Why does this happen?

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Often, when I read posts here by parents, I am touched by how caring and considerate parents are and how willing and determined they are to fight to ensure that their children's needs are met by education and statutory services.

However, I know that some people here who are now adults (myself included) were verbally, physically and in some cases sexually abused by their parents.

Does anyone know why this happens? There are clearly great parents out there who don't feel that their child is inferior or unworthy of love or care, so why do some parents treat their children so callously?

I know that it is not just children with ASDs that get abused, but if you have a disability that means you need a lot of support and help it does seem particularly cruel to be abused by your family.

Does anyone know why this happens? Even now that I am an adult I am still bullied by members of my family and I don't know what to do about this - and I can't even begin to understand why. What did I do that was so bad?

I did well at school, I have a job, I have never been in trouble with the law, I have never even been drunk! I was polite to my parents and although my Dad helped me with fees for my degree, I supported myself since, even through my MA studies. So I don't know what I did to make them treat me like this.

I live with a relative who does not bully me, but other bullying relatives still have access to me there. I am trying to move out, but I have support needs so need to go into appropriate housing for which there is a waiting list and still haven't heard anything despite my social worker's best efforts.

I just don't understand this kind of behaviour - why do people even have chidlren if they know they are going treat them like this?

your wonder at other peoples obsession to bully and mistreat touches my heart. And the answer that I have come up (from personal experience, as I can relate personally to your question) is that some people have children because they are driven by some biological urge. When the children actually arrive and are seen to not be mirror images of themselves, the bond is not strong enough to keep them from being the bullies and harassers they actually ARE.

All the good grades and exemplary life sometimes is exactly the thing that rubs them raw. I have found there is really no pleasing them, that they get what ever 'warm fuzzies' they might have sought had I been just like them, from taunting and torturing, because they can.

And I have learned, sadly, that they didn't do it because I am related to them, either. If they had someone that was as accessable as their own child, and as easy to get away with abusing, they would have done it to them too.

I got away from mine at the first opportunity and stayed away, when I did go back, it was only to do my Nineth Step and clean up myside of the fence, so to speak, then, since nothing had changed with them, only with me, I got out quickly. I think it was really great that your Da helped you with your education. I think you can look back at that in later years as a sign of true caring.

I am sorry this happened to you, girl7000, but know you are not alone.

Merle

I wonder this as well, especially since I grew up thinking AS being negative was as likely as getting hit by lightning, so WP kicked (and punched, and stuff) me into the nitty gritty reality of it all. I think it goes down to bad luck/chance and the fact that they may have AS as well, or struggled with a partner who has it. Back when they were experiencing it all, AS was unknown so and Aspies (or anyone who wasn't good at being NT) got misunderstood a lot and bad treatment mad them sour/bitter. This leads to letting it out, and if you have kids, they are a convenient target.

The abuse coming out of being Aspie also explains why they don't care and can't relate when they do this. They possibly don't see it as taboo as much as NTs so they're a lot more comfortable with abusing them (whether it be sexual or not), and to them it feels more like 'just another thing'.

The good news is that you've come out of it with bright intentions and a heart of gold, so you can relish in the fact that you've likely faced the same or a similar situation or abuse (whether it's the same type, it's still abuse) and have come out being a much better person than they were.

Perhaps I'll get some bashing for this, but this is my theory:
I think a lot of the abuse (At least the physical and verbal) is carried out by parent's undiagnosed ASD's, who felt misunderstood by the world around them, and never got an explanation why. (Or had too much pride to accept the explanation)

I think it's probably the same reason other NTAs abuse/bully Aspies. The Aspie is what God made him/her, and not what the NTA would find convenient. The nerve of that Aspie! I'l show him/her! So the NTAs bully and feel fully justified in doing so, because their ridiculous expectations that everyone be whatever would suit them have not been met. I've put up with this stuff all my life, so pardon me if I sound unsupportive of their wants.

Last edited by KaliMa on 10 May 2007, 9:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think you're right about that one.

I tried to understand the situation of the people who have been abusive, my dad was born in 1920s Europe and lived through horrors of WW2 (may also had AS).
My mum was married young to this much older man with these problems and had 5 children, of which at least 4 probably have some ASD. She was severely depressed and focused the blame on children and husband.
Looking at this I can understand, but because the other members of the family still cling to blaming other people for everything it is hard to be around them and receive the negativity.
I think abuse happens because the abuser does not recognise the victim as an equal human being but as some lesser creature. I think the majority of child sexual abusers are very socially charming and manipulative (this is necesary to keep the child quiet) so are not likely to have AS.

I'm going through this type of abuse with my Dad. The ironic thing is that both my dad and his dad Are in this abusive senario. It makes me so sad to hear of aspies and auties being abused. But what you guys are talking about makes a whole lot of sense.

Thats precisely it. Empathy hinges on the requirement that the empathizer recognizes the subject as a human being they can relate to. If they do not understand the person or feels they are on the same level as an animal their "morals" no longer apply.

Its the function of human psychology that governments exploit with war propaganda to dehumanize their opponent in order to prevent society from objecting to mass murder.

I was always made to feel like **** growing up and my mother made it very clear that it was because my existence had robbed her of her youth. I have had epilepsy all of my life and she also let me know that that made her really mad. She kept saying that I had outgrown it and each seizure was some weird exception.

I strongly suspect that I have AS. That couldn't have helped. I have recently been diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety disorder, but I swear, I have not changed. I have always been anxious.

So, anyway, as a disabled kid, I know that my mom really resented me for having a serious health problem. She told me even last weekend that she still hates parenting and being a grandparent. One of my kids has Oppositional Defiance Disorder and the other has epilepsy, selective mutism, anxiety, and perhaps depression. So, my mom is mad about having to be in our family, too, and she says so in front of my kids.

I feel your pain.

I have a theory of this. Parenting is, first and foremost, about power. Parents are well aware of the power they have over their kids, and they love every second of it, even when they're nice and sweet. After all, power of any kind corrupts, even over a child. After all, a child has little, if any, recourse and no ways to escape, when a parent punishes him unfairly, or worse, abuses him. This is no different than a monopoly providing horrible customer service; they do it because they know they can. So why do so many kids put up with abuse, and don't even realize they were abused until much later in life? Two words: Stockholm Syndrome.

I'm probably being a bit selfish, but I find it ironic that I posted what alexbeetle nitro2k01 said, albeit in different wording, and my post comes as unnoticed. I'm a bit confused over that one.

These people act on the natural animal instinct to reproduce. Exactly what sinsboldly said, "people have children because they are driven by some biological urge."

Animals in the wild that give birth to deformed or weak offspring will neglect and leave the offspring to die. Deciding it will be too much trouble to be worth raising. These bad human parents behave the same way, (of course not that extreme, most of the time.) These people see there children as weak offspring and think there is no hope. They believe they are stuck with them. So what do they do? They act on the next animal instinct, dominance. They are cruel, bullying, abusing etc. Their delusional superiority over the weak gives them pleasure.

People are animals, once you see that *most* of the human race are nothing but animals it will be easier too understand people's behaviour.

I thought you made a very good post KBABZ and allow me to acknowledge it

I also have similar frustrations sometimes on message boards when "the echoers" get the acknowledgement although I would not get upset over it. Such is the nature of message board and spoken interaction too.

I was actually posting the opposite to KBABZ not "echoing it".
My mum was the abusive one and she is NT, also my NT brother. I don`t think AS is a major factor in abuse, perhaps in unintentional neglect but not intentional abuse.

KBABZ you are one of the most `noticed`people on this site!

Haha, thanks guys (x3)

I guess I get a bit worried when I feel like I posted something brilliant and others post something similar later and stuff... ah well, at least it's okay now.