Not "fitting in"

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Hi, just wondering how anyone had overcame this

As i havent been diagnosed with anything its hard to tell people why i act the way i do. Since primary school i hadn't had any friends, high school i'd often be "left out" which really upset me. This happened a few times. I've just started college and knew 1 person (i can't really *connect* with her though) and she was able to make more friends, but I just couldn't do it. So when I did follow her and did talk to her friends they would talk to me etc but I still feel like the black sheep of the group (like being left out again) for example if someone said get into small groups i'd be the one everyone forgets. I'm not even sure why this happens and it hurts.

I'm sure you'll get better replies shortly. I've heard this experience from a lot of autistic people.

People who are "different" in some other kind of way, say...people with odd senses of humor who are not shy for example, or people with unusual interests for another example- those kinds of people may also have trouble fitting in with groups or making friends, simply because they're so different. But usually those kinds of fringe people will eventually find other people who are either similar to them, or have their own oddities and they'll feel comfortable around each other.

People on the autism spectrum TEND TO (but not in all cases of course) continue to feel uncomfortable in most or all social circumstances. What I'll tend to hear is that a person will only feel comfortable around maybe their spouse or a long term friend, and sometimes not even then. It doesn't mean the other person doesn't like them. They may, in fact, be very popular, but they still don't feel comfortable.

[I'm a neurotypical sociologist who studies adults on the autism spectrum]

That's quite a good answer above I think, I am quite popular, people like me, but I can't spend time around them much as I am never comfortable. I incorporate being different, into my personality and presentation. It took time to become more at ease with my different outlook on life than most people. When embraced though, and I stopped desperately trying to fit in, that was when people liked me more. Still can't spend much time with them though, but in some ways the sting of rejection from society is less, when it's my 'descision' to be rarely involved. Understanding, embracing, and finding the value to your differentness, is what i think works.

I used to feel like I didn't fit in anywhere until I started my studies in university. I quickly found a group of people I usually hang around. A lot of the time, I still just sit there silently and listen to the others, but despite that, I feel like I actually fit in somewhere for the first time in years.

Yeah, I think uni can be good for fitting in. A combination of shared interests, and uni identity can help bond. I'm in that situation now, but I know those bonds are transient, and in everyday life, when uni is done, im going to miss it, and I will slip through the cracks of life outside of uni.

Hi, do you have stuff in common with the people you mentioned? What are the conversations like?



I've had this experience, but circumstances change, groups change, and so I still have to reach out to new people. I imagine that's a common experience, but sometimes I feel like I'm missing something. Most times when I've made a friend, the other person made some comment or invited me somewhere, and it just seemed to flow naturally from our conversations. I have trouble doing that: gauging the right moment, the right suggestion of somewhere fun to go to get to know each other better outside the group where we met. Am I just overthinking this and looking for perfection or to be able to predict their response?

No, your answer is very helpful thank you. It's quite hard to find someone in person who's as intrigued as I am in airplanes...especially my age. I have "acquaintances" but i wouldn't class them as "friends".

Oh, that's nice. At least they *like* you. I don't feel my friends *like* me, they just *put* up with me lol. Thing is, I can accept being different but I haven't actually had a diagnosis so i'm deemed as "normal"

Thanks for your reply. Perhaps that may help in the future for myself, but not too sure. Glad you fit in

I've had this experience, but circumstances change, groups change, and so I still have to reach out to new people. I imagine that's a common experience, but sometimes I feel like I'm missing something. Most times when I've made a friend, the other person made some comment or invited me somewhere, and it just seemed to flow naturally from our conversations. I have trouble doing that: gauging the right moment, the right suggestion of somewhere fun to go to get to know each other better outside the group where we met. Am I just overthinking this and looking for perfection or to be able to predict their response?[/quote

(Responding to the comment you left on my thread because forums are very complicated)
Well, my main point of interest is building things, airplanes and animals. I'm at an animal care college so yes I have people around me who have familiar interests. Eh, some of my convos with peers are very short, though it's possibly my uncomfortable-ness is making them uncomfortable (I have a sense of glare or I'm distracted with sounds or things) and often lose track of the convo. Sometimes I have convos about airplanes, and it's pretty much one sided. Often we talk about animals and even then I feel I am annoying them by facts and knowledge (like frogs often use their eyes to help them swallow food - it's true!)

Maybe part of what's happening is that they want to have broader conversations then. If I'm sharing information, such as something I read or did that I think they might find interesting, I tend to speak in a sentence or two to see if they have a question or comment. It's not a perfect method, but in general, people will actively participate in the conversation if they're interested, or they'll change the topic or say nothing of substance if they're not. I don't know if shy people will do this though because they rarely talk to me in person in the first place.

That's like something from a different planet! Why should we do that That's going to be difficult but I will give it a try, thank you ! !

It is definitely a different style from sharing everything all at once. I do it because I'm otherwise not very good at gauging the other person's interest, and because I find common ground faster that way. Or if we don't find something we both want to talk about, the conversation ends pretty quickly and we can move on with our lives.

I've also been on the other side, listening to people talk about an interest I either don't understand or don't share. If I'm sitting there clueless, I feel I have to interrupt and ask basic questions or I'm wasting the other person's time. Or I have to express interest in something related to redirect the conversation after a while. Does that make sense? What would you do in that situation?

Anytime. Hopefully you find your place. c:

Do you feel a diagnosis would help in social situations?

It's too bad my two year old can't carry on conversations yet! He's very interested in airplanes- I think he would be horrified to ride in one, but he's fascinated by how they work and look. A great interest to have!

I once got to go into the aerospace building at my university and holy god! It was amazing! Far and away the best building at our school! Even the chairs looked cool! I definitely studied the wrong science!