Autism and Obsession

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I am 58 and still single, never married, and was recently diagnosed as having the autism spectrum disorder (ASD). I accepted the diagnosis with absolute relief! Finding out later in life I have ASD is like finding out the name of the street I have been living on for 58 years.

On the positive side, I have a passion for writing that I probably wouldn't have if I wasn't autistic. My stickler for routine gets me to work on time, my chores done, and my bills paid on time. My attention to detail instead of the big picture explains why the top two favorite jobs of my career perfectly matched that trait.

But there's a dark side. The spectrum isn't a rose garden without thorns. It wouldn't have syndrome at the end of it if it did.

I sometimes envy my brother who has two grandchildren to spoil. Since my diagnosis, I have wondered if things were different, if I didn't have ASD, would I might have a husband, children, and grandchildren. I'm not ruling out marriage since one should not say never. After all, stranger things have happened. If someone had told me back in my teen years that I would move halfway across the country and work for "Uncle Sam" for over 22 years, I would have told them they had the wrong person.

I know what it is to go on a date, but I don't know what it is to have fun on one. My dating history is shorter than my average shopping list. I hit my peak in first grade. I had my first kiss in first grade and it was my idea. Poor Tim! I think the teacher saw us because later she gave a lecture on "don't kiss in the classroom". I recall telling my grandmother I had 8 boyfriends in first grade. I think my autisitic imagination was working overtime. HA! Whether I had 8 or 2, my romantic life went downhill from there.

I did try a dating service in my 40's. I guess I did it because I wanted to be in step with my peers. I wanted a picture of a fella on my desk at work too. Maybe I was in love with being in love. Most of the dozen or so guys I did meet, well, I only met once; never saw or heard from them again. Would I join a dating service again? NO! Now it did give me practice of meeting new people, but once it was over and done with, it had the opposite effect. I could be content if I never met another stranger for the rest of my life. I did gain a collection of "bad date" stories to write about; on the other hand, I lost $2000 to the dating service.

There's only been one guy in my entire life that I was nuts about. His name was Robert; Bob for short. We worked for the same employer. Over the years, even though we both moved around from one job to another, we would invariably cross paths. Much to my delight but probably not so much to his.

When we worked at the same building, I'd hope each morning I'd pull up in the parking lot the same time he did. My heart would skip a beat if I saw him or his car whose license plate I knew from memory. I'd catch up to him pretending I happened to bump into him. If love is walking a distance in the below-freezing cold with someone and wishing the walk was longer, then it was the closest I ever came to it.

It took me more years than it should have to accept the painful truth he wasn't nuts about me. I didn't go so far as to harrass him like calling and e-mailing him every day, but I'm sure I was a pain. Sort of like my little brothers were to me growing up. I don't regret it though because at least I found out I could be nuts about a guy who I still have the upmost respect for.

After years of hindsight, I take it was an obsession. Some of the friends I confided in either flat out told me or hinted at it being one. One friend got so exasperated with me that she cut off ties. I admit I've had some wild obsessions. Some of them so wild I wouldn't tell a solitary soul about them.

It was painful but yet, it was a beautiful feeling. I remember wishing I could bottle the feeling up so I wouldn't forget what it felt like. He was in my prayers throughout that chapter in my life. My prayer wasn't that he'd look at me, but for an answer as to whether he ever would.

A few years after he transferred to another office location, I wrote him an e-mail. It was a nice letter updating him on my life since I last saw him. My last line was that if he didn't write back, I'd understand. He didn't and that hurt at first. But it didn't take long for me to be grateful that he didn't. It was an answered prayer. I wanted to know the truth and I had it at the right time ... when I was able to accept it.

Unfortunately, I took up another obsession but this time it wasn't with a guy. It was someone in the public eye whom I would never meet. That's another story, but it seems like when I put Bob in a back corner in my heart, I had to replace him with something in the center.

I don't know how I would have handled it if he had been nuts about me too. I might have run for the hills for all I know.

I know how you feel. I'm 52 and my profile of assets vs. problems associated with Asperger's is similar. I am well-educated, have good executive function and have a job I love. However, I haven't had much experience with dating. I only dated twice in my life. The first man I dated was five years older than I was, but had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. The second was a strange guy from a dysfunctional family.

I have many social outlets that I didn't have years ago, and am hoping one day I can find a nice man and get married. Children are, of course, out of the question. I have done a lot of things I never thought I would do but I have the feeling that relationships and marriage are forever out of reach for me.

Obsessions have always been my strongest autistic trait.

I'm only 25, so I don't feel that I really can add much insight/value in my comment, but I am just like you with regard to obsession over a love interest.

I had my first obsession at age 15 which lasted until my first serious boyfriend at age 21...and even then for some time after. He became a close friend, but always kept a slight barrier towards me, quite probably because I acted somewhat unusually in an attempt not to reveal the depth of my admiration. I feel that despite our best attempts, people can always tell (consciously or unconsciously) when we are keeping our true feelings from them. He turned me down and toyed with me many times, but apparently never felt much of anything for me, even though we slept together and nearly became involved on a couple of occasions. Looking back, I think this particular guy also has ASD, as his father had it and it would explain why I felt like he was my soulmate

My second obsession came nearly 2 years ago at age 23, with a teacher at my university. And to this day I still think of him often. I have been very forward with my feelings this time around so as to get to the truth of the situation more quickly and not waste years loving him from a distance. We flirted for months after we first met and eventually went out to dinner, and I learned shortly afterwards he was in a committed relationship. Since then, much like your situation, our paths continue to cross. I'm sure I've been creepy and made mistakes, trying to message him through social media repeatedly when he doesn't respond. But I don't think that you should take this as a slight against you either - there are other reasons, perhaps he was involved with someone and felt it inappropriate to respond, perhaps he didn't even receive your email?

Although I know myself well enough to know that I will continue to regard him most highly for many years to come, I have also learned the importance of continuing to meet new people and have new experiences. Simply dating people can be enough to remove your love interest from your mind, and numb those feelings you hold toward him.

I worry sometimes I may never get to be with someone that I truly feel that way about, that insatiable crazy lust/love. Or if I did, there is little chance they would return that level of desire. That is possibly one of the greatest pains in life. But I can find someone who accepts me and appreciates who I am. I believe you can too.

I am not obsessed with anyone. Maybe using the screenname "IstominFan" could be construed as an obsession with a certain tennis player, but it's not that way at all. I admire Denis Istomin because he has the qualities I admire in a person: intelligence, kindness and resilience in the face of impossible odds.

I have some very strong obsessions, but I prefer to call them special interests especially on an autism forum.