Asking Someone "How Are You" and They Respond "Terrible"?

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I sometimes try to be polite if someone asks "how are you?" by saying "good, how are you?" As most of us know, the expected response is "good" or "fine". But usually when I ask someone they deviate from the expected response and say things like "Eh, OK", "I've been better" or even "terrible." Does this happen to anyone else? And what do you say?

Last edited by ResilientBrilliance on 14 Dec 2016, 3:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

it happens to me some time, i think that is a bit embarassing because when they say "terrible" or "not good" it seem they want to tell you why and and start a long discussion or a story and at the end i can just say "ah... ok..." and then i don't know how to reply. but for me is not so frequento to be a problem, i mean, sometime it happens and just that, i take it easy

You could follow up with "What's troubling you?"

I once overheard a group of NT people s**t talking a guy who would be honest with how he was doing, saying that everyone hated him because he would "bring down the mood" by not faking happiness.

You could ask what's bothering them and let them vent. Imo, you shouldn't just say "I'm fine" if you aren't or ask how they are if you don't really want to know. Better not to add to that culture of fakeness, regardless of what's expected.

just say back to them "Wanna talk about it?" and see whether they say yeah or no

If it's someone you want to be friends with you could try thinking about a similar experience that may have happened to you and tell them about it. Unless it's too personal and don't feel like sharing. I understand that it can be hard to trust people with sensitive information.

I appreciate their honesty, to tell you the truth. Even though it can feel awkward. I'm just glad someone is being real and not just offering the conventional pleasantry.

It took me an embarrassingly long time in life to learn that I'M supposed to just say "I'm fine thanks" instead of give a true, real answer like "I'm terrible" or "Eh I'm just okay."

So now when someone else skips the "fine thanks" and says a genuine "Things are bad" I VERY much relate to that.

And I do ask them what's going on. Sometimes even just a minute of letting someone be heard in their problems can help them feel just a tiny bit vented. I relate very strongly to feeling like I can't tell anyone I'm screaming in misery, instead just being forced to say "Oh I'm fine!"

It depends on the person....if the person is overly dramatic I would say "sorry" then think of an excuse to remove myself from their presence because chances are its a problem of their own creation.... But if I think the person is sensible then I might actually try to help them....

I am completely on a script when somebody asks me, 'How are you?' My reply is always, 'Very well, thank you. How are you?'

Anybody who answers (in some manner) that they aren't feeling good is then asked, 'What's wrong?'

Nothing wrong with scripted small talk. I hate small talk personally, I like some substance to a conversation. I'd rather discuss ideas and I can't stand drama or gossip.

I usually reply "ok" ,instead of "fine" or "very well thank you" myself. But from me its still just a nicety like "fine", and not an invitation to inquire further.

Its rare that I actually get someone responding to my own "how are you?" with "not so good", or "terrible". Dont do it myself.

So if someone goes beyond "just ok", or "have done better", and actually says "terrible" it could be an invitation to you to ask further. Depends on the tone of voice.

One aquaintence who I ran into in a 7-11 responded to my "how are you?" by saying "well actually not so good, had such and such an operation, and..." . I just let him tell his story (actually we both got interrupted for some reason so I didnt have do any more social niceties, but I would have nodded and said something sympathetic had he been allowed to finish the story).

Last edited by naturalplastic on 14 Dec 2016, 5:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I never hear people respond that way. But of course, it's perfectly fine for NT's to say they're not fine while us on the spectrum are supposed to always say we are, even if it's a lie. Go figure.

I read that in some cultures outside of North America people *do* describe how they feel good or bad when someone asks how they are, they don't realize it's just a greeting and they think we're incredibly rude just moving on without listening to them. Why do people have to be so complicated?

I also dislike small talk, especially gossip etc. I understand your preference for discussing ideas; I enjoy debating about all sorts of intellectual things, especially theological philosophy.

That works.

If someone asks you "how are you?" just give the stock answer (with the stock ending "how are you?").

If they surprise you by saying something other than "fine thank you" then ask "whats wrong?".

Keeps it simple, but polite.

In Australia, people who are friends, or even acquaintances, will answer truthfully. Most of the time, the person wants to complain about everything that's going wrong in their life. I wouldn't do this, but my mother does. I've seen it in other people too. I think that it's mostly women; men in Australia are still expected to be touch, resourceful, and resilient - a sentiment started by convicts, and early settlers living remotely in the bush, which is still part of our culture.

Do you think NTs have scripted answers like this also?