead of playing outside didn't seem too unusual either...

Thank you all for your responses. Would you say that an adult, especially a parent, is responsible for regulating their own emotions so as not to be mislead by their preconceptions, particularly when it comes to their children? I find it strange that parents (who are supposed to be taking care of their offspring) would indulge their own wishes at the expense of getting the necessary help for their children. Am I being too biased, or is this fair?

My Biological mom, (Who is also fits traits of sociopathy) was in denial and infact directly told the doctors their wrong My biological dad, and step mom are/were not.

My parents do this. They pretend like my issues don't exist or that I'm just exaggerating. They've shut me down in conversation before, and they've denied the repercussions of having undiagnosed problems. It made me feel pretty lousy knowing that they attributed these problems to character flaws rather than things that I could do if I had the help necessary to accomplish them. They never said it, of course, but the denial says it well enough: "There's nothing wrong with how you're wired - there's something wrong with you because you can't do these simple tasks." But if I had had the help I needed when I needed it, I wouldn't have had such severe "flaws". So I get it. I really do.

At seventeen, I think your best bet is to get help through your university or community college when you transition from high school to the next step if you can't get assistance through a high school counselor in the meantime. I don't know how useful high school counselors are since I've never seen one, but normally at college level things are pretty decent.

As far as the comment on it being strange that parents indulge their own wishes rather than helping their children . . . I agree with you, but I also don't think it's that straightforward. What the parents see in front of them is a child who has done "just fine" growing up. They don't know how much you struggle, or they think that your struggles can be overcome with hard work.

Then there are other components of it. For example, your parents are doctors. Wouldn't it be embarrassing if doctors didn't pick up that their own child was autistic? The answer to us is no, because not every doctor knows every field of medicine. But when you surround yourself with highly intellectual, competitive people, you feel pressure to be "the best" there is. Even if your parents weren't doctors, there are always the stigmas associated with autism and other mental health issues. If you appear to get along "fine" then you must really be doing fine, right? Again, no. But it's just a different and slightly skewed logic. I don't think your parents don't love you. On the contrary, they probably love you very much and are doing what they think is right to "protect" you from the world.

Personally I think your parents--like my parents--are caving to societal pressures that were instated decades ago and they are just stubborn enough that they can't or don't change.

Once again, I appreciate your replies. Solidarity helps somewhat, as does having somebody (or somebodies!) to discuss it with. broccolichowder, I do see your point, but putting one's fear of stigma before the wellbeing of one's family seems a little selfish.

Thank you all!

Mine denied anything was psychologically wrong with me, instead choosing to view it as a personal philosophy problem and tried to pray it away