The bar I went into today didn't appreciate my custom

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I'm annoyed. I spent £3.50 or so for a glass of white wine in a Wetherspoons pub where I live and you would think the staff would at least be polite.

After I got my drink and took it outside, where I had a cigarette to accompany it, the staff started cleaning tables near me for, wait for it... 5 whole minutes!

Never mind the fact I'm trying to just relax and have a nice time. And giving me odd looks. Other customers sat on tables quite far away were sometimes staring at me too.

The stigma attached to being a man drinking alone seems to be terribly unfair. I feel so inadequate to be in this position at the age of 30.

And so many miserable looking people walked past as I drank and smoked. People whose faces seemed to say, as they looked at me for long enough to indicate they were thinking something about me, why are you sat there, why aren't you working.

It's bizarre people seem to not want to enjoy life. I'll never understand why some people go around looking for people to judge or hate. I try to be happy and I will still try to be happy. But I have to admit I do sometimes feel I'm swimming against the tide.

Totally feel you bro.

A smoke and a drink by myself is something I do quite regularly and I can relate with the way that other people in the surrounding environment seem to come across.

It's difficult, because you don't know if you're just misreading these people, or if they're genuinely sending negative vibes.

I tend just to keep my distance. I forget all about it after the 5th or 6th drink.

Thanks fraser. Yeah, not sure if I'm picking up more negative vibes than are actually there.

I'm starting some Asperger's group in January where I live so hopefully I'll make friends there who can go to a pub with me.

It's getting too tough being alone.

I remember going to a pub and sitting down with the group of ladies who'd absorbed me into their ranks briefly during college - they clear off, of course - I'm sitting there alone, drinking wine and a young couple start blatantly mocking me from across the room. People love isolating other people. There's nothing wrong with being your own company, though.

I don't really do pubs anymore but about 15 years ago I was staying with my parents on weekdays as my job was near them and over an hour away from my actual home. I spent a lot of the time at my local pub, reading books and nursing pints but never felt that I was being stared at for being on my own. I think the reason was that this was a small "local" pub where most people, men mostly, came on their own for a quiet drink after work. After a while, I got to know the regulars and the landlord/landlady and would take part in conversations, although I could still sit on my own if I wanted, knowing that people would leave me alone to read.

So I think the problem is that you tried doing the same at a large pub like a Wetherspoons where people tend to go in groups to get bladdered on cheap beer and not a small, more intimate pub.

Also, stay away from pubs whose main business seems to be serving food (I think they're callled gastro-pubs) - they tend to dislike people who drink and not eat. The best are the ones without fruit-machines, jukeboxes and the like and are instead full of old men reading newspapers. The best pub I discovered had even banned mobile-phones - now that's heaven!

So, I recommend finding a quiet local and doing the same - you'll probably feel a lot different about the experience.

You live in England. What do you expect living in such a judgemental country?

Could it not have been the smoking, making others uncomfortable, rather than simply your presence as a lone man?

So where exactly in the north west? I used to hold meets for people with selective mutism in central Manchester off some old forums before the mods went mental with power and started banning people for silly reasons. I've a hoard of interesting aspie friends around Manchester if you fancy me putting you in contact with them.

Also to answer your question, most people will stare at you for no reason. Me and my friends sometimes just go "ITS RUDE TO STARE" and they look away in embarrassment.

Wetherspoons staff in general are moody as s**t. I wouldn't worry about it.

Yep. In Utah (American mountain west), men are expected to part the saloon doors, saunter up to the bar, place one booted foot on the rail next to a spitoon, and slug down whiskey shot after shot. The only fun he might have is spinning his six-shooter in a game of spin-the-bottle (er, gun) because he doesn't want to play poker off in the corner.

NTs are just weird, and often offensive. Just for my fun, if I were you, I would have moved from table to table making the staffers and lookie-loos give chase like the Baskerville hounds. Hehe.

Seriously, learn to have fun with your life, even if it might include some silly behaviors to throw off others.

If you lived in the states, the drinking wouldn't be an issue. The smoking gets you the stares and people screaming at you "get the patch". (nicotine patch).

Yes even smoking outside gets you side eye and comments.

I never thought the UK to be judgey. Americans judge AND say something. Do you in the UK just judge and keep it to yourselves? Most of the Brits I know will do anything to avoid confrontation.

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Last edited by owenc on 16 Dec 2016, 11:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

It depends where you live in England. As an outsider I find the people of the country to be characteristically judgmental, overall.

In the the South of England at least, you as an individual are constantly judged based on what attributes you can provide to society i.e attractiveness/wealth/social skills. As a society it is not akin at all to where I am from originally; people in my home country are generally more sympathetic/empathetic to those who have difficulties of any sort e.g if an individual can't hold down employment.

I don't see being disabled in England as a good thing in terms of overall public sentiment. From what I have seen those with disabilities are often looked down upon or seen as a problem that needs to be dealt with.. it is a challenge to get much in the way of support or help there because of the negative connotations associated with disabilities in general (or at least Mental Disabilities).

Hate to say it, but this has been my kind of experience as well. The north of England isn't so bad, but the further south you go, the worse it seems to get. It's not so bad up here. Social attitudes are generally more sympathetic and there seems to be greater support for those with disabilities. (Although far from perfect).

I know some people who have moved up here from the far south and their attitude towards society is completely different to what is considered the norm up here. They put their lack of popularity down to nationality. But it has nothing to do with their nationality, it's their personality that doesn't go down well.

I feel for you and relate strongly. I've just had something of this nature happen to me this week. I've learned that there is someone in a community situation I'm involved in -- and I'm an asset to, a "good gal", not trouble -- who has taken against me anyway.

When I saw your post I agreed with your question why do some people just want to find someone to pick on in one way or another. Someone to judge, hate, target.

I don't know why your situation drew the ire of those people. I'm still not entirely sure why I'm so intensely on the s**t list of my particular hater too.

But I just wanted to commiserate with you and let you know someone out there relates.

I too live in the UK. I live in London and my personal take on things is that people are pretty horrible here.

I'm not saying there are no nice people -- there are. Thank god for those. But I'm saying there are a lot of tense, angry people consumed by problems but because of that, they transfer that tension and anger onto others too. I think there's a lot of "picking on" that becomes this massive vicious circle. Someone here always seems to be taking something out on someone else.

The UK in general has become incredibly tense I think. Things are not pretty here, socially.

I'm in Southport. I would like to meet more people if you can put me in touch.

Nice response you have to staring.

I might rarely if ever go in a Wetherspoons from now on. I think you're right about the staff, there seems to be no quality control. Though I think smoking may have been an issue too. Well, I've got an E-cigarette now so I can have a quick vape before putting it in my pocket.

Yeah, we probably here in the UK judge people and say nothing because of the British stiff upper lip. Though it exists to a lesser extent than it used to. Sometimes people do make mean comments but it tends to be dirty looks and stares. So where in the States are you? I wonder is all USA as judgmental as England?

And does anyone on here live in a country where you have had a better experience? I'd like to know about it if you had. I'm open to moving abroad.