How can I love my family?

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Reposting from the adolescent forum since it seems pretty barren

I've been trying to fix my relationship with my mom mostly, but I don't do much with the rest of my family either. I've been trying to do some stuff with them and talk to them a little more, but I just don't feel like a desire to. I think I want a relationship with them, but I don't know what to do. I'm also doing therapy, but I haven't benefitted from it yet. I keep feeling like I'm the problem, and I don't know how to fix it.

If they've done stuff towards you to make you feel this way, you're not the problem. If they've been abusing you, part of that abuse could have been drilling the idea that you're the problem into you in the first place. Therapy is a good start, if your therapist is a good one of course.

A friend of mine told me that he did not understand what it meant to be a father until the doctor at the hospital handed him his newborn daughter and he realized that there was no one to hand her back to.

Most songs and movies present love as a combination of feelings of attraction, desire, expectation, and even lust. However, these are all self directed and consumptive. Real love is giving and defined by selflessness. Selfishness tends to destroy relationships. Selflessness build them up.

We humans are rather unpleasant to be around. This can be even more so for those of us with Aspergers. The decision to show love in selfless acts stands in contrast to the selfish pursuit of feelings. Traditionally the selfishness of childhood tends to evaporate as one has to care for one's own children. Out of this mostly thankless work, can come feelings of satisfaction that one has invested oneself in another. This investment is the foundation of all relationships.

It’s good that you’re trying to bond with them. Relationships breakdown sometimes but all you can do is try

If you have a supportive, loving family who is behind you, you need to know that they will only want your happiness and sense of well-being will be their focus.

When times are difficult, time and maturity helps.

You can put every effort into your relationships, but unless they are open to receiving what you offer, even by way of making ammends, it will come to nought.

Being a good listener, holding your tongue at times, "doing" in order to help your mother, may go a long way.

As a mother myself, who is very close to my three AS children, I can only imagine ever wanting them to feel safe and secure and happy, full well understanding what they are up against in this world. Importantly, I would only ever want them to be true to themselves.

Hmmmmm? Here are a few things to consider:

Just because you "love" someone doesn't mean you have to like them: I loved my father but because of who he was, I didn't like him, as is he case with my siblings: I don't always like them. Don't fall into the trap of "forgiveness": no one needs to forgive anything--EVER! If they deserve your forgiveness, that's all well and good, but try to remember, "Forgive: but never forget!" people have a propensity of repeating bad behaviors.

Just because someone can be a parent, doesn't mean they should. I chose not to be a parent because though I have some outstanding characteristics, I know I have a horrible temper when it comes to irrational people: all too often you can't rationalize with a child: I have zero desire to hurt people which I know I would do if I became too angry...

Respect should be earned and never under any circumstances should it be freely given. Respecting your elders goes both ways, if they don't respect you, then it is impossible for you to respect them. Don't confuse respect with fear: once someone knows you are afraid they know that they can manipulate you, "If you don't do as I say I won't love you anymore..." When a manipulator begins that tactic you must find all the courage you have and simply walk away from them even when it's someone you love.

Also, own your own-s***! Admit when you've made a mistake and try your best to rectify it: all that anyone can do is their best, and by not doing your best you rationalize poor behavior. If you put your weaknesses in the forefront, no one can use them against you: yes, you can still be hurt by them, but you won't be exerting all your energy trying to hide them either:

"You lied to me about XXXX!"

"Yes, and I said I was sorry too: I know I made a bad mistake and I know it was wrong, but I'm trying not to do that any more too..."

DIVAIR

I agree with what Timf said about love. The hebrew word for love actually translates into English as "to give".

Try to observe your mom and see when she's tired and lend a hand. It can be asking to help with dinner. Or sit and fold laundry with her and ask her about her day etc. Its a good place to start if you don't know what to say. Just a simple asking about someone's day and really listening to the answer shows you care and that you're making an effort to understand them.

When my mom is having a rough day I make her a cup of her favorite tea or homemade spicey hot chocolate made with real chocolate no powder, so yummy (that's one of her favorites ). And sometimes we just sit there and drink our warm drink together and don't say anything, but she knows I'm there for her. She does the same for me when I'm overwhelmed.

I find it's the little things that matter most.

Also, as someone else suggested board games or crafts are good. In my family we do puzzles and have heated games of Banana Grams I build stuff with my dad and my dad rarely talks so its calming to just create something with him. And I quilt and sew clothes with my mom when she's well enough to move about. And we've started doing coloring challenges. We put music on and color. My moms health is very bad and is often bedridden so we've had to find activities we can do around her bed, the couch, or the hospital together. But you could find more active things to do with your family if that's what yall enjoy.

Hope that helps and good luck.

The fact that you know that you still “have much to learn” makes me optimistic about your future relationship with your family.

Sometimes I feel grateful that my parents are so clearly not supportive (even if it would be an overstatement to call them "abusive"). It makes my relationship with them very clear. There's no such thing (and no expectation of such thing) as "love" involved. It's just a matter of mutually beneficial scenarios.

I wish you good luck.