As soon as I start to talk people, they don't like me

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W91T
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16 Nov 2016, 5:52 pm

Hi. I've experienced a lot of people doing this. When strangers for example ask me a question and I try to answer nicely, they say thank you, but make a "that person is weird" face. They almost look angry. What is this? Anyone else who has experienced it?



the_phoenix
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16 Nov 2016, 6:05 pm

Hi W91T,

I'm sorry that you are being treated poorly.

It seems to me (I'm middle aged) that people these days can be very rude compared to how society used to be in the past.
Sometimes those of us with autism can start blaming ourselves for other people's behavior.

We need to all learn how to respect each other as individual human beings again
and treat each other with common courtesy and basic decency.

Now there probably is something different in how you talk to people
or maybe your facial expressions or body language.

Still, for other people to make nasty faces is just plain mean.

Don't let it get you down.
Keep on being your best self.

Hope this helps,
and hope others can give you some good advice
that I may be overlooking.

...



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16 Nov 2016, 6:30 pm

If you are interested in changing it, arrange to have yourself video recorded in interactions with strangers. Then go over that video with a sympathetic person such as a good friend or a counselor.

You may be surprised to learn that there are specific things that make others uncomfortable. Then you can either accept that others will be uncomfortable, or you can learn ways to change how you appear.

It's also possible that you misinterpret strangers' facial expressions. Instead of angry, perhaps they really look puzzled, or possibly anxious because they are surprised by your behavior.


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16 Nov 2016, 6:43 pm

Personally I think people are reacting in that way unconsciously. From my considerable time studying neuroscience in my spare time I've learned that most of the functions of the brain are unconscious.
People simply aren't giving this the consideration that you are.


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the_phoenix
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16 Nov 2016, 6:53 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
If you are interested in changing it, arrange to have yourself video recorded in interactions with strangers. Then go over that video with a sympathetic person such as a good friend or a counselor.

...

It's also possible that you misinterpret strangers' facial expressions. Instead of angry, perhaps they really look puzzled, or possibly anxious because they are surprised by your behavior.


Now here's some of that good advice I was referring to
that I hadn't thought of
but was hoping someone would. :)

...



MagicMeerkat
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16 Nov 2016, 7:01 pm

Same here


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naturalplastic
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16 Nov 2016, 7:16 pm

W91T wrote:
Hi. I've experienced a lot of people doing this. When strangers for example ask me a question and I try to answer nicely, they say thank you, but make a "that person is weird" face. They almost look angry. What is this? Anyone else who has experienced it?


Dont know why so many are responding to you when they have no way of knowing what you're talking about.
None of us have witnessed you interact with people in your life.

Can you give us examples?.

Examples of questions from strangers, and examples of answers you gave (and anything else in your response to those questions-like body language)?



Jensen
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16 Nov 2016, 8:41 pm

There´s this possibility too.....that you are overinterpreting and projecting out your fear of saying/doing the wrong thing.
I´ve been there myself - and when I asked people about their angry face a long time after the presumed incident, they looked completely baffeled. The drama totally happened between my ears.
I even remembered things, that actually wasn´t said - just because, I expected it to happen. :oops:

This happens to many of us because of our weaker capacity for social reading.


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W91T
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17 Nov 2016, 12:56 pm

Thank you everyone for answering.

the_phoenix wrote:
Hi W91T,

I'm sorry that you are being treated poorly.

It seems to me (I'm middle aged) that people these days can be very rude compared to how society used to be in the past.
Sometimes those of us with autism can start blaming ourselves for other people's behavior.

We need to all learn how to respect each other as individual human beings again
and treat each other with common courtesy and basic decency.

Now there probably is something different in how you talk to people
or maybe your facial expressions or body language.

Still, for other people to make nasty faces is just plain mean.

Don't let it get you down.
Keep on being your best self.

Hope this helps,
and hope others can give you some good advice
that I may be overlooking.

...


Thank you, it helps to know that it isn't doesn't always have to be my fault.

BeaArthur wrote:
If you are interested in changing it, arrange to have yourself video recorded in interactions with strangers. Then go over that video with a sympathetic person such as a good friend or a counselor.

You may be surprised to learn that there are specific things that make others uncomfortable. Then you can either accept that others will be uncomfortable, or you can learn ways to change how you appear.

It's also possible that you misinterpret strangers' facial expressions. Instead of angry, perhaps they really look puzzled, or possibly anxious because they are surprised by your behavior.


I've actually tried to record myself, but I've never thought about showing it to someone else before. Thank you.

naturalplastic wrote:
Dont know why so many are responding to you when they have no way of knowing what you're talking about.
None of us have witnessed you interact with people in your life.

Can you give us examples?.

Examples of questions from strangers, and examples of answers you gave (and anything else in your response to those questions-like body language)?


Jensen wrote:
There´s this possibility too.....that you are overinterpreting and projecting out your fear of saying/doing the wrong thing.
I´ve been there myself - and when I asked people about their angry face a long time after the presumed incident, they looked completely baffeled. The drama totally happened between my ears.
I even remembered things, that actually wasn´t said - just because, I expected it to happen. :oops:

This happens to many of us because of our weaker capacity for social reading.


There was a woman who asked if she could leave some of her stuff in the room, then I said yes and smiled. I was sitting on a chair with my hands on the seat. She was opening the door to leave when she made that face.

I tried searching after a picture to describe her reaction, this was the closest i found:
Image



Jensen
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17 Nov 2016, 1:24 pm

You can´t know, what went through her mind. It might not have anything to do with you.
Some people look that way, when they are surprised, don´t understand or discover, that they forgot something.

Well, I´d be wondering about that expression too, I think.


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BirdInFlight
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17 Nov 2016, 3:07 pm

That look on their face -- yes, I've had this my whole life!!

Same thing exactly, I make sure I smile and try to say the right things, and in the very first instant the person smiles back and seems to be reacting normally to me. Then when I've spoken a little bit more, such as asking a question, the person will give me the answer and I then notice their face has gone into this weird, puzzled look, hahahahh!

There have been times when that doesn't happen, but it does happen enough times that it became something I mulled over with concern, as young as I can remember. I've always felt like I make about two seconds of a good impression and then as things go on from there, I'm doing or saying or sounding like or looking like something that disturbs people. LOL!



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17 Nov 2016, 4:12 pm

W91T wrote:
Hi. I've experienced a lot of people doing this. When strangers for example ask me a question and I try to answer nicely, they say thank you, but make a "that person is weird" face. They almost look angry. What is this? Anyone else who has experienced it?

I have had that happen to me lots of times. When I reply, they look weird, and then they avoid me. :(

I assume that I break some rule in some way.



W91T
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17 Nov 2016, 4:20 pm

I hope it didn't have anything to do with me at least. I've encountered many people who does this, especially grown-ups for some reason. I also seem to make a good impression the first couple of seconds, but it also goes down from there.



invisibl3
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18 Nov 2016, 1:56 am

It could all be in your head. Ask for a second opinion from someone close what they would do in that situation, or act it out in front and hear what he says.



Jensen
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18 Nov 2016, 4:24 am

Doesn´t have to be. Often people are turned away for subtle reasons - between their ears. Others have their idiosyncracies as well.


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Greenleaf
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18 Nov 2016, 8:10 am

I have read a few journal-type articles that seem to indicate that many of us w/ASCs have more ability to pick up some emotions than others. Anger, fear, joy -- might partly get processed in a different part of the brain than the part that deals with those subtle little eye movement communication -related emotions. Neurotypicals apparently generally learn to use their built-in little-eye-movement communication hardware without needing lots of explicit learning. (I suspect that's what was going on in elementary school when I was making piles of eraser dust on my school desk and playing with it quietly.) :roll:

We, on the other hand, can learn it, and over time make our own "software" to interpret such things. But since there is little discussion of that in NT society -- they don't need the discussion to learn this stuff -- we don't even know we don't know some things in this realm sometimes. We can keep misinterpreting quietly for a long long time.

A friend's autistic son was always thinking his dad was angry with him, when that wasn't what the dad was feeling or thinking at all; they agreed that when the dad was angry with the son, he'd explicitly tell the son. The son feels much more comfortable now. (I'm glad they could talk about it!! !)