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LimboMan
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03 Jan 2017, 4:51 pm

I'd be grateful for any opinions or advice on this topic, about living away when your older.

So firstly, I've decided to move out from living with others in a student house, back to living with parents (twice this has happened now because I felt I couldn't stick with it)
At first I was enjoying it because it got me away from the stressful atmosphere living with parents, but very subtly over the few months I was there, I was enjoying it much less and my mood deteriorated. Back at home with parents it is familiar where people don't come back random times, and I had so much social anxiety living with other people and all my routines that made me comfortable were disrupted. And I was very hypo-sensitive around people I didn't know and couldn't be myself, I was getting so paranoid. So I'm moving back home and hope to make money to live on my own in future, not to live with other strangers.

But I want to ask, how can somebody with ASD actually feel comfortable living away from family and parents? I have a lot of health anxiety for example, and I usually just go to my Mum if I'm worried about something. If I wasn't living with anyone I would live in fear that something terrible might happen to me or I wouldn't know what to do, or I'd do something stupid like call emergency for no reason. This is escalated by diet also, I felt I had to move out because I felt managing my diet and eating healthily was too difficult to manage. The thought of having no one to see in case I'm doing something wrong or get a second opinion on something terrifies me. It could also be quite lonely especially if you struggle to actively be social, but it'd eliminate my uncertainty anxiety. I do hope to live with a partner one day but thats a little far away.

Do many people with ASD prefer to live with their family than actually move out on their own for a while? Or do they prefer to maybe rent somewhere with just one person, so there is less uncertainty?


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Windstorm
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03 Jan 2017, 5:09 pm

I love living alone and it baffles my family. I completely understand the fear of potential emergencies but I accept that risk. I enjoy the freedom to set my own schedules and no one is there to get in the way. Wake up, breakfast, go to work, come home, dinner, movies/read/video games for a few hours, sleep. Do the chores on the weekends along with whatever else I feel like doing. No one to tell me otherwise.


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starkid
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04 Jan 2017, 1:00 pm

Is there a specific reason why you're so worried about your health?



eggheadjr
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04 Jan 2017, 3:12 pm

It takes a while to get used to living on your own, for anyone.

When you're first on your own it doesn't hurt to stay in touch with family by calling or dropping in to visit. Helps with the transition.

:D


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terptested
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04 Jan 2017, 3:51 pm

My college experience in the dorms was horrible. Don't know how I'd do it again. I'm 30 and live on my own on the other side of country from family and I absolutely love it. I don't really like hanging with family so it's probably different for me but I bet once you get used to it you are going to be overjoyed



MagicMeerkat
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04 Jan 2017, 4:54 pm

I knew even as a child that I could never survive in a college dorm situation or group home setting. My mom was trying to get me into a group home out of state because she wanted me out of the house, but still contained in a way. She didn't think I could survive on my own until I ran away and spent a few days in a homeless shelter and that made her realize that I could survive on my own. We fought all the time mostly because she was emotionally and verbally abusive and when I tried to call her out on it, she would turn it all around and say I did it to her. I couldn't take it anymore and knew if I had to stay in that Hellhole any longer I would probably commit suicide. When I tried to tell her how I felt, she would claim I made her want to commit suicide. My mother will never admit to anything she did and even when I was a kid, she would claim to forget a lot of the pure mean stuff she said to me. Maybe she did. Anyhow, things got better once I moved out. I finally was able to find a job I wanted, something I possibly could have done back when I lived with her but she refused to let me try...one of the reasons we fought. To be honest, we could fight about anything, but this was a major trigger. Anyway, if I lived in a group home setting, chances are I would just regress or end up murdering my room mates and therapists. I need extended solitude like most people need air.


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rats_and_cats
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04 Jan 2017, 10:47 pm

When it comes to health, do not look up health problems on the Internet. Call a trusted adult. And as long as you're going to the general doctor and eye doctor every year, the dentist every six months, and following their instructions, you'll be fine. The only time you need to worry is for common-sense things. Calling an emergency number for something that turns out to be minor is better than not calling them and having something go wrong, as any 911 dispatcher will tell you.

What specifically worries you about your diet? If you're eating wrong, your body will tell you. Unless you have a health problem or are trying to lose weight, you don't need to follow any diet to the letter. Your body also knows how to handle a few bad meals. That's what livers and kidneys are for, and other organs that I'm probably forgetting.

Maybe you could join a club or something, then you'd only have to concern yourself with getting to know a small group of people. Also, roommates can be friends and can help you with this stuff as well.

Maybe the reason student housing didn't work out was a communication problem. Next time you're living with someone else, try to discuss routines with them and if there's a conflict work out a compromise. Making a new routine is hard for the first week or two, but after that it's second nature.

You could get an emotional support animal also if you think that would help. Petting an animal lowers blood pressure and releases endorphins, and playing with and feeding them is a good distraction. They're also a good conversation starter!



starkid
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04 Jan 2017, 11:00 pm

Getting an animal to dump your emotional problems on is abusive. Animals have their own lives that they want to live; they don't want to provide free therapy to humans for their entire lives, and that's why the abusive trainers have to destroy all of the animals' natural instincts to make them into emotional support animals aka slaves.



Meistersinger
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04 Jan 2017, 11:10 pm

I have roommates, but we all keep to ourselves. I'm on disability, so, until recently, I'm always at home. One is a supervisor for Coty cosmetics in Dundalk. MD (please, no Dundalk Jokes), second one is a hazmat handler for Harley Davidson, and the newest tenant is a PA State Trooper. They all work different shifts, so we don't see everyone at once.

I have lived on my own several times: in Chicago/Milwaukee/Rockford, IL and Philadelphia. Believe me, it ain't easy.



rats_and_cats
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04 Jan 2017, 11:12 pm

starkid wrote:
Getting an animal to dump your emotional problems on is abusive. Animals have their own lives that they want to live; they don't want to provide free therapy to humans for their entire lives, and that's why the abusive trainers have to destroy all of the animals' natural instincts to make them into emotional support animals aka slaves.


...what? That's not what emotional support animals are at all. They don't require training, just certification. It's therapy animals that are trained to help people, and therapy animals actually enjoy the training because they're usually more intelligent and need something to do to keep from being bored. And you don't "dump your problems" on an animal. They can't give therapy. They're companions. Domesticated animals evolved alongside humans. It's not like they take baby wolves away from their mothers and beat the wild out of them. Emotional support and therapy animals are mostly shelter dogs and cats who already have the instinct to help people, and there are some who breed therapy animals. But they're treated very well. They're allowed to do dog, cat, rat, etc. things. I have emotional support rats and I give them a variety of food, including fresh fruits and veggies. They have a cage filled with toys and hammocks, and I play with them every day. They're happy, and anyone who meets them can tell that. Abused animals have a certain look and behavior, whether they're physically abused or neglected. Their eyes are dull, they don't bother grooming or they groom too much, they shake when someone reaches for them. I've met plenty through being part of a foster family for an animal shelter, and I see none of those signs in any of my animals or in any of the therapy animals I've met. So before you tell me I'm abusing my own animals, do your research.



MagicMeerkat
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05 Jan 2017, 11:03 am

starkid wrote:
Getting an animal to dump your emotional problems on is abusive. Animals have their own lives that they want to live; they don't want to provide free therapy to humans for their entire lives, and that's why the abusive trainers have to destroy all of the animals' natural instincts to make them into emotional support animals aka slaves.

^THIS^

But some animals can learn to read their human caretaker's emotional state and help them without being training.


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Windstorm
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05 Jan 2017, 1:14 pm

starkid wrote:
Getting an animal to dump your emotional problems on is abusive.


Are we talking about pet cats and dogs or did I miss something?


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rats_and_cats
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05 Jan 2017, 1:20 pm

Windstorm wrote:
starkid wrote:
Getting an animal to dump your emotional problems on is abusive.


Are we talking about pet cats and dogs or did I miss something?


Emotional support animals. They're pets that can go some places that ordinary pets can't because the owner needs a companion. And it's not abusive. People who own emotional support animals treat them like friends, not therapists.



BTDT
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05 Jan 2017, 1:34 pm

I think my cats need me more than I need them--they follow me around whenever I'm in the house.



MagicMeerkat
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05 Jan 2017, 1:57 pm

rats_and_cats wrote:
Windstorm wrote:
starkid wrote:
Getting an animal to dump your emotional problems on is abusive.


Are we talking about pet cats and dogs or did I miss something?


Emotional support animals. They're pets that can go some places that ordinary pets can't because the owner needs a companion. And it's not abusive. People who own emotional support animals treat them like friends, not therapists.


I think they are implying those service dogs for autistic children where the parents expect the dog to basically babysit the child.

Quote:
I have been a witness to such a "team" in action and it was horrible. It was during a shopping trip with my husband in a card and gift shop. I heard a woman screaming "Stop, sit down." I went zipping around the corner to see what was wrong and to try to assist if help was needed. I was confronted with a nightmare. There was a sweet looking long haired medium sized dog looking like he just was on the point of a meltdown.

This poor creature was secured by about a 6' lead to a young boy. By the time I got there the boy was screaming at the top of his lungs for something that he wanted on a shelf and jerking the lead attached to the dog. The dog was trying his best to sit while Mom was screaming at the dog to sit and stay while she jerked the second lead to the dog.

I honestly think the dog knew me as a dog lover. As he turned his face to me I could see the h--l he was going through. The dog looked like he had lost all spirit and had about reached the point of giving up. There was not even a spark left showing of any will to fight for himself. It is the same look that someone experienced in dog shelters soon recognizes on the faces of dogs that have been shown that life is hopeless.

The dog stood up and I just watched in frustration as it tried to pull itself to me, its feet slipping and trying to gain traction on the tile of the floor shop. I was so tempted to run over and take its tether off and run as fast as I could to my car and drive away.

Yes this dog was professionally trained and had ID attached to him. Mom was probably frustrated as things were not working out as wonderful as she was lead to believe by tether dog advocates. So instead of trying to shop with just a child she now had a child having a bad time and a dog wanting no part of it. Instead of one to tend to she had two and she was not able to handle it. How was this making life better for any of them?

While I advocate for Assistance Dogs and their handlers, I will never go along with tethering a dog to a child. I take every chance I can to speak up against it.

http://www.servicedogcentral.org/content/node/283


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League_Girl
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05 Jan 2017, 2:16 pm

LimboMan wrote:
I'd be grateful for any opinions or advice on this topic, about living away when your older.

So firstly, I've decided to move out from living with others in a student house, back to living with parents (twice this has happened now because I felt I couldn't stick with it)
At first I was enjoying it because it got me away from the stressful atmosphere living with parents, but very subtly over the few months I was there, I was enjoying it much less and my mood deteriorated. Back at home with parents it is familiar where people don't come back random times, and I had so much social anxiety living with other people and all my routines that made me comfortable were disrupted. And I was very hypo-sensitive around people I didn't know and couldn't be myself, I was getting so paranoid. So I'm moving back home and hope to make money to live on my own in future, not to live with other strangers.

But I want to ask, how can somebody with ASD actually feel comfortable living away from family and parents? I have a lot of health anxiety for example, and I usually just go to my Mum if I'm worried about something. If I wasn't living with anyone I would live in fear that something terrible might happen to me or I wouldn't know what to do, or I'd do something stupid like call emergency for no reason. This is escalated by diet also, I felt I had to move out because I felt managing my diet and eating healthily was too difficult to manage. The thought of having no one to see in case I'm doing something wrong or get a second opinion on something terrifies me. It could also be quite lonely especially if you struggle to actively be social, but it'd eliminate my uncertainty anxiety. I do hope to live with a partner one day but thats a little far away.

Do many people with ASD prefer to live with their family than actually move out on their own for a while? Or do they prefer to maybe rent somewhere with just one person, so there is less uncertainty?



I was glad to be on my own. It was more stressful living with my family. I would deal with my own messes and not have to clean up after anyone else and deal with their laziness. I mean how hard is it to clean up a coffee spill when you drip some on the tile floor?

Your parents are a phone call away so I would use that to talk to them whenever you need to especially when you are dealing with anxiety or when something happens and you don't know how to deal with it. You can live close to them so you can still go visit them when you need them. I lived a half mile up from my parents so I would sometimes go to their house and eat dinner or use the internet when my ex boyfriend would be hogging it and never get off his computer to let me use the internet. Then when I moved over 500 miles away, I would call my parents on the phone to talk to them whenever I was having anxiety from unfinished business my new boyfriend was creating a roadblock to and whenever he stressed me out. Of course he hated it because he said I was making him out to be an as*hole and a control freak so I learned to not talk to my parents when he is home and if we were out somewhere I would just go outside and talk or go out to his car and then hang up when I would see him coming.


I never wanted room mates because I was terrified of them stealing from me or them being too messy or too noisy and having over too many people or them eating my food. Of course I know now that if you want a room mate you can rent a room to them and split the cost with them and you can run a background check on them and look at their rental history so you don't end up with a room mate who can't keep a job or can't pay their bills or end up with someone who trashes the apartment. I never had that experience so I am not sure how it works.


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