Going to a local support group, but having a dilemma.

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I've recently been attending the meetings of a local Asperger's support group, and overall it's been a great experience. I've met some really cool people, and I've learned quite a bit about my own situation from hearing other people's experiences. Basically, it's good knowing I'm not the only one.

However, I'm not sure how to deal with something I've encountered. I know about autism being a spectrum, and everyone's situation is different. And I honestly *do* empathize with people who have other disabilities. But I feel bad about how I'm reacting to what happened at a recent meeting, as well as some previous experiences.

The group is primarily for people with Asperger's, but there are a few lower functioning people at the meetings. Obviously that's not what's been bothering me. It's the way a couple of people have acted that really stressed me out. One individual keeps asking why I don't respond to calls or texts (I had given him my number, not realizing until later that he calls and texts at really inconvenient times) and I don't want to be rude and tell him that it's downright awkward trying to have a conversation with him. I don't think he's doing it on purpose, but he talks very loud and that sets off one of my sensory issues- not a full-on meltdown, but feeling *really* uncomfortable and mentally exhausted trying to not be rude and just leave when he gets loud. I can handle people being boisterous or having a heated conversation up to a point, and among friends it's ok for me to duck out for a few minutes to cool off, but I have no idea how to deal with a situation where I'm feeling overloaded but the person doing the loud talking or trying to interrupt might not realize they're doing it. I've gotten into trouble in the past when I've expressed frustration about situations like that because it gets misinterpreted as lacking empathy or hating mentally challenged people, which is *not* the case, it's just that it's almost painful when I get overloaded and I can't say or do anything about it. I'm sorry someone might not be able to help it, but the last thing I want to do is stop attending meetings because something that they can't control is setting off my processing issues. I don't want to be a hypocrite because I'm fully aware of my own problems reading social cues and talking too much. And being in a wheelchair makes it difficult to discretely duck out if I feel the need to.

At a recent meeting, another individual basically was acting like he was in charge, and the round of introductions ran very long, because he kept trying to engage everyone in longer conversations when it was made clear the introductions were only supposed to be a minute or two, and everyone else was trying to stick to that. Ultimately the meeting was almost over, with little time for the actual topic that evening. Again, I feel bad if that person wasn't aware of their behavior, but I also feel bad that I was so impatient and feeling tempted to say something, but again, knowing that I've been "that guy" in the past makes me less apt to call someone out for doing the same thing. And in fairness, the organizer was trying to keep things on track. And dinner with the group afterwards was fun. But I can't stop feeling conflicted- being able to meet other aspies has been great, but I'm already dreading the next meeting. The planned topic is one I suggested, but I'm already imagining the meeting flying by without any discussion of it, and not wanting to be "that guy" and sounding petty because it wasn't focused on something I was interested in.

In a similar vein about having sensory issues set off, another member noticed my wrist braces (carpal tunnel) and demonstrated a massage technique he had been studying- I know he meant well, but touching is another sensory problem I have, but it's like what happens with loud noise- rather than an immediate meltdown, I feel intimidated and freeze up and hope the touching or noise goes away. He wasn't being obnoxious about it, but in a situation like that, I'm easily intimidated because I was taught when I was younger me being particular about boundaries was being rude. Again, really not sure how to handle a situation like that- feeling hypocritical being an aspie feeling uncomfortable about another aspie's behavior.

So would I be out of line if I privately talked to the organizers and expressed my feelings about all of this? They're doing a good job running the group, so I don't want to sound like I'm criticizing them. Nor do I want anyone thinking that I have a problem with lower functioning people. It just feels like it would defeat the purpose if I can't attend an Asperger's support group because I end up feeling stressed out or worry about how a meeting will go.

So would I be out of line if I privately talked to the organizers and expressed my feelings about all of this? They're doing a good job running the group, so I don't want to sound like I'm criticizing them. Nor do I want anyone thinking that I have a problem with lower functioning people. It just feels like it would defeat the purpose if I can't attend an Asperger's support group because I end up feeling stressed out or worry about how a meeting will go.[/quote]

No. You wouldnt be "out of line". Thats probably the best course of action: to talk to the organizers while these problem people arent around to hear it to work out a solution.

It sounds as if your chairperson is really not doing their job. With a minute for introductions, you can cover your trigger issues, and just remind people later if they are pushing your buttons. Some people are nearly oblivious to others even when talking to them, and need a high-volume blast to register.
Billy Connolly recommends profanity and notes that you never hear "F___ OFF, he hinted."
Use it sparingly, though, as it may echo in your own head for a long time.

As an Aspie who attends Star Trek meetings,
some of which turned into long-winded rambles by two or three people who wasted most of the time,
the way I handled it regarding one particular meeting was:

1) Right before my turn to talk came, I stood up to indicate that I was next ... normally I don't do this, but the guy rambling when I stood up had already been given two opportunities to speak and the meeting was scheduled to end in just five minutes. Fortunately, he took the hint.

2) After the meeting, I wrote an e-mail to the guy in charge describing my point of view regarding the situation, and stated that if I was not going to be given an opportunity to speak, I would not be driving all that way to attend any more meetings.

3) Since based on the e-mail reply I received, I was not taken seriously at first, I stopped attending meetings.

4) Since I add a lot of colorful adventure, zany personality, and eccentric humor to the meetings (being a typical Q), people missed me ... so the guy in charge ended up changing the meeting structure so that I would have a guaranteed time to speak at every meeting, and a whole lot earlier in the meeting.

Moral of the Story: If you don't speak up for yourself, nobody else will.

That said, you have a point too ...
it's all about picking your battles.

I wish you the best whatever you decide.

I remember a meeting where my bicycle advocacy group was asked to comment on an engineering company's plans for bikeway bridges. It was almost winding down, and one guy had been going on about nothing for a long time when I interrupted to point out that the proposed ramps were too abrupt - nobody else had done the math - and that the safety rails were a hazard to handlebars. Everyone quickly agreed. The engineer was quite impressed, and helped me out later.
I was at another series of meetings that ran very smoothly, with everyone feeling heard, but not bored by the length of the meeting. The chairperson had taken some training offered by a political party that was trying to build a base, and it worked very well.

Really glad to get some positive advice on how to deal with the meeting situation. I really do hope I don't sound like I want lower functioning people banned. The guy who talks really loud and interrupts doesn't come across as a bad person, and it really does bother me that I have to avoid someone who probably doesn't realize that he's acting like that because their behavior is a sensory trigger. Like I said in my original posting, I don't want to come across as hostile towards people with intellectual disabilities. But am I being unfair in expecting that the main focus should be what the group is stated to be about, that is, adults with Asperger's? I've gotten myself into trouble in the past when I've been critical of a disability group or resource that's either meant to include a range of disabilities or else was stated to be focused on physical disabilities, only to see things aimed at intellectual disabilities to the point that those with other disabilities feel excluded. I don't think that's going on in this case, and in fact I'm assuming that the organizers are trying to be inclusive but also fair to everyone else.

As for the guy keeping the introductions dragging and acting like he was in charge and not the organizer, am I being too harsh about a fellow aspie? Of course I'm sensitive about how much everyone's social skill issues might vary, but it was really uncomfortable having to sit quietly while one person dominates the discussion. And I've seen plenty of NT people do that, attending someone else's event and act like they're in charge, so I can't tell if that was aspie behavior unchecked or if he was just being ultra rude.

Overall, I'm still glad I found the group, and I don't want what might just be a minor glitch to ruin the experience.

I have known two people who were simply unable to stop talking if anyone was listening, and two who often clearly overdid it. Walking into a room with one co-worker was just like turning on the radio announcements.
A lot of people think "running a meeting" means "guiding the outcome." It really means making sure that everyone is heard, and the outcome is a mutual agreement. One time, I was in a meeting with a hundred people. The whole membership was gathered because a name change had been proposed. The steering committee had met for hours on three occasions, and come up with a few options. They had scheduled an hour for debating their merits. We didn't like any of them. The chairperson asked for suggestions from the floor, and five minutes later we had a new name.

I expressed my concerns to the organizer and he was already aware of the problem. He assured me that I wasn't being unfair about it, and agrees that it's a bit frustrating having the group be aspie focused but not wanting to arbitrarily exclude someone low functioning. I think it would be different if it were someone trying to force the group to shift its focus to lower functioning people, as I've seen with disability groups and services in the past, but here it's just a matter of being fair to the group but also being fair to someone who I think just wants to fit in.

I think there's also a plan to keep future meetings moving along better and not letting one person take over as happened at the last meeting.

And it looks like people's sensory issues being set off if things get a out of hand will be better handled, so I'm glad I was able to express my concerns without being "that guy".

Here's hoping things actually do improve for you at those meetings, Simon01!

Because they all have ASD they should be understanding of your issues. Speak up. You're not out of line. If you feel you can't directly speak to the individuals, then speak with the organizers.