Disliking personal questions

Post Reply New Topic

I prefer to keep my discussions topical and on the point. If I'm at a class / course, I want to discuss the work. If I'm at an interest group, I want to discuss topics related to that interest.
It seems to be going well to a point and then, inevitably, there's a gap in the conversation and someone asks me something like -
"So what do you do for a living?"
"Do you work or study?"
"So are you married?"
"Got any kids?"
"Do you live with flatmates or alone?"
"So where are you from?" (Often accompanied by a curious remark about my accent)
"What do you do for fun?"
"What have you been doing lately?"
And I just shut off. I don't want to do this. I don't want things to degenerate into petty small talk about my personal business. I never ask others these kinds of invasive personal questions or go digging into their life history.
I'm someone trying my hardest right now to start over. I have a weird, inconsistent history that I don't want to go into, and answering these kinds of "small talk" enquiries is actually very awkward and embarrassing for me.
But I don't know how to dodge these questions or provide an answer that is tactfully smooth but clearly implies that I don't answer questions like that and I'm not comfortable being asked.
It seems in a neurotypical setting, even if I am at something topic-heavy like an interest group or even a religious event, if there is a breath of silence, people ask me these sorts of things. I try to encourage them to talk about themselves, and ask them questions related to their opinions on the topic, but somehow discussion always seems to degenerate from ideas and concepts and philosophies into petty personal tallies.
I don't understand why this is necessary or how I can avoid it. I want to get into new situations in an effort to build up a life, but am finding myself avoiding things because I know this personal inquisition will come up and it wrecks everything.
Anyone else have some insight on how to handle these questions? Or ideally, prevent them coming up?

It's not exactly necessary, but the normies are trying to build up a life just like you are, and they do that by trying to forge friendly relationships in their classes and groups. If they couldn't do that, most of them probably wouldn't even come.

I don't think there is a good way to handle these questions. Maybe you can say that you prefer to not discuss your personal life, but it's probably going to sound odd to people and they may start disliking or even avoiding you, even avoiding on-topic discussion with you.

You can try dodging the questions with very short, non-specific answers and then changing the subject. Maybe they'll get the hint and stop asking.

Maybe you can try telling people that you come to the group to get away from your personal life for a while. If you smile why you say that, it might not give a bad impression.

I like starkid's advice about being sure to smile while saying something about liking this class or group because for you it's getting away from personal stuff (big smile, shrug, laugh a bit).

I feel the same way for similar reasons, I don't like "digging around" questions from people who basically strangers, one reason being the answers are not actually that simple and a "real" reply would involve half my life story, lol. Sometimes, because I'm an over-sharer, that's exactly what I've responded with and then I've later felt tortured knowing it was "too much information" than I'm actually comfortable sharing.

So I've tried to remember to start saying things like "Oh, long story, haha" with a friendly smile, then quickly follow up with a reciprocal question. It's all very stilted though, I've had to train myself and it still doesn't come easily.

It also helps to know that people actually love talking about themselves even more than they love asking nosy questions, so if you can make a brief "Oh it's long story" or "Oh back East kinda" answer but then turn things right back onto that person and say "So how about yourself?" in a friendly way, you can get them instantly thinking about their own kids, job, birthplace, apartment or house, etc and let them talk about themselves instead.

Great answers above. I would also like to suggest memorizing a few canned lines you can use at moments like these,
such as:

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you" (wink)
"It's a long story and I have to be home by 8"
"Like Facebook says, it's complicated"

And then always turn it back on them with "what about you?"

You can always abbreviate things, like if they ask what you do for a living, say "I have 12 years experience with computer applications, so I'm a bit of an office generalist." Something vague and summarizing.

Remember that these people are trying to be friendly, not put you on the spot. Who knows, over time you might actually find some friends in this group.

I think this is a human thing because ASD people have asked me these questions too and I have done the same. I think we (everyone) do this because we are trying to get to know each other and if people are looking for friends, they are trying to see what you have in common. I do it because I am curious. If I like someone, I want to know more about them.

You give out vague answers or dodge the questions and people usually get the hint after you keep on doing it. I think the other suggestions are good like "too hard to explain" "it's a long story" "it's complicated." Also ask them the same questions back.

I give out vague or short answers, and direct the questions back at them. Eventually this can stop them from asking personal questions, but it might be at the cost of a new friend because such questions are part of how people form friendships.

I am OK with some personal questions. If it's about work or study, I have go-to 'scripted' answers. If it's about relationships or children I get uncomfortable because people usually judge your answers. If it's about feelings or emotions I get very angry and defensive on instinct. Conversation in general is hard lol

I have no answer to C2V's issues. But I do have a thought.

I try to follow social protocol. And, in lulls in conversations, I am learning that those are topics to use to engage a person.

You would so hate to be around me because I would make you so uncomfortable with just trying to follow my social classes and the protocols I am learning.

Such is the irony.

But, I can say that somethings that should not bother me, but does, or I find intrusive does start a shut down/out process.

Thanks for the insights.

You really think so? Maybe it's just topic-centric me but I'm trying to build up a new life based on activities and interests and studies and possibly hopefully jobs - it's not about building friendly relations unless those relations also facilitate an activity (such as attending a discussion group). Perhaps I underestimate the central importance of socialization to other people, where to me it's about information and experiences.

I thought the same thing - all the answers I considered holding in standby to give to these questions would sound "rude" to others, which is ironic considering to me, randomly prying into someone's personal life off-topic is rude. I don't want to be impolite or make people any more uncomfortable than I already do, so I haven't had much luck in finding an adequate response. But being vague and deflecting it may be the best idea. I just don't want to make them completely unable to interact with me in ways that might interest me and I will be able to contribute to, by refusing to get personal in this way. Thus the question. I'm trying to find a way to jump this proverbial hurdle without obliterating any future interesting interaction. Because answering them honestly would alienate people just as effectively as refusing to answer does. Catch 22.

Same here. I certainly don't have the polished résumé of a normal life you're supposed to reply with, as if you've never had any problem in your life before and everything has gone to plan, and you're bright shiny and polished and perfectly normal. I'm the opposite though - people can have known me for decades and still know next to nothing about many aspects of my life. I even get the sh!t! Overshare! reaction from very minimal details and wish I hadn't said anything. This is much easier for me online, when I'm not having to deal with real people in my face. I'm much more comfortable with disclosure like this sort, in distanced written form.

I thought so too, and adopted this strategy for a while, but then there's the I'm-a-monster aspects - I actually don't care about their kids, jobs (unless it's relevant somehow) where they're from (again unless relevant) or their living arrangements or outside situation. I only care about how that person is with me in the very specific and structured interactions I have chosen to interact with them in. I understood this to be odd when I was friendly with a neighbour, and people would gasp "but she's a prostitute!" I didn't care if she was a prostitute or anything else, it was irrelevant to our situation - she was nice enough to me in passing and thus we interacted in that way.
I considered just plain shutting up when things got personal, but maybe that's a weird response?
Which relates to -

And -

Yar. I have difficulty understanding the concept of friendship. Again as the above, the aspects of the person relevant to me in a friendship would be what we had in common in the practical present - such as we both liked rock climbing or guitar playing, or could have an interesting discussion philosophically - and got along well enough doing whatever it was we had come together to do, and enjoyed the company or learned something from the interaction. To me, their personal life isn't really relevant. I'm not married to them or living with them or whatever. I don't require information about aspects of their existence which don't concern me or are none of my business in associating with them equitably.
But that may actually be weirder than I realise.

Hah, but interestingly if this was another autistic person and I was aware they were just trying to conform to their social protocol (which incidentally is a position I can clearly understand) I would be much less awkward about telling them that with me, their social paradigm must be shifted to discount personal inquiry, but please feel free to proceed with relevant content. Try saying that to a normal person in a normal social situation without automatically counting down until they run away and tell everyone they can possibly find to listen that you're ret*d.