How to tell parents about suspected autism?

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I'm 21 years old and have never been diagnosed with autism, or with any other mental condition. I've never seen a psychologist. I suspect that I might have autism, but I haven't talked with anyone about it IRL. The only people I'm really close to are my family and my boyfriend.

I've been thinking about this and researching autism for several weeks, which feels like forever. Some days I'm positive that I'm autistic. Most days, I'm full of doubts. I want to talk to my parents about this, but I've spent too long thinking about it and I don't know how or when to have these conversations. I've even been talking about autism in the context of researching it, but I feel compelled not to relate it to myself and open up that can of worms.

My parents are oddball types, both different types of intellectual, both Christians (I'm agnostic myself). They each have at least a few neurodivergent traits, themselves. If I do turn out to be autistic, then my Mom probably could get a diagnosis too. They homeschooled me and my five younger siblings, mostly out of Mom's distaste for the school system, although I did go to high school for a year and have taken a few other classes. My dad is a teacher.

Both of my parents are open-minded and accepting. They're both well aware that I'm a bit weird, but it seems like they accept it in the spirit of something like neurodiversity, their philosophy being that all kids are different. One of my younger sisters is obviously dyslexic, and identifies as such, and she was never taken in for a diagnosis or anything; Mom just patiently gave her reading lessons and audiobooks up into her teens. They tend to be skeptical of psychology, which, after a bit of reading about the history of the field, I can really understand. If my Dad had been autistic, he might easily have been institutionalized.

I've had a lot of frustration over the years. I could always learn just fine, if I had any interest in the topic. But I did badly at school, and I haven't adjusted well to adulthood. I didn't start working until a year ago, and haven't been able to move out of my parents' house, despite wanting to. I have trouble with common sense about the way the real world works, with planning and anticipating the future, and with following through on goals. As a teenager I wanted to be an astronaut, or a psychologist, or any number of things. After that first year of high school, I burned out without knowing why, and I dropped out--though I thought, and said, that I just wanted to go back to homeschooling, I didn't actually have the discipline to follow through on my own education at that age.

From my family, I've mostly gotten the attitude of, "You're so smart, why can't you figure this out for yourself?" They tell me to stop overthinking, overcomplicating, and worrying about everything. I've never had the words to explain why I can't. Not until now. And now I have the possibility of autism. But autism is a disability.

If I tell my parents that I think I have autism, then I'm telling them I think they didn't recognize that their child had a mental disability. I'm thankful for not having been pathologized through my childhood, but it stinks being a drifting adult and only now, after I've aged out of most services, finding out that earlier help would have been good. I don't want to tell my parents that they've failed me in some way. But have they? For all I know, my dad in particular might even have realized that I have some kind of condition. But I don't think either of them know much about autism, so I would have to educate them first, and then make my case.

Autism has become something of a special interest, so I could probably give them a basic lecture, complete with citations. On the other hand, talking about anything that I have an emotional stake in tends to make me rambly, tearful, and generally inarticulate. So, in the end, I'd probably give them half a lecture on the history of autism, break down crying and insisting that I don't blame them for anything while desperately holding in a few I-told-you-so's, and then go into some disjointed ramblings about how I came to this conclusion because people misdiagnose Sherlock. It would be a mess.

It's all just too emotional. I don't want to work through this on my own. I don't want to deal with the fallout if I'm wrong; not autistic, or worse, just not autistic enough for a diagnosis. I want to tell my parents, but I don't want to cause any conflict with or between them, or blame them for anything. I don't want to admit weakness or disability, but I want my differences...and, indeed, my disabilities, to finally be recognized and understood.

I wish I could ask my parents how to talk to my parents about all this. :/

I really understand what you're saying. I kept my suspicions that I have ASD a secret from everybody for about 6 years, and 'came out' to my parents less than a week ago.

For me, it helped that I asked a good friend whether she thought I could have ASD. My friend has a good understanding of ASD, and she said yes. This gave me some confidence that I wasn't just being stupid. The reason why I confronted my parents on the subject is that both parents treat me very badly. They see me as a possession to show off to other people, and so denied that there is anything wrong with me for years because they wanted me to be the perfect little trophy. They tell me that I'm just being stupid if I don't understand, and attribute all my other difficulties to character faults of my own (laziness, arrogance etc.). So I confronted them in anger. They eventually admitted to suspecting ASD years ago, but doing nothing about it.

I was going to wait until leaving home, then getting diagnosed independently (if possible), so as to avoid confronting my parents. This is an option for you, too. If you do want to tell your parents, getting support from a friend (you could do a practice run on your friend of what you would say to your parents) is very helpful.
Hope this helps. Good luck!

I do not know your parents but from what you wrote I think they would be accepting. If they accept the label "dyslexic" for your sibling I see no reason they would not accept "autistic" for you. I might be wrong. If not in this instance there will be times your parents will have fundemental disagreements with what you feel you want an need to do. You are now 21 years old, an adult, which means you should not be making decisions about yourself based on parental approval. Should you consult them and take there opinions into consideration? Of course. The final decision needs to be based on what is best for you.