The Pressure to Maintain "Neurotypicality"

Post Reply New Topic

Warning - I have inattentive ADHD (what I call the "zen" version). I do not appear hyperactive to others, but my brain is always working. I needed to talk to someone tonight and I came to Wrong Planet.

This post discusses the struggle to keep the job over sometimes a need to let my inner difficulties out. Let them out so maybe I could receive the mental help I really desire.

I actually appear usually very quiet and distant to others. What follows below is something I needed to express. So many things go on in my mind it can be difficult to find someone who can accept the volume of my thoughts and also understand / empathize. I don't expect anyone to read all of this. I feel better just re-introducing myself. I am thankful Wrong Planet is still here. Its been a few years since I created my account and posted here.

Hugs for those who enjoy them. Ok.... what I wanted to say is below.

Its been a few years since I started my account on Wrong Planet. I am Inattentive ADHD diagnosed. I am an intelligent woman who struggles with a number of executive / cognitive and social situations. I have a great deal of empathy but also present a number of characteristics that put me at odds with the grey areas of social interaction. I am currently in a very helpful and growing relationship. I am very good at presenting a "normal" being albeit an eccentric one to coworkers typically. I have always been in need of finding understanding people with whom I can discuss my difficulties.

One of the three diagnosing therapists (of my inattentive ADHD) expressed that I am on the low end of the autism spectrum. I have relatives with ADHD (hyper) and autism / Asperger's. My best friend from childhood revealed to me in recent years that he is autistic. I never knew, we just got along fairly well then! I have been cared for my entire adult life by a partner. A few years after diagnosis he decided I needed someone else to take care of me. The separation was unexpected and traumatic to deal with. I will talk more about him shortly.

My mental effort is spent, has been spent, to carry me through my work day. My current partner keeps a strict routine to maintain a wonderful balance. We talk a good deal but we focus on our shared commonalities but I realize that I need help that should not burden my partner. I keep trying with the mental health community but it seems my "gift" is maintaining a "neurotypical" persona.

Circumstances have forced me early to create and to some extent be the person people want to know. In between certain daytime moments and many times at night I struggle with the difficulties I have, relating to others, resolving those difficulties (no solution yet), negotiating the obstacles of constantly changing rules of society, the grey rules that pop up at work.

I am on multiple medications for ADHD. Given the recommendations of posting to preserve privacy, suffice it to say I am communication with physicians but current ones are just getting to know me. This is plenty to talk about for now. My issues are not just a busy mind that doesn't shut off at night nor difficulty with focusing my mind so I can do my job.

I am now an "autonomous" being. "Freed" as a single person and allowed by my partner to make my own decisions. We are a little older. My current partner gave up his job to help me relocate to my current area. My partner is a source of balance, consistency, comfort and guidance. I am coming late to "autonomy".

Due to age discrimination my partner has been unable to find work and I know he has been looking. I help him sometimes with applications. He is better in person, I am usually better in writing. He keeps a home life that helps me keep my job. I support him in his search to find work so he can feel autonomous himself. I feel badly for him sometimes because I know he wants to be able to be financially independent and contribute to the household. I want him to feel that if he chooses to leave that he can on his own. Being financially independent is not his current concern. My partner's concern is contributing to bills, expenses and being able to buy his own things. I don't pressure him. We each help each other and I am thankful for all the good times and support we give to each other.

I mentioned earlier that I have an autistic friend that I knew in my childhood. He has always lived in a different state since we graduated high school. We have met in person twice since we reconnected a few years ago. I supported him during a very tough time during one visit, then later we had an awesome visit together with laughter and understanding. He and I are now on unusual terms. He has not spoken to me for several years but from time to time reads my messages to him. When I couldn't talk to others I felt I could message him what things troubled me. Even if all he did was read the message, that act of reading was a comfort to me. He is finally what I believe to be on a happy path with someone who cares for him. I was there as a friend in adulthood when he was in very deep dark places. I am still his friend and pledge my friendship when he someday may want to interact again. In the meantime I live my life, have fun where I can, learn where I can, grow when I am able and survive. My messages to him are infrequent on purpose so he can have his space and not be as concerned with my welfare.

My partner sleeps after we had a nice quiet evening. Something on tv upset me and set off many thoughts. Too many to speak with to him and too many to detail here. It boils down to understanding people, their needs, what sometimes seems as "selling out" to some while to other people its trying to keep the roof over one's head. Even if that roof is much nicer than most of ours. We all have our struggles and sometimes people do not see the struggles. It can be easy to be upset at others who seem to live life without difficulty. Many look at me and don't see how much I am struggling inside. Because I am now "autonomous" I feel even more pressure to appear "neurotypical" to keep my job. To keep a roof over my head. And to keep a roof over someone who cares for me.

After quite a few years I just had to post here. Thanks for letting me talk to Wrong Planet at large.