"This is not autistic, huh!"

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Since early childhood I always wondered why I always felt so different from my colleagues. I had lots of distinct and uncommon interests - after making lots of questions to my family, I learned to read and write when I was 2 years old, and with 8 or 9 I had few or no interest in comic books, preferring topics such as astronomy, geography, history, scientific breakthroughs, politics, science, computers which caused me an enormous enthusiasm. But I practically had no one around me to discuss these topics; I was used to talk a lot about my interests, and my colleagues simply agreed with their heads. I thought this was the reason for me to develop the habit of humming alone.

Years passed and this suffocating sensation of loneliness never let me go. As I grew young and later an adult, I always wondered why so many people were looking at me. Staring. Making some comments about me - and these comments seemed so senseless. Laughing. Cautiously avoiding my presence. They kept silent when I reached them, seeming so embarrassed about my company, not much more than a few words to tell me, and they seemed so relieved when I left them. I tried so hard to catch their attention...

Many years ago, I was really decided to get rid of my loneliness, so I distributed around 200 handmade cards with my name and phone number to any person who seemed to have any interest in me. Only 2 or 3 of them called me, and I don't remember who they are.

And then I endured an horrible crisis where everything seemed to go wrong. So many people mocked, underestimated, despised me, and I felt so lonely and upset. My interest in women seemed to be something horrific, people around me reacted with anger and wrath, and I was unable to understand their reasons. Needless to say how much I cried and avoided any contact with people. Worse than that, I was getting sick of being fired from jobs... 1 year, a few months, 1 month. And I was unable to understand their reasons to fire me under countless cynical arguments; any minimal deviation seemed to be a good reason for employers to get rid of me, and I felt increasingly sad, anxious and angry.

Not only hunger, poverty, isolation, but also feeling misunderstood everywhere. I always knew I could unearth an enormous potential, I already proved it in previous jobs and previous relationships (friends, dating women...), but even the slightest mistake seemed to unleash a terrible sequence of events which always ended in scandal, rejection, and "you never come back here anymore!". Why? "No, nothing, you did nothing wrong, you are a nice guy"... I was unable to understand it.

Anguish was impossible to describe; even psychologists were unable to tell me what was wrong with this nice guy who blasts everything around with no apparent reason. It always seemed to everyone that I was playing as a victim. No explanation about my daily life was enough.

Years passed, I grew adult, and all this time I was reluctant to search for a psychiatrist because I almost never found myself guilty. However, once I decided to talk with one, and I told him about these things - I had only 20 minutes to talk about my life, so I was in a rush, but I thought it was clear. I told him I was aware there's a condition named Asperger but I wanted to know his opinion, whether he agreed with it or not, however I could not understand why that psychiatrist in front of me seemed more and more angry. As I continued talking about my story, my hands began shaking, my voice was sad and tired, while he was trying to hold some giggles. When I finished, he yelled:

"THIS IS NOT AUTISTIC, HUH!"

Obviously I was shocked.

"Hyperlexia gives you a medium advantage... Something that common people do!" (he laughs)... "You were bullied in your childhood, everything is normal and normal and normal with you, take this medicine and come back here later". I bought it, but never took a single pill. And my interest in astronomy, geography, etc. still continues strong to this date.

After a frustrated relationship, I collapsed and spent many years alone - in the meanwhile, I was still being dismissed from jobs after 1 month, or some days, collecting more and more papers with signed and broken working deals.

Only recently, and after an enormous personal crisis, I could talk to a doctor who took me seriously and diagnosed my Asperger condition. I feel so reluctant to see me this way. I still feel so reluctant to look at my image in a mirror...

I feel frustration, shame, want to laugh, want to break it with a stone, want to cry. I don't know what to say about my life story... Even with medicine, good support from very few friends, family, doctor, psychologist (and, believe it, a girlfriend who is a long time friend), and avoiding people who caused harm, I still find so difficult to talk about my story, to look at me in a mirror and say "this is me" because, I need to confess, I would like not to see it. Sometimes I still don't believe I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome; but if this is not it, what else could be? Schizophrenia? Paranoia? Persecution mania?

Sorry about my outflow, but I needed a place to talk about it, and I don't know if my story makes sense to you from an Asperger point of view. But here it is. And, if you are still reading me, please have your say.

Making and distributing the cards seems like a very Aspergic thing to do.

^^I have been misunderstood for most, if not all of my life, and I have experienced intense frustration and anger, wondering again and again 'Why can't I explain things enough" and "Why doesn't anyone accept me for what I am" and "Why do I keep going along with what everyone else wants and everyone elses' expectations?"

Dude...have you tried recording yourself during your conversations with your MD...maybe it will reveal to you what you are doing to piss them of so bad....and about the drugs I would take it if I were you...you say your afraid to take it because it might hinder your creativity...I say you have too much creativity that it hinders your productivity or sociability...because you said it yourself you get fired from work within a month....the only scary thing about those drugs are their side effects...just ask yourself is getting your life in the right track worth the side effects....

Could you please elaborate?

I mean that making and giving out cards with personal information on them is a very systematic, idiosyncratic, and impersonal way to start socializing. It would be considered socially awkward, and non-autistic people would not do it or even think of doing it.

I am very ashamed of my own voice, which gradually changed from bold and strong to weak and sad. But now I remember that once I took some courage to reread some messages of a chat I had with a friend many years ago via ICQ and I felt so ashamed when I finally realized why that person suddenly became so angry at me. Some time later, I erased this chat by mistake, which was unusual because as an IT professional I always take care of my files.

And 1) it took me years to understand our misunderstanding; 2) this kind of situation oftenly happens to me, and later I wonder "why didn't someone warned me what I was doing". In so many ordinary conversations, suddenly my peers seems to feel embarassed while they hear me, and I am unable to understand the reason(s); sometimes my peer sends me a hint, and I am unable to take it.

But in so many situations I know I did nothing wrong, I barely told something to someone, I only wanted to work hard as usual, and I was fired anyway, or harmed by so many people. This is so hard for me to understand: why do my presence causes so much antipathy and lack of respect. Many years ago a false friend intentionally misled me. I was spanked due to this. I filed a complaint at police, where my words were met with suspicion. No one around me seemed to believe my words and some people abandoned me. Since the beginning, both the assaulter and the false friend were cynical; they lied and lied and tried to blame me even after one of them stupidly confessed the episode, but all the time I felt that people around me were laughing and mocking me for that embarrassing situation, and I did nothing to cause it. No one seemed to believe my words. And I still don't understand why.

Nowadays I look at myself in front of the mirror and feel so ashamed about myself. Don't know what else I should do. Time passes and I have fewer friends due to fewer contacts with outside world.

Sorry, people. I know these were long outflows but I need support and I think this is the place to find it in the virtual world.

At that moment I thought my act of giving handmade cards was somehow similar to people giving business cards with their contact information (company name, role, phone numbers, e-mail, etc.) so I saw nothing wrong on it. And... I still don't.

I did it in 7th grade. I was trying to be normal so I wanted friends and anyone who has talked to me I handed them my piece of paper with my phone number on it.

It's not wrong, but it is unusual and many people would not want to make friends with you that way. Most people would not see it as similar to giving out business cards because the way most people make friends is usually different than the way they network professionally.

It took me more than 20 years to learn this lesson. But, well, this day has come, and thanks.

I ask all people to tell me more about my personal experience because I would like to learn whether my stories makes sense (or not) from an Asperger point of view. Please consider helping me on this issue.

I've once read a blog made by an autistic savant that he had no clue about how he speaks...turns out he was copying every word from my guess would be who ever he heard that word from so chances are your could be doing the same....you change your speech pattern / tone to every word...like you hear it from someone who's angry and you will say it in an angry tone without knowing it....just my opinion though...take it as it is....

Honestly, I don't know whether it makes sense to me (or not). At this moment I prefer sitting and learning. Thanks for your comments and I will discuss it with my trusted peers.

More comments? People, please help, I do need it.