Would you like to come out of the closet?

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For us "passing" aspies... how much longer can you take it before you come out of the closet and admit your ASD to those in your life?

.. I'm nearly 27, and after all these years of hiding it I am nearly at the point where I want to reveal who I really am. I am so tired of this miserable charade.

I tell anyone I know if it becomes relevant in conversation. I don't hide it. I also deliberately told family members and good friends. In addition, I wear an autism-related necklace that can be easily seen, and if anyone knew about autism and the 'jigsaw piece' symbol then they would know what it was. Nobody's ever commented on the necklace, but it helps me to have something on show that means I'm not 'hiding it' from anyone.

I am undiagnosed. My parents refuse to accept the possibility that I may have ASD (and tell me that it's selfish to expect people to accept me the way I am); however, I recently asked a good friend if she thought I could have Asperger's syndrome, and she replied that my asking was a coincidence - she had thought so for a while. That was my first 'coming out of the closet' moment, and I'm relieved to have done it. I can now talk to my friend about my ASD suspicions, and my experiences, which I've never been able to do in real life before.

Having been encouraged by that experience, I have since also told my sister. I intend never to approach my parents on the subject, unless I have a diagnosis, because they only berate me and yell at me for mentioning it.

I would encourage anybody to tell those they love and trust about their diagnosis/suspected ASD.

I disclose when i expect that my issues are going to become relevant; if i start a project at school or work, or when i am going on a field trip with friends.

If the topic comes up in conversation, or when asked directly, i will admit directly, but in casual conversation i don't start the topin

I tell people that I feel need to know. Typically someone that I know will be in my life for more than a brief period. Even then that can be hard, but the only way is THROUGH.

I feel the only way that we can change the general publics perception of Autism for the better is to be open and accepting about it within ourselves. Not saying it is going to he easy, but if we're sticking around we have to start changing peoples points of reference somehow. I think the best way to do that is by honoring ourselves first, because if we can't find that within ourselves we'll never be able to expect that from anyone else.

it was apparent that im not obvious when i was just really around my parents so i THOUGHT i was normal seeming. turns out that isnt the case to people outside my family, its kind of obvious im uhhh......unusual. to the point where one of my college tutors actually called me out on it. (i lied about it when he asked........people would have used it as a weapon, having confirmation would have just made it worse).


haha its weird, i was laughing about it to a friend and i said "can you believe that? so rediculous right?" and then he said "uhhhhh.............suuureee......." and then i said "what?" and he said "oh uhhh....nothing."


more kind of weird when i was put with my best friend (when we met for the first time) and the TA was like "this is _____ you guys have.....alot in common" and my best friend is autistic (on the aspie level)


but at first i was like "maybe i should tell people?" and its become apparent that i really dont need to.



i dont know, i thought maybe you guys would like an opinion from the otherside. for balance.

Oh, this. So this.

I've been struggling with this big time. I'm 42, undiagnosed and I've spent my entire life trying to behave in what is considered "normal" socially speaking. When I was a child, I would steal jokes I heard on television and use them in real life because there was a reasonable chance those jokes would be considered funny to my friends (you know, since they laughed on television). By the time I was a teen, I had mimicking certain behaviors and conversations down to a science. I still get so many things wrong, though. As a result, sometimes I come off as being rude or bitchy when I'm just being direct or truthful. I've only just recently discovered that the reason I'm this way is just because I'm on the spectrum.

So...coming out has been nearly impossible, really. I've told five people thus far and only one believed me (I'm not counting my kids because they tend to believe whatever reality I present most of the time). One of which was my therapist, and, no, she wasn't the one who believed me.

For me, I haven't come out to anyone else and I'm not sure if I will in the future. I feel like I need a diagnosis to validate myself. But at 42 years old, not so sure that's gonna happen either. :/

People can tell. A special ed teacher can't tell the difference, so they can tell obvoiusly.

I am a sociologist who studies adults on the autism spectrum. One of my interest areas is passing. There is almost nothing written about autistic passing, so I have read a great deal about passing in general and done some of my own research about autistic passing.

Passing to everyone you know creates a lot of stress, which must be relieved or it seems to cause distress to one's personal wellbeing. I'm being careful with my wording here, because it could be depression for some people, anxiety for others, or anger, or physical symptoms. Or a combination.

Some things that people do to relieve the stress are stimming and routines. Stimming could be anything from an action you did as a child to something more socially acceptable as an adult, like drumming your fingers on a table or using specific exercises. Routines could be taking walks, organizing things, taking a drive, whatever.

But it also seems important to have real or online places where you do not have to pass. This could be spending time with animals, who don't care what your face is doing or what jokes you're making. It could be a friend or sibling who you are comfortable with, or a co-worker who you've worked alongside for many years. You have to have some time where you're not thinking "what am I supposed to do?" It doesn't necessarily mean you have to have a big reveal saying that you are autistic.

Some people find the strain of passing so difficult that they make the decision to simply stop altogether, the way one might stop smoking. If passing is causing you a lot of emotional or physical pain to the point where it is taking over your life, it might be time to simply stop. I recommend stopping passing everywhere except work and thinking deeply about whether or not it is safe to stop passing at work. Sometimes it is and sometimes it's not.

I completely agree that passing and masking, particularly if it's in all departments of life, can cause deeply damaging stress and burnout and is not a healthy way to continue.

Having said that, personally I am extremely resistant to ceasing to pass even though I'm quite sure it's causing me psychological problems and unduly higher stress.

My reason being, I think disclosing in many cases in my particular life would actually result in even worse stress and detrimental consequences to me for several reasons.

My living situation is claustrophobically "in yer face" meaning everybody is into everyone else's business, word spreads fast, but more than this, nearly everyone here in my building is NOT the type of person who would treat the disclosure positively. I can already foresee two reactions: complete ignorance of what ASD actually is, with the gaps filled in by negative stereotypes pieced together and then automatically assumed of me. And the other reaction would be disbelief and deciding that I'm only "claiming" to have have it in order to garner sympathy or unfair advantages around here.

Both of those possible reactions would produce even more stress and tension in my life than just continuing to pretend there's nothing different about me and keeping up the "act" around these people. Trust me, I live with ignorant, mean spirited people who are pretty uniform in their narrow life views. It used to be a retirement building and I'm one of the youngest here with no peers who might be more enlightened.

In my work: too risky. I work in a position where people have to invest a high degree of trust in me, and even though they can background check me, in my experience even a clean bill of health in that regard doesn't end a client's level of wariness and instinct to be defensive anyway. I have to always present to them the most "normal" me I can in order to reassure them there's nothing to worry about. Again, levels of uninformedness is something I don't have the energy to fight -- while also losing my living because of it.

Friends -- I dunno. Maybe some, but others, no.

I'm sure everyone who knows me still thinks I'm a bit strange even while I'm doing all this masking. But in my particular case I strongly believe that with most of them it would actually harm rather than help if I came clean and told them. I do not have anyone in my immediate surroundings or life who actually deeply care about me or like me enough to be fine with it or genuinely want to understand more. I have a lot of people in my life who are either pleasant but don't really care about me or who are actively a-holes in general. Seriously. You don't want to open up to that.

Due to the severity of my condition, I feel it's necessary for me to divulge that I am on the spectrum to most of those I encounter. Most of what I say is scripted and I am usually interpreted as being a haughty and distant human being.

I think, Jake, with your situation that is probably the best and the ideal, for you.

With others who can "pass" I think it gets more complicated.

This is the problematic thing about all the "shades of the spectrum" -- it may seem like a blessing to be so-called mild enough that some covering of traits can be achieved, but it's a mixed blessing because it isn't healthy and can be confusing for others around us when and if we do crack in the facade.

I do. Nobody ever believes me. . . But I try. Sigh.

I am 26 but I'm as still as ashamed and secretive about ASD as I was when I was 8. I can talk about it anonymously here in this forum, but I rather not have everyone in real life know about it. I just hate the thought of being on the autism spectrum. The word "autism" sounds so isolating and is actually a term for "self-absorbed" or something similar, and I don't see myself as that.

Also I am not a stereotypical Aspie. I am like an eccentric NT. I do openly admit to people that I have ADHD and social anxiety disorder. But I've always felt differently about AS, and I rather that be my secret shame.

I've started to grudgingly disclose to some friends, but I'm generally pretty secretive about it; I probably even have family who don't know. Nobody at work does; it's not worth the trouble.

Coming out to friends didn't bring me much of a sense of relief. It was done out of convenience more than for emotional reasons. No great burden was lifted, it just streamlined some interactions.

So... how long can I take it? Probably me whole life. That's totally fine with me. I would rather be judged as a person than as a diagnosis.